DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a veteran with 23 years of service, and I'm uncomfortable with the traditional "Happy Memorial Day" greeting that the news and entertainment media have foisted upon the public. However, I do not know what is actually acceptable to use in its place. Are there better forms of greetings for more somber occasions?

GENTLE READER: While it is true that such constructions are used as greetings, you will notice that they are actually good wishes. So Miss Manners agrees that they seem jarring on somber occasions.

For example, one would not wish anyone a happy Yom Kippur; the proper wish is for an easy fast. But in common with "Merry Christmas," that is a kindly hope on behalf of another -- comfort in the former case, and enjoyment in the latter.

How would you wish people to feel on Memorial Day? Respectful, presumably, and perhaps contemplative. But to instruct them to do so would be impertinent. You wouldn't be wishing them well, but ordering them to behave properly, which is not only rudely intrusive but insulting, as it implies that they are not already doing so.

So the only passably fitting use of "Happy Memorial Day" would be to encourage shopkeepers who use it to advertise sales.

Two cautionary notes:

(1) It is unnecessary, and sometimes unwise, to issue holiday-specific wishes to people whose circumstances you do not know. People who do this mean to spread cheer, but that is not the result of, for example, calling out "Happy Father's Day!" to someone whose child is deceased.

(2) Nevertheless, it is also a mistake to take conventional expressions at their surface value. Miss Manners supported you on the Memorial Day matter, but please do not press her about every such remark. It is really tedious when people complain that everyone who says "How do you do?" doesn't want a medical report, and those who begin letters with "Dear" do not hold them particularly dear.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I adopted a wonderful little boy from Russia when he was almost 4 years old; my husband was 46 and I was 42. Since we returned home, we have experienced several occasions where strangers assume our son is our grandson, making comments such as, "You must be proud of your grandson," or "How old is your grandson?"

Whenever we reply along the lines of, "Well, he's actually our son," the other person generally looks flustered and moves on.

Is there a polite way to correct their false assumption without making them feel bad? At first these comments bothered me, but now I take them in stride and try to just appreciate people noticing my wonderful son.

GENTLE READER: If you can really do that, there is no need to correct the nosy assumptions made by strangers. What does it matter what they think?

However, you could consider that it would be doing such people a favor by saving them from future embarrassment. Miss Manners suggests, "Actually, he is really too young to give us grandchildren yet, but we hope he will someday."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to load the dishwasher with the silverware facing down. My mother prefers face up. While we can all argue about who is correct, that's not my question. I know I'm right.

When my mother, who frequents my home, helps clean up by loading the dishwasher, she insists on loading it her way. I've asked several times for her to load it my preferred way. After all, this is my house, and if her goal is to help, cutting my hand on a sharp knife isn't very helpful.

Her response is that I'm ungrateful and should appreciate her help. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: Since you've already stated that you are, Miss Manners finds herself hesitant to cross you -- especially since you already have blood quite literally on your hands.

Just as you are certain that you are correct, so is your mother, and it doesn't seem likely that either of you is going to back down. Why don't you agree to load your own dishes in your own homes -- and ask for help with serving those dishes instead?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When individuals from different cultures marry and have different table manners, how does the one who finds the other's table manners irritating or embarrassing politely convey a less offensive way for her or his partner to eat?

My grandmother from the Old South was offended at the table behavior of my Connecticut Yankee grandfather, whose family had been dirt farmers. Grandpa ate his peas with his knife. Her approach was to turn a cold shoulder, which only made him laugh loudly and hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."

Do you have any advice that could have saved their marriage? It ended in divorce.

GENTLE READER: So you see where bad manners can lead. Wars have been started over less. A husband who knowingly irritates his wife in the name of cultural customs is not likely trying to keep her.

Beware of cultural practices that are used to vex others -- or extract money from them. (Eating with your knife is never polite -- not to mention, highly dangerous.)

Marriages with different cultures and legitimate customs must set ground rules. Anything so annoying that it leads to divorce should be high on the list for elimination.

Miss Manners certainly acknowledges regional etiquette differences, but -- particularly where there are children involved -- advises giving preference to the manners of the society in which the family resides.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper etiquette when working in an office while sick?

GENTLE READER: To avoid it.

If it is absolutely necessary -- and you cannot work from home -- then try to keep to yourself and politely avoid contact with others, delicately explaining your situation (graphic descriptions and/or demonstrations are not allowed).

Miss Manners would also like to add that the correct response to hearing that someone is ill is, "I'm so sorry you're not feeling well," and not, "Eww. Get away from me!"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I were at a high-energy fitness class with loud music, and at times during the class we were talking. Unbeknownst to us, our voices were carrying.

The instructor never yelled at us, but in the middle of the class, a disgruntled participant turned around and screamed at us, "Hey, she's trying to teach a class up here."

At this point, we kept quiet for most of the remainder of the class. We felt bad and were going to apologize to her and the teacher at the end of class for being disruptive. However, we were unable to do so, as we were ambushed by three other class participants.

One right after the other ranted at us like we were second-graders, telling us how rude we were. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you this was loud and in front of several people, the instructor included, who all seemed to be embarrassed for their yelling and berating us for talking during a loud fitness class (which was not in any way, shape or form a class remotely like yoga or anything else restorative).

I know we were impolite to talk during the class, and I respect that they were entitled to address this with us, but honestly, is it necessary to be ambushed and yelled at in front of other people over and over?

Didn't the first person who loudly called us out for our offense do enough? Was it really necessary to have three more ladies be ... a word that rhymes with witchy? Were we wrong to be taken aback?

For the record, we politely replied, "We're sorry," and then "OK" after their repeated verbal lashings.

GENTLE READER: There is a reason that Miss Manners is not in the habit of deputizing passers-by: Too many are apt to forget their own manners when confronted with rudeness.

She appreciates that you are willing to apologize, but notes that your fellow students were correct in one thing -- your talking was rude not merely to the teacher, but also to the whole class. A quick "I'm sorry" to the room at the time would have been in order. Even if your rudeness may have prevented your classmates from getting their full exercise regimen, it does not justify them making up the difference by attacking you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I own a beautiful and charming English bull terrier, not a dog one sees every day. Occasionally, when we are out walking, curious people ask me about the breed.

I am a member of a breed club and am happy to answer most questions admirers have about this breed. But sometimes I am asked how much I paid for him, or how much a dog like this costs. I am uncomfortable replying, "It's none of your business" or "If you must ask ..."

Am I wrong to think this is a rude question to ask? What would Miss Manners recommend as a courteous reply?

GENTLE READER: "Bobo has become such a member of the family that I have not thought about it since he joined us. I'm sure you could find resources online."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)