DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm one spouse in a biracial, same-sex marriage. It really rips me when waitpersons don't pick up on the fact that my husband and I are a couple (let alone spouses) and ask us whether we want separate checks. So much so that I make a significant deduction to their tip (up to 50 percent if they've done something else to annoy me).

I realize this isn't teaching them anything, but short of trying to engage an already annoying person in additional unwanted chatter, what can I do to make myself feel better about the situation? Do you have any thoughts, please?

GENTLE READER: Chiefly that you stop overthinking this.

How, exactly, would you propose teaching service people to recognize that two people, of whatever race or gender, are a couple? Eavesdropping to discover if they are discussing whether the washing machine should be fixed or replaced? Checking to see if they are playing footsie under the table?

And what if they are a couple, unmarried or married, who keep separate accounts? Or one of them is taking the other out for a special treat?

Sadly, Miss Manners shouldn't think you would have to work that hard to find evidence of prejudice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Working at a restaurant in a small tourist town, I find myself and my co-workers constantly being photographed. Some people will ask first and, depending on how busy I am, I will oblige.

Is it rude for people to snap shots of their server, cashier, etc., or is it just part of working in the service industry?

GENTLE READER: It is rude to interrupt someone who is working with non-work-related matters, but it is not unreasonable to expect that at tourist destinations, photography is part of the service. If it bothers you, Miss Manners recommends that for the customers who do not ask permission, you find a way to be inadvertently looking the other direction at something work-related.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I volunteered to drive a neighbor's daughter to school due to my neighbor's sickness, and have been doing so all year.

The young lady is consistently late and makes us wait outside 5 to 10 minutes each morning. I have other children to drive who need to be on time, as well as myself for work.

Is it too much of me to expect the young lady to be ready to leave at the appropriate time? I feel bad leaving without her, but one morning I had to.

GENTLE READER: Repeat if necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: So many times, as I am leaving the office, a certain co-worker will start up a conversation. It won't be about anything specific, or work-related (or interesting), but she will start talking and keep talking.

I am usually more interested in going home to relax than in chitchat. Is there a polite way to say, "Shut up, I want to go home"?

GENTLE READER: "I'm so sorry, but I must get going now. Let's pick this up tomorrow." Miss Manners assures you that if you do this -- without, in fact, picking it up tomorrow -- your co-worker will not follow you home.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As an apartment dweller, I frequently ride the elevator with other residents. When other tenants enter behind me, I typically ask and push the buttons for them -- but one woman barked her floor number at me the moment we entered the elevator, without a "please" or "thank you."

I was stunned by her rudeness and pushed the button reluctantly, but can you recommend a better way to handle this situation? I will likely run into her again, and I would prefer not to feel like an elevator attendant in my own building.

GENTLE READER: Nevertheless, Miss Manners advises you to act like one. If you push the requested button, but, as your fellow tenant is exiting, say, "Ladies' lingerie, better dresses and household goods," she is not likely to repeat her behavior.

�DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I decline the invitation to a good friend's son's destination wedding? Cost is a big factor, but I know she will be offended.

GENTLE READER: Don't count on it. Sometimes people plan weddings that require major investments from their guests exactly in order to keep down the number of attendees.

However, Miss Manners realizes that there are even more people who believe their family weddings to be of such momentous importance as to be worth any sacrifice on the part of others.

What these apparently opposing attitudes have in common is the way they regard the guests: as supernumeraries who may or may not be desirable to complete the spectacle, but who should be eager to serve at any cost.

Declining an invitation does not require an excuse, and indeed, offering one can be dangerous. You would risk bringing on the rudeness of being told something along the lines of: "What do you mean you can't afford it? You take your family to the beach every summer, don't you? Isn't this more important?"

The way to show your good will would be to accompany your response that declines the invitation with a warm letter of good wishes and regret that you cannot attend. Sending a wedding present, although not strictly obligatory, would be gracious. So would a post-wedding show of interest, even if it involves having to watch the wedding video.

If, after all that, your good friend still maintains that the wedding was a command performance for which your own considerations should have been swept aside -- well, you may have to face the fact that she is not that good a friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend of five-plus years has an ex-wife of approximately 18 years who took back his last name. She had left him for another man and remarried soon after their divorce. Now she is divorced again, and I found it interesting that she took back her first husband's name and did not revert back to her maiden name. What is your thought on this matter?

GENTLE READER: First thought: Surely the lady can call herself what she likes.

But as you asked Miss Manners to think about it, her guess is that this is the surname she had longest in her adult life, perhaps shared with any children of that marriage, perhaps used in her work. What does it matter to you?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an apartment with three other girls, all of whom are in romantic relationships. Due to this, each of them feels the need for constant "alone time" with her significant other.

My roommate and her beau take up our bedroom, another couple takes up the other bedroom, and the last couple takes up the living room. The living room boy sleeps beside his girl all night, every night, on the couch, and my roommate's boy stays until the early morning hours.

This leaves nowhere in the apartment for me to work, relax or sleep. I've spent a few months sleeping on the floor downstairs most nights because my roommate's boy wouldn't leave, and even the couch was taken.

Last year, two of my best friends started dating, and they spent most of their time in the living room with the rest of us. They had their alone time, but it wasn't constant.

I've asked the couch boy if he would go home at night, but he simply becomes angry with me. My roommate keeps promising that she'll send her boy home at a decent hour, but the promises are, clearly, unbinding.

To worsen things, any complaint of these circumstances is passed over as my "bitterness" toward relationships (my own dear friend is pursuing the church, otherwise he and I would be in a serious romantic relationship).

I have no bitterness; I just want to go to bed, or read a book without being in the way.

GENTLE READER: You are paying rent, correct? And yet you aren't being permitted to sleep on a reasonable surface -- or read?

This seems to Miss Manners to violate the terms of any living contract, not to mention friendship. (Don't these boys have homes of their own?)

Keep it businesslike, as you would for sharing rent and utilities. Propose a schedule and stick to it. If they balk at the resulting lack of spontaneity, propose that you then spontaneously pay less, as you are getting less than your fair share of the apartment. And start saving up that money to move out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Often in social and business situations, a male acquaintance will say something like, "Where is your lesser half?" (obviously referring to my husband, who certainly isn't lesser or half), or ask him, "How did you end up with someone like her?" (foolishly implying by tone that he is somehow inferior).

The intention of such comments seems to be an attempt at a compliment to me, but it upsets me because my husband is an extraordinary person. I have always ignored the rudeness, but I feel like I should say something in his defense. What would Miss Manners do?

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, that gallant compliment that questions your taste and judgment to declare that you married beneath you.

Miss Manners does not recommend treating these thoughtless cliches as attacks on your husband, or even yourself, but as the puzzling statements they are. "Lesser? What do you mean?" or "Yes, aren't we both lucky?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)