DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 19-year-old stepdaughter has been invited to a formal dinner dance and asked me to teach her etiquette, so I planned a family dinner using all my fine china, silver, crystal, etc. It was a good opportunity to give some pointers that the children weren't clear on.

However, a situation came up with her sister that I didn't know the answer to. She has some physical limitations using one arm, so she has gotten into the habit of using her fingers to tear her meat since cutting is difficult for her. I felt sure that using her fingers wasn't appropriate, but didn't know what other options she might try. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Many people now believe that any medical problem, physical or psychological, is a valid excuse for ignoring the customs and expectations of society. Miss Manners is not among them.

However sympathetic society may be, it recoils from such obvious violations of established convention as eating meat with one's hands. It is all very well to say that it shouldn't, but it does. And that is even on the part of people who are aware of the problem.

This leaves the young lady with the choice of broadcasting her difficulty at every shared meal, in the hope that this will draw enough sympathy to counter an adverse reaction (although she can hardly notify everyone at a large gathering), or deciding that she doesn't care if others assume that she is merely grossly unmannered.

Miss Manners would think it preferable to avoid eating food she cannot manage when dining out socially, or, at restaurants, requesting that her meat be cut in the kitchen.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A man I connected with online invited me to meet him at a restaurant bar. I ordered a glass of wine. As the conversation ensued, his comments were racist, anti-Semitic, sexist, materialistic, and finally insulting to me and my values.

I stood up and said I was leaving. He said that I should pay for my wine. I said no, because he invited me. I left him with the bill. What do you think??

GENTLE READER: That sticking him with the bill would not be nearly as satisfactory as flinging down money on the table, with the clear intention that you consider the price of ridding yourself of him to be worth it. But, then, Miss Manners considers the high-handed insult to have more dignity than the lowly one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We've been invited to a wedding where the bride wants it "off the grid." She is planning on having 120 guests and has asked that no one bring a camera or take photos with their cellphones. I'd like to hear your comments.

GENTLE READER: One is, "Well, good for her." Another is that Miss Manners considers it a shame to have to instruct one's guests that a wedding ceremony is a solemn rite to which they should be paying quiet attention, and that a wedding reception is a celebration at which they should be socializing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 43-year-old man who came out of the closet 20 years ago. I have spent the vast majority of that time in committed relationships. My husband and I got engaged a year ago last July, and just had our wedding ceremony.

Twelve months after our initial engagement, my parents and my twin sister decided that they could not support my marriage because it was a gay marriage. I was shocked and devastated, as these same people had frequently visited me and whichever partner (there have been only two) over the course of the past 20 years. They spent time in our home, even imposed for a week-long vacation during which I played dutiful tour guide from sun-up to sundown. They slept in our bed, as it was more comfortable than the alternative.

They were uninvited to the wedding, which was for the best. We had a lovely day and will never forget the love and support that surrounded us.

However, the Supreme Court made a decision that legalizes marriage equality in my home state. I've not spoken to any of the three since July, and now I'm not sure where I stand. I'm legally married and would love for my family to be a part of my life, but I will not sacrifice my dignity just to spend time with bigots, to whom I happen to be related.

Should I wait for them to come to me? Or should I reach out to them?

GENTLE READER: It strikes Miss Manners as unlikely that your family consulted the Supreme Court in deciding whether to accept your wedding invitation. Nor does the estrangement seem to have worked.

Yet public opinion about gay marriage has been changing, and it is just possible that they might seize another chance to resume relations.

If you want to reach out, you would probably do better by issuing them an invitation jointly with your husband -- so that it is clear that they would be visiting you as a married couple -- rather than forcing them to rehash their peculiar position of countenancing cohabitation while condemning the respectability of marriage.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette governing the offering and acceptance of a "lift" to an event?

I attended the memorial service of a friend. Wanting to help out, I agreed to drive another couple, strangers to me. The drive was uneventful. However, early into the memorial, my passengers began to inform me that "We're ready to go now."

I wasn't, but with the fourth "reminder," I gave in and away we went, missing what I later learned were some very kind and moving testimonies honoring our deceased friend.

What would have been the proper way to handle this, short of saying, "Call a taxi"?

GENTLE READER? Offering to call a taxi for them.

Miss Manners is sorry that you felt pressured to alter the implicit terms of the favor you did, and assures you that your generosity did not render you a car for hire. Considering the nerve these people showed, she is confident that they would simply have bullied someone else into doing their bidding.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please counsel the polite customer as to the proper way to answer the question often posed by restaurant waiters, "How is everything?" when the honest answer may not be entirely complimentary.

GENTLE READER: Waiters tend to believe that the question is a polite convention -- the professional equivalent of "How are you? -- not meant to be taken literally.

And many customers believe it is an invitation to deliver a lengthy review of the service, the setting and the soup.

Believing that Civilized Behavior trumps Truth No Matter the Cost, Miss Manners eschews both extremes. It is permissible to raise issues that the server can address. These include, "Thank you, the steak appears to be lovely, but I ordered the salmon," and, "Fine, thank you, would it be possible to get the check now?"

They do not include detailed critiques of the choice of ingredients.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it inappropriate to give a co-worker his wedding gift at the office? The wedding will take place in his hometown, and it didn't make sense to take the gift all the way there, when he will have to transport it all the way back here where he lives.

GENTLE READER: Delivering a present at a wedding, when Miss Manners hopes that the recipients' minds are otherwise occupied, is never correct. But delivering it at work may also be inconvenient, not only because your co-worker would have to lug it on his commute home, but also because it may cause him problems with co-workers who were not invited to the wedding.

Traditionally, wedding presents sent before the ceremony are mailed to the bride's home, but as he is the one you know, you may mail it to his home and presume that he will share it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I experienced going with my mom to a first appointment with a new doctor, he had his cellphone on the table between us, and every time it rang, he checked to see who it was.

On the second visit, his phone was again on his desk, and upon checking it, he said, "Arizona?" and proceeded to answer it. Then he had the nerve to tell us it was a robo call.

I asked him why he felt it necessary to even have the cellphone on when he is seeing a patient. His response was, "It might be a doctor."

He did keep his cellphone on -- it rang twice more. But he didn't answer either of those calls. Just the ringing was very distracting to all of us.

I couldn't believe that he did not see the rudeness in all of this. We have no plans to ever see him again. (Unfortunately, he founded a doctors' cancer group --hopefully the rest of his group is not as rude!)

GENTLE READER: His behavior was not just rude, but unwise in tacitly admitting to his belief that doctors outrank patients. Miss Manners will be on the lookout for the inevitable complaint from this very same doctor when his patients emulate his behavior.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)