DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be completing my graduate studies during the next college semester, and I'm unsure as to what the proper etiquette is regarding the mailing of announcements.

I would like to share this accomplishment with the professors who guided me during my undergraduate career, but I am uncertain as to what would be appropriate.

The college I attended during my undergraduate studies is a small liberal arts college in a very tight-knit community. Should I send one to the department chair to share with every professor? Or do I mail one announcement to each individual professor? Is it even appropriate to send an announcement?

GENTLE READER: Where, on a mere announcement, is any acknowledgment that those professors contributed to your academic success? Wouldn't sending one serve as well for someone whose message is, "Nyah, nyah, you thought I couldn't do it"?

Even Miss Manners is not so cynical as to think that graduation announcements are ever sent for the latter purpose. But she wonders what their purpose actually is. Those friends and relatives who would be interested to know of the achievement most likely already do. And the vulgar notion that announcements serve as invoices for presents is mistaken. Presents are always voluntary; all that is due is a letter of congratulation.

By "sharing (your) accomplishment," Miss Manners hopes you mean that you want to express your gratitude for the professors' contributions (which, incidentally, you might want again as you explore the job market in their field). An announcement can accompany -- but does not substitute for -- a letter of thanks. That is what you should write, either to each professor or to the chairman, naming those individuals who helped you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are car racing officials, and most of our friends are volunteers, drivers or crew in racing. For that reason, we decided to have our wedding at the start/finish line of our local track. Most of them would be there anyway.

We ensured we had enough sparkling wine and cupcakes for the number of people who would be attending at the track, so everyone would feel welcome.

However, we also sent out specific invitations to our close friends and family for an off-track reception. In those, we specifically said we didn't want any gifts. Beside the fact that we don't need anything, we did this because we knew that some friends who could probably manage coming, but might not have if they felt obligated to bring a gift. So, I thought in this case, while we were not following established etiquette, we did the polite thing. Did we?

GENTLE READER: Because she so often has to deal with bridal greed, Miss Manners is reluctant to condemn this particular transgression. She will give you a pass, which she might as well, considering that the deed is already done.

But the rule against any such formal statement (as opposed to word of mouth) exists because hosts are not even supposed to be thinking of the present-potential when they issue invitations to weddings or any other event. Furthermore, this well-meant tactic is no longer effective. Sadly, Miss Manners is often asked whether "No gifts" really means "Cash only."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a young nephew and niece, ages 3 and 1. When the first child was born, I asked my sister for her children to call me according to the language customs for "aunt" in our heritage language. While we were born and raised in the United States, we grew up referring to our aunts and uncles this way, and I would like to continue the tradition.

She has refused this request, calling me by a different name in front of her children. At this point, her kids are either not yet speaking, or too young to pronounce anything correctly anyway.

However, I know that her children will come to know me by the name she uses. Not only that, but any future nieces and nephews from other siblings will likely refer to me the same way as their cousins.

I love my niece and nephew, and my siblings, but feel it is disrespectful to not respect my request. Do I have a say in what my nieces and nephews call me?

GENTLE READER: Probably not. But not for the reasons that you suppose.

Miss Manners finds it sweetly naive that you assume that the children will do whatever their mother tells them. In the interest of preserving family harmony, it might be wise to ask your sister gently why the children aren't calling you by your preferred title. If it is on purpose or just an oversight, at least you will know with what you are up against and can act accordingly.

If you deem your sister unreasonable, later, as you begin forging your own relationship with your nieces and nephews, you may choose to drive her crazy by conspiratorially asking them to call you by the title you prefer. Children do so love secrets -- and doing the opposite of what their mothers tell them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Isn't it wrong for a bride-to-be to have a bridal shower given by someone who is not invited to the wedding, and to invite people who aren't invited to the wedding? That sounds like you're having a shower just to receive presents.

GENTLE READER: Sure does.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beloved in-laws frequently dine at our home. We love having them join us for family meals. Only one small problem prevails: They love to use their fingers to pick apart cakes and other shared desserts.

I have tried offering to cut them a slice when they start stripping off the topping or edges of one of my homemade desserts at the table. They usually reply, "Oh no, thank you -- I'm fine just picking."

I don't want to offend them or hurt their feelings, but watching the dessert get decimated really grosses me out -- and often destroys the most coveted parts of the treats. Please help!

GENTLE READER: Have you considered serving individual portions? Or perhaps parading the dessert around the table for display (while keeping a firm grip on it), before quickly removing it to cut?

No doubt, your family thinks that they are being familial, but Miss Manners agrees that it does make the food highly unpalatable. She encourages you to avoid the problem by finding some new recipes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a 3-year-old child who is a picky eater. He is healthy, and the pediatrician has advised me not to stress him by forcing him to eat things he does not like.

My parents invite us to family dinners on Sunday, but my dad always serves very savory or complex dishes, and my son just eats bread. I'm not sure whether to say something to my father -- although he is fully aware that my child never eats. I'm not sure whether just to stop going. Do the hosts have an obligation to provide food everyone will be able to eat?

GENTLE READER: Happy as your son's pediatrician apparently was to provide advice, Miss Manners does not see this as a medical question.

By your own description, your son can eat the food provided. He simply does not wish to do so. Nor is it a question of going hungry, as the bread meets his exacting standards.

Your parents have met the requirements of hospitality, though perhaps at the cost of endearing themselves to the next generation. Miss Manners would think that the latter would be punishment enough for most grandparents without requiring more extreme measures. You may tell your son that he does not have to eat everything provided, so long as he is polite and discreet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper method of finding out more about your job application when the employer states that you can only check the status online? It has been over a month with no news, and I feel like I am left hanging. What time limit would be appropriate before I could contact them to find out more, even though they stated not to?

GENTLE READER: It may be that you already have an answer, and not the one you hoped for. Miss Manners disapproves of employers leaving applicants hanging, and forbidding them from following up themselves exacerbates the rudeness.

Since you have been waiting for such a long time, she suggests you call the employer and politely inquire if it is the company's policy to notify all applicants -- even if the answer is negative. You may learn in passing if the position has been filled. Such a call does not technically violate the employer's ban, since you are not inquiring about the status of your own application.

If the employer does not recognize this distinction -- and treat you politely -- you will at least have learned something about how your prospective employer treats the help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of many years, but with whom I've had limited contact recently, called to tell me she was not going to invite me to her wedding. She said if her wedding were further in the future she might feel differently.

I said it was her day and there were no hard feelings. I assumed that not receiving an invitation was sufficient notice for anyone, and a call to say I wasn't invited was odd. But is it rude as well?

GENTLE READER: Back when you knew her, presumably when you were both school age, was she in the habit of telling you, "Nyah, nyah, I'm having a birthday party and you can't come"? Miss Manners assures you that it is as nasty now as it was then.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)