DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last fall, I married my partner of 24 years in another state that allowed gay marriages, as our state did not. Once back, we had a lovely reception at our home and hosted about 100 guests.

We really did not want presents, and after doing some research, decided not to mention anything about gifts on the invitation. We received many great and unique gifts and many gift cards, which were put to good use.

However, we were surprised to receive a number of greeting cards with promises to take us out to dinner to celebrate. Seven months later, not one has made good on their promise.

Not that we are keeping track, but each time we see one of these folks, we hear, "Oh, we still owe you a dinner!"

I politely reply, "You don't owe us a thing, but we would love to go out with you sometime soon!" It is to the point of being very awkward when we see one of these people. We never bring up the forgotten dinner.

I hope young married couples do not receive such promises as gifts. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That you needn't worry about the awkwardness, which is of their making, and which you have been handling gracefully.

Miss Manners quite agrees with you about such promises. She does not doubt that the desks of many parents now contain prettily decorated but worn slips of paper with Christmas promises from their children for breakfast in bed and other treats.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I will be celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary next year, if the Lord is willing and we are still both here, and I would like to have our names printed on the napkins. Which one of his names should I use?

All our friends and family who live in the state where we were born and attended school called him by his middle name. He was in the Army for over 20 years, and wherever we lived and where we have lived now, for almost 40 years, people call him by his first name. We are hoping some of our friends and relatives will be coming for the reception from our home state.

I don't want to have two stacks of napkins -- kind of confusing, as people here would wonder what is going on. So, which name should be put on the napkins?

GENTLE READER: That this is what we now call "a First World problem" does not bother Miss Manners. What does is that etiquette has no tradition to cover this.

Somehow it failed to acknowledge paper napkins. Thus the closest precedent is that a bride's linen napkins are monogrammed with her initials. That's no help at all -- wrong material and 50 years too late.

So Miss Manners will have to set a precedent, as well as a special exception for this case.

Paper napkins being highly informal, marking them with whatever one goes by, including a nickname, is better than trying to pass them off as the real thing. However, here she would allow you to use both your husband's and your first and middle names, so as not to prompt any guests to think that there has been a switch that they missed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two children through adoption, and am in the process of adopting the biological sibling of my younger child.

These siblings were born into the foster care system. Their birth mother grew up in foster care. That, together with her family's extreme dysfunction, led her to addiction. I have enormous sympathy for her circumstances, and have seen her weep for her losses and what her life has become.

Aside from her addiction issues, she is a sweet, likable and respectful individual. While clearly the circumstances of our children's births are not ideal, we are so grateful to have them, and I make sure to tell our children how much she loves them and how wanted they are.

My problem is with people who ask me if she has heard of birth control, or proclaim that the authorities should just tie her tubes, or offer other simplistic solutions to a very complex issue. I know I have a far deeper understanding of the situation and have tried explaining some of it, but this takes time and often reveals more of my children's stories than I might wish.

Does Miss Manners have a kind and gentle response that reminds people that until they have walked a mile in her shoes, they are in no position to judge?

GENTLE READER: It would be tempting to respond with something like, "Birth control? What's that? I've never heard of it, either." But don't.

Rather, Miss Manners recommends a cold "I beg your pardon, but I must remind you that are talking about the mother of my children." That should at least confuse them enough to be rendered speechless.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Frequently when our family meets for dinner at a restaurant, we find that our mother has pre-ordered food and we're not allowed to see a menu or make any choices.

We're middle-aged children, and our mother insists that this is the same as visiting her house for dinner, therefore she makes the choices. I've asked her to stop doing this and she ignores my requests.

Is this appropriate host behavior? I don't like having my food chosen for me, but am I rude to insist on ordering for myself, or is the host rude for not letting me choose?

GENTLE READER: This does seem to defeat the very point of going to a restaurant, doesn't it?

Is your mother paying for the meal and therefore trying to avoid a fight over the bill while still staying within her budget? Miss Manners would ordinarily never dream of asking about money, but she is trying to eke out the rationale here.

Perhaps your mother is confusing this casual family dinner with renting a restaurant party room, where one would act as host and plan the menu?

As you are middle-aged children, at least one of you should set a good example by insisting on taking her out for dinner, asking her what she would like to eat, and requesting, when making the reservation, that the bill be presented only to the host. If this is not feasible, Miss Manners recommends that you give up, and either give in or start inviting the family to your house for dinner.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a wonderful weekend in New York City with a friend and our two daughters, ages 9 and 12, we enjoyed a Broadway show, dinners out, sightseeing and crowd watching. At the theater, after the show was over, we were told that cast members would be at the exits collecting donations for a charity supported by the members.

As we exited, sure enough, actors were holding buckets just waiting for our cash. At the restaurant that night, the singing waiters came around and asked for donations to help them attend acting and singing classes so that they, too, could become Broadway stars.

Both situations made me feel pressured to donate to their causes, which aren't necessarily on my philanthropic list. My daughter also dug into her wallet to donate, but at 12, I don't know that she really understood what she was donating to.

Is this a new trend to solicit donations from captive audiences? How should I politely refuse to donate as the wait staff comes by my table and holds their collection cup directly in front of me?

I also see this trend at stores. When I check out, I'm asked to donate to the "cause of the week." I usually politely decline, but would rather not be asked in the first place.

GENTLE READER: Anyone who raises money for a living -- whether as a panhandler or as a professional "development" officer -- will tell you that it is hard work. It therefore amazes Miss Manners how many people voluntarily add such activities to their more immediate duties, be those serving dinner, reciting lines, or -- in an extreme but also increasingly common case -- getting married.

You may curtail your waiter's side business by appealing to his supervisor, who is unlikely to be supportive of his hope of singing his way out of the restaurant. Theater troupes and newlyweds are less likely to listen to management, assuming that it is not management that put them up to it. But you may merely smile at them, say "Thank you" to confuse them, and pass by without donating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother's wife passed several years ago, yet some family members continue using her name, to this day, in email addressed to my brother.

He is engaged again, and while we will always remember Olivia, I feel it is disrespectful not to stop addressing the email to "Olivia and Will" and have stated so.

The response has been, "He didn't tell me to stop, so I don't have to."

GENTLE READER: Shockingly, it is just possible that the relative who so responded was being serious.

Whether this is so or not, Miss Manners advises you to treat it as a misguided attempt at humor. She suggests, "I don't think joking is the kindest response to his loss and our hope that he is again finding happiness." This will be more effective than getting into an argument about whether a funeral is not sufficient notice that the person in question is no longer checking her email.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)