DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are the 80- and 85-year-old parents of adult children who visit from out of state. I no longer want to provide maid services for them.

Is it inhospitable to ask them to leave the guest bedroom and bathroom/shower as clean as they found it when they arrived? I placed a pail and cleaning products in their bath cabinet.

When we visit friends' homes, I roll up the bed linen and bring used towels to our host's laundry, and clean the toilet and bathroom. What guidelines are acceptable to request of our family?

GENTLE READER: Guessing that your children are at least over 40, Miss Manners thinks you may be a bit late in bringing them up to be good guests.

However, you may still ask them to pick up after themselves when they visit. Scrubbing the bathroom is not the usual guest duty, but it is your house and your children, and surely, they would like to spare you the labor. Hints are not working, and it would be a gratuitous insult to the entire family to suggest that they were badly brought up. Just phrase it as a favor to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to eat potato chips from a bag in the office?

GENTLE READER: Silently. Miss Manners wishes you good luck with that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I was coming down the stairwell of my apartment building on my way to work this morning, I was confronted with a neighbor's dog who "energetically" jumped up on me (twice).

I was startled, to say the least, and really glad I had decided against pantyhose and opted for trousers instead, because he surely would have run them.

The dog's owner was not far behind -- the dog was on one of those stretch leashes -- and witnessed the whole event. To my dismay, rather than offering an apology (e.g., "Gee, I'm sorry my dog jumped up on you"), she defiantly exclaimed, "He's not dangerous or anything -- he's not going to hurt you."

No doubt she adores her pooch and, in her 20-something mindset, could not fathom that another human being would be anything but flattered by its presence, even if it jumped up on you.

My response to her was, "I'm sure he's the nicest dog in the world -- he just likes to jump up on people." But what I wished I had said instead was, "This is the part where you say that you're sorry your dog jumped up on me." Wish I had thought of that in real time, but like I said, I was understandably startled.

GENTLE READER: No. This is when you should express to the owner your hope that her lovely pooch does not get injured jumping up on people he does not know. Miss Manners does not allow you to conduct obedience school for dog owners, however much they need it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever appropriate for a person to vacuum while the party is still happening? I am not referring to a quick cleanup of a mishap.

GENTLE READER: Only if the guests have overstayed for so long that the host is desperate to get rid of them. Even then, Miss Manners would much prefer a hearty "So nice of you to come" while fetching their coats.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's daughter had her first child on my birthday. I'm trying not to appear selfish, but the first birthday next year, which is many months away, is already being planned. My husband wants me to go to the city the night before (actual birthday) for a visit and nice dinner, just the two of us. The next day will be all about baby.

I don't particularly care for the city she lives in, and it would not be a vacation destination for me. Plus, all the wonderful recommendations given over the years have not been to my taste.

How do I politely tell my husband that this is not how I want to celebrate my birthday? I feel I need to set a precedent.

Let me also say that I have told him many times he can visit on his own as often as he wishes without any repercussions at home, as I appreciate the "me time."

GENTLE READER: Do you really think that you can set up a competition between yourself and an infant grandchild without appearing selfish?

Grown-ups are supposed to be -- well, mature. If you want your birthday dinner to be in your own city, why can't you have it before or after the actual day? George Washington and Abraham Lincoln regularly move their birthdays around for the convenience of others.

Miss Manners can relieve you of the worry about setting precedents. Once the child is in preschool, he or she will want to have birthday parties for playmates, and will be flexible to receive relatives on another day. And you will have been out-matured.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last night I attended a play. It was good, and I enjoyed it, but at the end a few people in the audience got up and gave a standing ovation. Then other people felt compelled to stand up, too.

While I did like the play, I didn't feel it deserved a standing ovation, and I remained sitting. I feel that originally, the standing ovation was meant to be a sign of an exceptional performance, but now it seems to be given at the end of every show.

Was I being obstinate and rude for not standing up with everyone else? Should I just accept that the standing ovation has been devalued, or can I remain sitting even when everyone else is standing? If I should have stood, how many people constitute a standing ovation that everyone should get up for?

GENTLE READER: Ovation inflation annoys Miss Manners, too. She would think it would annoy performers, knowing that their best work is received no differently from their worst. But she is aware that that is about as likely as students getting upset about grade inflation.

There is no reason for you to abandon your judgment to follow the crowd. If you remain seated, applauding or not as you think fit, perhaps other discerning souls will join you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend said she wants to dye her hair purple. I really don't think it's going to look good on her. How do I tell her without sounding rude?

GENTLE READER: Do you suppose that your friend is doing this with the hope of courting universal approval? Unless she has asked for critical advice, Miss Manners sees no reason to give it.

Besides, how do you know it won't be becoming, if she hasn't done it yet?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a Valentine's Day card from a guy that I like, but I don't know if I'm supposed to give him one, too. Should I? Does he expect one from me also?

GENTLE READER: You may be sure that he is hoping for one. As to whether you should comply, Miss Manners would have to examine the state of your heart, which is not in her job description.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the mother of a first-grader, I am starting to field a lot of birthday invitations from his classmates -- many of whom I know nothing about beyond the occasional mention from my son at the dinner table.

When I call to RVSP, I typically ask about the interests of the guest of honor so that we can choose an appropriate gift. I phrase my question, "And what is it that (child) is into these days?"

The response is always something along the lines of, "We don't expect a gift; your presence is gift enough," or "I'm sure whatever your son picks, s/he will love it."

I usually press again for a response and receive one, but now I'm wondering: Am I rude for persisting, or even asking in the first place? Would it be more appropriate to allow my son to choose whatever he wants, and include a gift receipt for the recipient to return, if necessary?

Since my son's birthday is coming up in a couple of months, how should I respond to these inevitable inquiries myself?

GENTLE READER: Everyone is behaving well here, Miss Manners is pleased to say.

Asking about a child's general areas of interest is a tactful way to fish for present ideas without stating so directly -- and allows the host to answer in kind, leaving it open to interpretation and a variety of price points. If the host doesn't give you enough to go on (and you shouldn't press further if it is straining the conversation), make your son do any further investigating. It is good training for when he will be doing this on his own.

When it is your turn, you should do the same, keeping it similarly general. "Oh, Marcus loves building things" is acceptable. "We're hoping for a sports car" is not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin got married not quite two years ago. The ceremony and reception were lovely, and I was considering using the same beautiful church for my own wedding, which I am just beginning to plan.

However, since my cousin's marriage was short-lived, I am not sure whether using the same church would be disrespectful and distasteful. There are other wonderful churches nearby, but this one also has an enchanting environment, near a lake. What would be the proper thing to do?

GENTLE READER: The last Miss Manners checked, churches were exempt from curses. But then, the last she checked, bridal couples were supposed to choose their wedding churches on the basis of something deeper than scenery.

No, wait. The last she really heard was that churches were actually being regarded as stage sets. In that case, surely more than one show can be put on there.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)