DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a Valentine's Day card from a guy that I like, but I don't know if I'm supposed to give him one, too. Should I? Does he expect one from me also?

GENTLE READER: You may be sure that he is hoping for one. As to whether you should comply, Miss Manners would have to examine the state of your heart, which is not in her job description.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the mother of a first-grader, I am starting to field a lot of birthday invitations from his classmates -- many of whom I know nothing about beyond the occasional mention from my son at the dinner table.

When I call to RVSP, I typically ask about the interests of the guest of honor so that we can choose an appropriate gift. I phrase my question, "And what is it that (child) is into these days?"

The response is always something along the lines of, "We don't expect a gift; your presence is gift enough," or "I'm sure whatever your son picks, s/he will love it."

I usually press again for a response and receive one, but now I'm wondering: Am I rude for persisting, or even asking in the first place? Would it be more appropriate to allow my son to choose whatever he wants, and include a gift receipt for the recipient to return, if necessary?

Since my son's birthday is coming up in a couple of months, how should I respond to these inevitable inquiries myself?

GENTLE READER: Everyone is behaving well here, Miss Manners is pleased to say.

Asking about a child's general areas of interest is a tactful way to fish for present ideas without stating so directly -- and allows the host to answer in kind, leaving it open to interpretation and a variety of price points. If the host doesn't give you enough to go on (and you shouldn't press further if it is straining the conversation), make your son do any further investigating. It is good training for when he will be doing this on his own.

When it is your turn, you should do the same, keeping it similarly general. "Oh, Marcus loves building things" is acceptable. "We're hoping for a sports car" is not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin got married not quite two years ago. The ceremony and reception were lovely, and I was considering using the same beautiful church for my own wedding, which I am just beginning to plan.

However, since my cousin's marriage was short-lived, I am not sure whether using the same church would be disrespectful and distasteful. There are other wonderful churches nearby, but this one also has an enchanting environment, near a lake. What would be the proper thing to do?

GENTLE READER: The last Miss Manners checked, churches were exempt from curses. But then, the last she checked, bridal couples were supposed to choose their wedding churches on the basis of something deeper than scenery.

No, wait. The last she really heard was that churches were actually being regarded as stage sets. In that case, surely more than one show can be put on there.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son has some wonderful friends/clients who at are the tippy-top of the economic pyramid. He is invited to many events at their homes and yachts.

He doesn't bring the hostess a gift. Apparently, none of the other members of the circle bring them either. These are people of all ages from 21 to 79 -- some "new" money and some old.

Are hostess gifts not brought to such events? I will be attending one of these events, and I am not sure what I should do. Also, what would one bring to such an event? I cannot afford a $200 bottle of wine. This is very embarrassing.

GENTLE READER: It needn't be. Despite the number of people who say they were brought up "never to appear empty-handed," there are indeed circles in which this is not practiced.

It is not money that defines such people, but a sense of hospitality. While they may be pleased to receive an occasional bouquet or box of chocolates, they dislike what has come to seem like a barter system -- a contribution in exchange for a meal. The truly essential bargain between host and guest requires the guest only to respond promptly, show up on time, socialize with other guests, thank the host, write additional thanks and reciprocate.

You needn't bring anything, and a $200 bottle of wine would be ridiculous.

Your son, although apparently a regular visitor, is probably not yet in a position to reciprocate with invitations. But he can find other ways to show appreciation by training himself to be alert to what would be welcome. An offer to fix the computer problem of a host who is complaining about it, for example. Sending a book or recording that was discussed to someone who showed interest in it. Learning to crew if his friends don't have professional crews on their yachts.

A young friend who is thoughtful and eager to be helpful is a treasure that money cannot buy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my late 20s, am married and work as a teacher. At open evenings, staff and current students mingle with prospective students and their parents.

I wear a name badge, but students and teachers alike wear suits, so I am frequently mistaken for a student aged 16 to 18 by parents who haven't met me before, and they greet me with a line such as, "So then, how are you enjoying studying math?"

Once they realize their mistake, they get flustered and sometimes dig themselves into an even bigger hole by blurting out things I am sure they didn't mean to say, e.g., telling me I'm too young to be married, asking my age, or how my first year of teaching is going (I've been there for years).

How can I help them avoid feeling embarrassed, and how do I gracefully lead the conversation swiftly back to their interest in our school?

GENTLE READER: It is one of Miss Manners' great discoveries that one needn't contradict others in order to set them straight. In this case, she would have you say: "I'm always fascinated by math, or, as you can imagine, I wouldn't be teaching it all these years. But as you know, one can never really stop studying it."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

The likelihood of emergencies seems to have increased alarmingly, judging from the number of people who cannot be temporarily parted from their cellphones, or who excuse themselves from commitments. Perhaps it is time to establish a definition.

The following occurrences are not, as a rule, emergencies:

-- You left your lunch in the refrigerator at home.

-- You forgot to record your favorite television show.

-- You cannot find your car keys.

Before you rush to inform Miss Manners that you are diabetic and celiac, so that lunch would have kept you out of the emergency room; that the television show is the only thing that gets you through a stressful week without a breakdown; or that without your car keys, your toddler will be stranded at his after-school program, allow her to explain.

If the dietary and child care problems apply literally to your situation, you have Miss Manners' sympathy and she will pause while you resolve the situation. She did say that such things are not "as a rule" emergencies. Watching television never is.

If, however, those explanations are not literally true -- if, rather, you will miss the show, are hungry, or feel bad at being late to meet a friend, please bear with her.

Note that she uses the word "literal" literally. Not liking the lunch options in the cafeteria is literally not the same as their sending you into shock.

As someone who is susceptible to the charm of a good story, Miss Manners understands the human tendency to exaggerate. But the escalation of inconveniences into emergencies has both devalued the term and led us into avoidable incivility.

Miss Manners has never maintained that the classic example of yelling "Fire!" in a theater is rude when a fire literally exists. She does, however, insist that it is rude to yell because the popcorn is not ready and the trailers are going on too long.

Exceptions to normal behavior are made for emergencies. They are not made for annoyances, inconveniences, or -- and this is the distinction most often forgotten -- for situations that, if left untended, might perhaps, in some distant future, become emergencies.

Making this distinction requires an exercise of judgment. If you see something falling out of a building in the general direction of a passer-by, etiquette does not require an emergency room admission before you can act. The person you pushed out of the way will not, she hopes, be cross with you if it turns out that the object went clear of the mark. Assuming, of course, you did not inadvertently push that person into harm's way.

But please, let us agree to stop pushing and yelling over the daily vicissitudes of life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You're going to think I am kidding, but I would like some pointers on the appropriate greeting for a casual acquaintance who has been arrested for shoplifting.

"Hello, how are you?" seemed a little awkward in the circumstances. To ignore an acquaintance also seems rude. What is your recommendation?

GENTLE READER: The words are right; Miss Manners only needs to help you with the emphasis. The idea is to show some feeling for the person, without seeming to probe about the crime or endorse it. Thus, "Hello, how ARE you?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)