DEAR MISS MANNERS: Friends have made it very clear that they no longer answer their house phones, nor do they check their email accounts.

My wife works out of town and we travel as a couple a great deal, for business and pleasure. In an effort to plan an event or mark a change in their lives, we have resorted to personal notes.

The results have been disappointing at best. Often we are met with silence, and, on a number of occasions, with anger.

It appears we are to play telephone tag or text their cellphones with invitations or remembrances of major events in their lives. The passing of family, pets, jobs or other events can all be handled in less than 140 characters.

Did we miss the memo: Have our lives become so busy and tied to a cellphone that an attempt to express sympathy, compassion or extend an invitation is to be derided as belonging to another era?

GENTLE READER: By your own account, you have resorted to personal notes not because you believe in a more graceful way of communicating, but rather because no one is answering your emails and home voice mails.

Miss Manners sympathizes and suggests that this form the basis of your response to those who object to your handwritten missives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are friends with recovering alcoholics who have been sober for more than 10 years. We try to plan activities together that do not involve food and drink, but invariably end up sharing a restaurant meal. My husband says I should skip my usual glass of wine when dining with them.

I have a severe allergy to dairy products; a small amount can make me sick for days. Our friends know this, but order large bowls of ice cream to finish their meals, commenting on how delicious it is and telling me what a shame it is that I can't have any.

My husband says the wine and the ice cream are not the same issue. Are they?

GENTLE READER: Yes.

The next time your friends are so rude as to taunt you, Miss Manners would consider it a perfect opportunity to point that out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter (age 27) and I had a lengthy, mildly heated debate about returning texts. If someone texts her to see how her studies are going, my daughter says she doesn't have time to respond to every such text.

I feel that anytime someone takes the time to pick up a phone or text or email you to see how you are doing, you should get back to that person. I also say it is a reflection of your character.

She totally disagrees.

GENTLE READER: Sometimes, two or more perfectly valid etiquette rules can be contradictory, and one must use judgment to decide which of them takes precedence.

While Miss Manners agrees that inquiries from a friend or family member deserve a response, she wonders how often these updates are being requested. There is also a rule against pestering someone who is trying to work.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend is wonderful -- attentive, trustworthy and a devoted fan of yours! He's so wonderful, in fact, that I'm ashamed to explain how his amiable disposition troubles me.

My primary concern is that he's on friendly terms with each of his former girlfriends! He says that even though he's no longer in love with any of his exes, he hopes to keep each one as a lifelong friend.

This is difficult for me. I do not enjoy reading upbeat comments from these exes on his social media posts. I cannot stand that my boyfriend expects me to share his enthusiasm when one happens to be passing through town and asks to meet us for lunch.

Worst of all? One ex-girlfriend lives just down the block from us! It's tedious, crossing paths with her at the grocery store or the post office. It takes every ounce of energy I possess just to smile and greet her by name.

Once I even boarded a city bus to find her sitting beside my boyfriend in the same seat. I was furious.

My boyfriend was hurt and taken aback by my anger. He doesn't understand why I find interacting with these women to be so unpleasant. He also thinks my request for him to terminate these friendships is unreasonable.

Friends argue that because my boyfriend is considerably older than me, he has had more time to develop non-threatening friendships with former lovers. That it's not unusual, and the fact that he doesn't hide them from me is also commendable.

Does etiquette permit close friendships between exes, or is my discomfort justified? Should I attempt to overcome my uneasiness around these women, and appreciate having a boyfriend who refuses to hold grudges over past breakups?

GENTLE READER: You think the gentleman is wonderful. Other ladies think he is wonderful. Even Miss Manners, who has never met him (but finds herself susceptible to his flattery), thinks he sounds wonderful.

So why do you want to treat him as if he is not?

Would you be happier if he harbored unresolved grudges against these ladies, was sneaking off to see them without you, and would be willing to help you figure out how to run one of them out of the neighborhood?

Your suggestion of overcoming petty feelings and appreciating the kinder disposition of your beau is an excellent one. Please make more of an effort to follow it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How many strands of pearls is too many? I had always heard that a lady should never wear more than three at one time. Now I see so many starlets and even Michelle Obama wearing five or six or more.

It still looks trashy to me. Have times changed?

GENTLE READER: Of course times have changed, but what do pearls care? With their innocent look, they don't have to obey the rules that restrict their flashier peers.

Miss Manners supposes it is technically possible to wear too many pearls. But five, seven or even nine strands (in a choker worn on a very long neck) have never been considered trashy.

Notice that the possibility of four, six or eight strands was not mentioned. That is because pearls do not lead a totally unrestricted existence. As Miss Manners' dear grandmother took care to teach her, "A lady does not wear an even number of strands of pearls."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know someone who is in the late stages of a terminal illness. This person received one of those colorful, lovely animated email greeting cards from a close family member. The e-card wished the "Best New Year" for the coming year.

The recipient was shocked that someone would send such a thing. Even if it was the result of a thoughtless failure to edit a mass-mailing list, it seems a horrible breach of manners. The recipient was very hurt and said so. What do you think, Miss Manners?

GENTLE READER: That mass mailings do no one any good.

The failure to consider the feelings of the recipient is stunning in this instance, Miss Manners agrees. But even in ordinary cases, it must be obvious this has to do with checking off a list, not greeting individuals.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an American who lives permanently in an English-speaking country where the local accent is much different. I don't mind being asked where I'm from, as it's always a friendly question, but I am fed up with being told some variant of, "Oh, you still sound American."

Yes, this is how I speak, and I guarantee that any attempt on my part to mimic the locals' way of speech would be met with derision and scorn. Please, I beg you (in my best natural accent), provide me with an appropriate response.

GENTLE READER: "Thank you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently did business for the first time with some very nice people. There was a bit of a mix-up, and to make things right, they offered to take me out to dinner.

After dinner, one of them enthusiastically said something like, "We are going to be great friends!"

I had only been acquainted with these people for three days, and they live across the country and rarely visit this area. Furthermore, I know that they are hoping to leave the door open for future business with me, which would benefit them financially (albeit by a very small sum).

In fact, I would love to be friends with them, as they are simply enchanting and very well-respected. However, I felt that they could not possibly be serious about this, so I simply said something like, "How nice of you!" They picked up on it and joked that I didn't want to be their friend.

I guess I am being too cold. Maybe a person with better social skills would have said, "Yes, we'll be great friends!" with the understanding that everyone involved knew this to be untrue. Right?

GENTLE READER: So you would like to be friends with these people, but are pre-emptively squashing it by suspecting their motives? Miss Manners congratulates you on successfully closing that door.

Had it not occurred to you that with modern technology, you would be able to communicate easily in the future -- and should either party happen to be in the other's city in the future, you could have enjoyed another pleasant outing? Not to mention the business aspect that could have been mutually beneficial.

Everyone, please stop subscribing motives to innocuous statements and being "completely honest."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)