DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it possible to discourage or redirect adult relatives away from the practice of making Christmas lists?

I have tried and failed -- so far. At the tender age of 53, I am embarrassed to write out a "Dear Santa" letter, especially since my husband and I are lucky enough to be able to buy everything we need and much of what we want.

My relatives (siblings, their spouses, my mother) are in similarly good financial condition. However, they exert a great deal of pressure to produce these Christmas lists, which suggests to me that they can't be bothered coming up with something to wrap up and put under the tree.

It's depressing -- are we really such strangers to each other? I would be happy to forgo gifts altogether, but that option was not popular with my family. It seems so silly and kind of sad to buy things for people they could easily buy for themselves. It's not really the end of the world to take a chance on someone even if the present later ends up being re-gifted or sent to charity, is it?

GENTLE READER: Like you, Miss Manners has tried and --so far -- pretty much failed to discourage people from trashing the ancient custom of exchanging presents and substituting the exchange of shopping lists.

What (she keeps asking) is the point? The choice of presents is supposed to produce that warm feeling of knowing that someone else has noticed you and considered how to please you. When that element of thoughtfulness is eliminated, what is left?

Of course she knows that the real answer is getting stuff one wants and having other people pay for it. But as a rough reciprocity is required, no one should come out ahead.

Some people solve this by making charitable donations in one another's names, instead, but that, too, is something people should make their own choices about and do themselves, not to mention for which they should get the tax credit.

Until we succeed in making people understand the value and meaning of giving presents, Miss Manners suggests that you nudge them toward a minimal amount of thoughtfulness by listing "A book, DVD or CD that you think I might enjoy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We just moved to a very small town, away from all of our family and friends. Due to a back injury, I am unable to cook Christmas dinner.

Would it be inappropriate to post on Facebook a request for an invite to spend Christmas with somebody local? It is just my husband and I. If that is OK to do, what would be an appropriate manner to phrase the request?

GENTLE READER: While kindly souls may be grateful for the chance to take in the destitute at Christmastime, Miss Manners has the impression that you do not qualify. And advertising that you would merely like to be invited out is a bit crass.

What you could do is to see whether there are any community organizations that do serve Christmas dinners to those in need, and ask whether there is any help you can offer that would not strain your back. At the least, you will have made overtures to local people who may invite you next year.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance has a skull collection and has found a bride/groom skull set he would like to use as our wedding cake topper.

I am unopposed to this and see humor in it. My mother feels this is very inappropriate and might offend some guests. I would like to support my fiance and not allow my mother to intrude on our wedding planning, but I am unsure if indeed this is rude, and if I should take my mother's advice.

GENTLE READER: Aside from the disturbing symbolism of a dead couple on a wedding cake, who wants to eat cake with bones in it?

Miss Manners is as appalled by this as she is by the idea that your mother shouldn't have any say in "your" wedding. Your mother is correct in thinking that this will upset guests and will hardly be worth whatever humor you might find in it. Be assured that there will be many ways to support your prospective husband that you need not make public. Start applying them now.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to mention in a Christmas note with a card that your husband left? Some people I will be sending cards to do not know and will wonder why just one signature.

GENTLE READER? Suppose you received a card saying, "Merry Christmas, my husband left me"? What would you reply?

Miss Manners would have thought that social media postings had eliminated the impulse to fold sad announcements into holiday greetings. Those to whom you are close can be told in a letter or telephone call.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While gift registries may never be "proper," they are a necessity in today's world.

I had a relative who lives far away from me, who neglected to have a bridal registry. She ended up having to make one at the last minute to alleviate the burden of her and her husband-to-be's parents having to field many questions from attendees. They ended up having to start an informal list of what the folks who called in said they were bringing, because these attendees did not want their gift duplicated!

Additionally, it made it easier for me to attend. I was able to order the (large) gift in advance and have it wrapped and waiting on hold for me to pick it up when I got to my destination. All I needed to pack was my handwritten gift card.

It also makes it easier and more economical for the gift giver who is not able to attend. Most registries offer free shipping and free gift wrap. In today's day, when often the events are far from even the hometowns of the recipients, gift registries are important.

GENTLE READER: Sorry, but you are not going to win this argument with Miss Manners, especially when the particular solution you describe (minus the registry) is actually more correct. Having a gift wrapped and sent in advance is the proper way to send wedding gifts and conveniently easier for both the long-distance traveler and the bride who doesn't want to lug home gifts after her wedding.

Miss Manners hopes that she is not the first to inform you that most stores -- actual and virtual -- will ship their merchandise, no registry necessary. And if there are duplicate presents, the bride can always return them.

Now wasn't that easy?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece (23 years old) regularly texts during movies. When I was at a movie with her and my partner, I asked her not to text during the movie because it would upset my partner. She said OK and did not text.

My niece later told us that her boyfriend suspected her of cheating on him because she said she was at the movie with her "aunt" but wasn't texting.

In having this discussion, my partner said texting in a theater is rude, period, and went on about it. In my opinion, it is rude to call someone rude to their face. Do you think my partner was rude by calling my niece rude?

GENTLE READER: Yes, and doubly so since your niece did not, at your request, text during the movie you attended together. Miss Manners notes that you, your partner, your niece and your niece's boyfriend are all in agreement that there are some activities that should not be interrupted by texting. We are simply disagreeing over what those are.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have friends who got engaged about a month ago. They refer to each other as fiancee and fiance, even though I clearly know they are engaged. They don't use their names even to close friends since their engagement.

I would understand if they were a young couple or on first marriages, but this is her third and his second marriage and they are in their 50s. It's just kind of annoying. I am happy for them, but I am wondering if this is a common or accepted practice.

GENTLE READER: As you are already happy for your friends, what would you have them do to make you even happier? Refrain from reveling in their new tie, on the grounds that they are too old or maritally experienced?

Of course there is reveling and reveling. It would be understandable to be annoyed by a couple who behaved in your presence as if they were alone. But to object to their use of the correct formal terms strikes Miss Manners as churlish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a close friend die unexpectedly and my daughter sent me a text to notify me. I was upset at the news and with the way it was delivered.

I told my daughter this, but she said that is how her generation does things.

GENTLE READER: It may be, but your concern is with what your daughter should have done, not with what her contemporaries are doing.

News of the death of someone dear to you should not be delivered casually, which is more easily accomplished in some technologies than in others. Assuming that your daughter knew you could be reached more quickly through a text -- and that you would want to hear the news as soon as possible -- Miss Manners would still have advised her to text you that she has urgent news, asking you to call.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)