DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been an active practicing RN for 37 years, from hospitals to home health. It never fails that at some point, my employer wants me to act like someone I am not.

Granted that I have toned it down substantially over the years, but I have never been a sweet, demure, public relations-type person. I am more of a down-to-earth, tell-it-like-it-is, realistic, logical-type person. I am not going to promise something that I personally cannot deliver, and I am not going to lie to a person just to appease them.

I am not brutal, but I do tend to be blunt if that is the only way to get the message across after softer attempts do not seem to be getting through. I say that people cannot claim they did not understand what I was trying to tell or teach them (whether they accept it or not is not the issue).

How do I get my employer to understand that I think it is unrealistic to expect me to appeal to all the people, all the time?

GENTLE READER: It does not appear to Miss Manners that your problem is making your employer understand your position, but rather convincing him that it is acceptable. This will be easier to do if you are being blunt about insisting that patients take their medication rather than about telling them that you are too busy to bring it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While helping a friend move from one apartment to another, I accidentally dropped a box marked "fragile." It turns out that I broke a decanter that cost more than $500 (most of her belongings are not nearly this expensive).

My friend has asked me to reimburse her for half the price. I appreciate that she's trying to "meet me halfway" by covering half the cost herself, and I feel terrible, but I can't afford to spend $250 right now. I also think that she should have had such an expensive item insured.

I was just trying to help her (at her own request), and now I'm afraid that I'm going to ruin the friendship. Does etiquette dictate that I must pay for all or part of such an expensive item?

GENTLE READER: It is always gracious for guests to offer to replace any property that they damaged -- and for hosts to demur, knowing that a reasonable amount of damage is part of the cost of entertaining.

In this case, you were acting, in effect, as an employee, rather than a guest, even though your reason for doing so was for the sake of friendship, not pay. And breakage is also part of the cost of doing business. That is why employers carry insurance. Had you injured yourself as a result of the work you were asked to do, Miss Manners hopes that your friend would have stepped in to defray any reasonable associated medical costs.

How this will affect your friendship, Miss Manners cannot say. That your friend calculated the cost of her property without allowing for the donation of your labor is not a good sign.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was addressing an informal talk to a mixed-gender group of seniors. Later, one of the ladies pulled me aside and gently explained that women of her generation did not care to be addressed as "guys," even in a group (as in, "You guys may be familiar with ...").

That is the only time I have heard any hint that this was a widely held preference. Was this lady overly sensitive, or should I be mindful to avoid the term when referring to a mixed-gender group?

GENTLE READER: Did you miss the entire era when names of occupations were changed ("firemen" to "firefighters," "stewardess" to "flight attendant") to reflect the reality of including both genders?

Apparently a great many people did, because it was later that the slangy term "you guys" began to be used, not only for mixed groups, but for groups that were entirely female.

Members of your audience did not. They may have been personally involved in the struggle to convince people of what nonsense it was to believe that ladies should assume they are automatically included in a strictly masculine term. Presumably ladies never considered the word "Gentlemen" on a door to be an invitation to enter.

Miss Manners thoroughly agrees with your audience that "you guys" is offensive. "Ladies and gentlemen" is the proper way to address any mixed audience.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had some deaths in the family, and it occurred to me that while I know something about how to dress when in mourning, I don't know what jewelry is appropriate.

I've read about onyx or jet jewelry, and I'm guessing that the rule about pearls being generally acceptable is still followed. I wore pearls (necklace, earrings and bracelet) to my grandmother's funeral, and a pair of simple pearl stud earrings to the (much sadder) funeral of my infant nephew.

In some cases it hardly seems appropriate to wear any jewelry, but since I don't wear makeup, putting in a pair of earrings is sort of my "dressed to leave the house" thing, and I would feel a bit odd without them. However, if I am informed that no jewelry is appropriate, I will abide by Miss Manners' dictates.

GENTLE READER: Showing respect symbolically by dressing somberly for a funeral is so rare these days that the general rule about not appearing flashy is barely remembered. And the specifics of mourning jewelry are known chiefly to collectors of Victoriana.

In periods that prescribed elaborate mourning, some jewelry was permitted, but there were complicated formulas that depended on the relationship to the deceased and the amount of time that had passed since the death. Nowadays, pearls, jet or onyx would be the correct jewelry to wear at a funeral.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister always brings her own containers to functions where food is served so she can take home leftovers, and not have to worry about being responsible for borrowed ones from the host.

I find this tacky, almost like she expects people to always give her a "doggy bag." What are your thoughts on people bringing their own containers for leftovers to gatherings?

GENTLE READER: About the same as if they brought begging bowls.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am out of the loop. I am not on Facebook and have no desire to be.

However, I have found I am missing out on a few things -- in particular, invitations to parties and thank-you notes from parties I have attended.

On too many occasions, I have been questioned by friends why I missed get-togethers or parties. "I posted it on Facebook! Didn't you see it?"

"No," I answer and remind them that I not on Facebook.

The people are horrified. How can you miss out on so much??

The one that really bothers me is the blanket thank-you on Facebook. My daughter is 12 and attends a number of birthday parties. The moms feel it is perfectly acceptable to say thank you for the gifts on Facebook and be done with it. (I insist my children write their own thank-you notes to the friends, but obviously that is very outdated!)

Am I being unreasonable and overly sensitive? I guess I want to know a nice way to ask friends to include me but NOT through Facebook, and maybe send out a gentle reminder that not everyone sits in front of their computer and documents their life! (Oh, that was fresh! Sorry!)

GENTLE READER: No apology is necessary. Miss Manners is sympathetic and even in agreement with you, but let's keep that between ourselves.

Facebook enthusiasts are not going to be convinced that there are other means of communication -- or understand why you wouldn't want to be a part of this oh-so-convenient one. Especially since it has the added benefit of enabling one to document and broadcast one's every sneeze.

Although the phenomenon is not likely to end soon, perhaps a new and revolutionary trend will be ignited by polite people like us who still insist upon written invitations and thank-you letters. Unfortunately, no matter by what means and however justified, you still cannot invite yourself to parties. Continue to remind a few good friends that you are not on Facebook and gently suggest that they could let you know by more personal means when they would like you to be their guest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For many years, I have been receiving personal correspondence without the Mr. or Mrs. in front of our names on the envelope with the address.

At first, I attributed it to young writers who simply did not know better. Now, friends in my over-60 age group are also doing this.

Is a title before a name in correspondence not considered important anymore? I see it as a sign of proper respect. Or am I outdated?

GENTLE READER: This is an example -- and there are many -- of forms of respect having been sabotaged by the very people who were being treated with respect.

When etiquette generously offered a choice of female titles -- Miss, Mrs. or Ms., all abbreviations for the same once-respectable honorific Mistress -- the intent was to make everyone happy. Instead, it seemed that everyone begrudged everyone else having a choice.

Both traditionalists and modernists began using the forms they deemed right, ignoring the preferences of others. And both took insult when people who did not mean to push an agenda but were unaware of others' preferences chose the wrong title. Therefore, many people have given up on showing respect to the unappreciative, and just use the bluntly unadorned names. When courtesy is vilified, everyone loses.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)