DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is to be a bridesmaid for a bride who is buying everyone shapewear, which they are expected to wear, and her mother is buying everyone "a good bra."

This seems to me to be a bit excessive, but as a woman in her seventh decade of life, perhaps I am just behind the times. How might one best handle this expectation?

GENTLE READER: If only Miss Manners could assume that members of the wedding party weren't going to be checked, airport security-style, to see if they were wearing the issued undergarments, you would be right up with the times. Airports are now banishing these invasive X-rays. Unfortunately, bridal dictators do not inspire such confidence.

Still, if your daughter does not want to wear the underwear, she needn't. If asked why not, she can simply say she tried it, it was uncomfortable, and she is happy to offer it back -- only slightly used.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there an acceptable way for a gentleman to introduce himself to a lady whose acquaintance he wishes to make, in a public place like a museum, store, bar or restaurant?

GENTLE READER: You mean other than by social media, hook-up apps and offensive one-liners?

Miss Manners commends you on your desire to forgo these regrettable practices and indeed prove yourself to be a gentleman.

As you seem to frequent interesting places, you could endeavor to strike up a conversation that relates to them -- an opinion or a recommendation -- and see where it leads. Just please be aware of social cues indicating absence of interest or of a mate. It occurs to Miss Manners that unwanted attention and lack of social graces are likely what have made the other methods so prevalent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two days ago, my brother-in-law's sister, whom I have spent only a small amount of time with, gave birth to twins, one of whom died in childbirth. I cannot imagine the grief felt by her and her family.

Normally, I would send a sympathy card for a death and a congratulatory card for the birth, but to do so in this case does not feel right. Sending one and not the other ignores one of the events, yet doing nothing also seems wrong.

What should I do? I am wondering if a sympathy card now and a congratulatory card later would be OK?

GENTLE READER: The parents are only too aware of their situation and the deeply conflicting emotions it brings. While Miss Manners sympathizes with your dilemma, she assures you that separating the letters will not make them more likely to forget either occurrence.

A sympathetic acknowledgment of the two events should be stated as simply as possible. "I am so excited about the arrival of the new baby, although terribly sorry for your loss. I look forward to meeting the little one as soon as you are ready for visitors."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have several very overweight friends whom we often entertain in our home. We have been friends for more than 40 years, and numerous times they have broken the frames of our sofas and have also have broken chairs.

One friend in particular comes over quite often to watch sports games. He is probably 300-plus pounds and tends to just plop down hard onto our furniture.

What can we do or say to our heavy friends? We just replaced our sofas, AGAIN.

GENTLE READER: Your 300-pound friend is aware of his effect on furniture, and Miss Manners assures you that he takes no more pleasure in hearing a couch support snap under him than you do in making repairs.

Guide him to a chair that will support his weight with the explanation that you are sure he will be comfortable there. If you don't possess such a chair, buying one has to be cheaper than continuing to replace sofas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequent a coffee shop that has an extremely heavy door. I make a point of opening it or holding it open for others.

At times there'll be a large group of women that I've held the door open for, and a long line inside the coffee shop. I've opened the door and held it open for, at times, four or five women.

This always puts me at the back of the line. Never once has a group of women asked me to go in front of them after holding the door open for them. On the other hand, most times if I hold the door open for one or more men, they almost always ask me to go in front of them. What is the etiquette here? And by holding the door open, do I assume that I should be in the back of the line?

GENTLE READER: Let us not jump to prejudicial conclusions here, as the difference in behavior might have more to do with number than gender.

If there are four or five ladies, the first of them will already be in line waiting for the others, who would all have to agree to move aside. But the gentlemen you cite do not seem to travel in groups, and thus would be approaching the line more or less the same time as you.

Still, it would be gracious for everyone to reciprocate by allowing you to go first in line. But any time you hold the door for another person, you are putting yourself at the back of some line, be it for the stairs, the elevator or getting to the office sooner. Miss Manners takes comfort in the belief that there is a more important, if less immediate, reward in behaving well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an employee who answers my phones. She finds it easy to involve herself in all of my conversations with other people. I almost never can answer a question in my conversations because she takes over. I don't want her to be disgruntled. I just need a way to make her stop.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette sometimes requires subtlety or indirection. This is not one of those times.

You are the boss. Miss Manners suggests you tell your employee in a respectful but clear and decisive manner what you expect of her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother was from the South, and accordingly she impressed upon me the fine art of entertaining guests in one's home. I love to cook, and I truly prefer to cook dinner for friends over meeting at a restaurant.

My problem is that, invariably, every guest feels that an invitation for 6:30 can mean 6:45 or 7 p.m. This literally happens over and over again. What I don't understand is that people never do this to a restaurant.

Right now I am sitting at my computer at 6:47 waiting for a guest who was supposed to be here at 6:30; she texted me at 6:25 saying she was just leaving her home, and from her latest message, she is still another 12 to 15 minutes away. Needless to say, the dinner is completely overcooked.

What should I say when inviting guests to dinner? Should I ask people to call an hour in advance if they know they will be late? Should I only cook food that can sit in the oven for an additional hour without being ruined? Give up inviting people to our home?

I would think it was a not-so-subtle commentary on the quality of my cooking if I didn't get besieged with requests for my recipes.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is loath to question the hopes of Southern mothers, good cooks and hospitable hosts, and she lacks sympathy with tardy guests.

But you sound in need of a drink.

It doesn't have to be alcohol, and you don't even have to drink it yourself. But you could save yourself angst by providing the usual half-hour in which those who arrive on time are served drinks and small nibbles.

Now please stop tearing your hair out; it might get into your beautifully cooked food. Miss Manners is not absolving the latecomers; she is going to teach you to retrain them.

When you issue invitations for 6:30, you should add, "We will be sitting down to dinner promptly at 7." Not only will this warn the stragglers, but it will relieve those who time their arrivals to avoid the endless cocktail hours to which other hosts have subjected them.

You will have timed your food accordingly and should serve it at the announced time. Guests who arrive later should be seated then, and told graciously, "I knew you would want us to go ahead."

Lest you feel rude about doing this, Miss Manners assures you that there is distinguished precedent for this. That Southern gentleman George Washington insisted that official dinners over which he presided would be served at the announced time, explaining that delay would upset the cook. In your case, you know that to be true.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother passed away recently, and my brother, my sister and I miss her terribly. It is amazing to me the number of people who ask me if she "left us anything" -- referring to any inheritance. What's a polite response that will let people know they are out of line?

GENTLE READER: "She left us orphaned."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)