DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I dine at a restaurant, if the waiter does not give us his name upon greeting us, my husband will ask for it. My husband then proceeds to introduce us to the waiter, saying, "I'm Joe, and this is Jane."

I find this to be incredibly awkward and even patronizing. It seems unnecessary for the waiter to know our names, as we are not trying to make friends. We're always friendly to wait staff and we tip well, but we're ultimately just at the restaurant to enjoy a meal.

Am I wrong -- is this introduction proper or appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Not unless your husband intends to invite the waiter to share your meal, in which case Miss Manners wonders who will bring the food.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I (female, professional) volunteered as a coat-check person for an auction fundraiser for a not-for-profit group. Was it appropriate for me to offer to help people put their coats on after I retrieved them?

When my "customers" were a couple (man and woman), I'd offer the obviously feminine coat to the man to allow him to help the lady with her coat.

Rarely did he seem happy to take it. One man said, "Nope! That's HER coat."

Was I wrong to give the women's coats to the men? The event was formal, "black tie."

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners understands the confusion of the gentleman who is handed a stole while you retain his wool overcoat. Surrender both coats to the person who asked for them. A gentleman who has the courtesy to help a lady on with her coat no doubt has the dexterity to juggle his own coat while doing so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Nineteen years ago, I moved out of my shared apartment into a studio. At the time I had a buffet/sideboard that did not fit in my new apartment. Some newly married friends offered to take it.

I don't see these friends but once a year, as we now live around 50 miles apart, but we remain on friendly terms. A number of years ago I did see the sideboard in their dining room and noticed that they had refinished it. Though I have no immediate need for it now, it does match my dining room table and it belonged to my great-aunt Mary. How do I bring up the topic of my sideboard and that I want it back, if not now, eventually?

GENTLE READER: Your description of what happened 19 years ago is hazy on who said what -- as, no doubt, is your friends' memory. Unfortunately, it matters who said what at the time.

You can call in a loan, but you cannot politely request the return of a present. Assuming, however, that it was clearly understood by both parties as a temporary loan, you may remind them of the original agreement. Miss Manners suggests you also express your gratitude for their extended generosity and offer to pay for the refinishing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Up until about a year ago, I habitually self-injured. I was able to work through my problems and cut out the habit, but I am left with a number of scars on my legs. They are visible from a distance and clearly (at least to anyone even marginally aware of the nature of accidents) deliberately inflicted.

It's usually not a social problem, as regular pants cover them nicely. But when I wear shorts or skirts, people (friends, acquaintances and strangers) ask about them, or worse, simply point them out. This is usually in casual conversation, often in a group.

The people with whom I am comfortable openly discussing this are already aware of my situation. I realize that others are trying to show concern, but even if I responded honestly, it's probably not a conversation they actually want to have.

I usually get flustered and make a lame excuse or change the subject. What would be a good way to casually discourage additional conversation on the topic without getting flustered or killing the mood?

GENTLE READER: "I walked into a lawn mower." Or perhaps, "I really have to buy a better shredder." Or whatever else occurs to you that is outrageous enough to make it clear that you are joking.

The dense may have follow-up questions, to which you should reply firmly, "Thank you for your interest, but I'm fine now." Notice that Miss Manners calls it "interest," not "concern." As old scars would show that you are not in immediate danger, those inquiries are not compassionate but merely nosy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have made friends with another couple from church and we've invited them over for dinner a few times. Each time they've come over, we have cooked traditional Italian meals and dessert.

They have reciprocated by inviting us over to their place, where they have provided ordered-in food. These meals are not cheap, I'm sure, and I'm torn as to whether my husband and I should offer to pay for our portion of food.

We always offer to bring a bottle of wine or dessert, but is that enough? On one hand I'd hate for them to feel taken advantage of, but on the other I feel as though we alternate pretty fairly with who furnishes the meal.

GENTLE READER: In this Age of Greed, it is difficult to understand that giving money can be an insult.

Miss Manners knows you mean well, but paying your friends would tell them that you noticed that while you provided a home-cooked meal, they did not, and that they should not imagine that they have reciprocated, because you are paying your own way.

Your better thought is that what is important here is hospitality, not the food or what it cost.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct thing to do if you are to attend a baby shower, but then you have a funeral for a family member (a not-close in-law) happen at the same time? Attend the already RSVP'd shower or the funeral?

GENTLE READER: The funeral. Miss Manners recognizes few excuses for canceling a social commitment, but death is a legitimate excuse. No one will think you have abandoned the shower for something that promises more fun.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the other woman in the life of a man I am seeing, and I want to be the first woman.

He seems to like us equally and to be indifferent as to which woman occupies which position. He and I went out on our first date at a time when he and she weren't getting along and he thought they were going to break up. So he went out with me, and here we are.

How do I get her out of the way?

GENTLE READER: Other than hiring a hit man? Miss Manners is many things, but she assures you she is not that.

Why you would want to be with a man who has shown such lack of discrimination in his romantic attachments is beyond her. Apparently it has not occurred to you that if you were able to eliminate your rival, you would create a job opening.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every couple of weeks, one of a group of girls at my school asks me, "Why do you hate me?"

Normally, I would simply ignore this and get on with my life, but they have asked me multiple times. I sit with them (chance, not choice) in a table of four in a math class, and they are all close friends.

I do my best to be polite to them. I say hello, goodbye, and ask them how their day is. I also do my best to answer any questions they ask me. I do very well in the class, but I sometimes do not know how to explain a concept.

I also refuse to help them cheat on tests. After one occasion, they told me that the test was "a group effort." I managed to move to another seat, but the incident still bothers me.

Is there any point at which I can stop trying to assist and be polite? I tried for four or five months, and they never stopped being rude to me, and often asked me why I hated them. What would be the best way to behave in this type of situation?

GENTLE READER: To say, "I don't hate you, but I can't help you the way you want. If that's a condition of friendship, I'm sorry."

Miss Manners suggests that you then continue to take tests in the seat farthest away from them -- and closest to the teacher.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are blessed with wonderful friends and family who celebrated our wedding with us. We've been finishing up thank-you cards for those who sent presents.

I'd also like to thank those who just attended, even if they did not give any physical gifts. Would it be proper to send a heartfelt thank-you card for their presence and support?

We didn't ask for, nor expect, presents, and felt that our guests' attendance was present enough.

GENTLE READER: It pains Miss Manners to discourage heartfelt letters of thanks, which have become as rare as people who do not ask for presents. It is not surprising to hear that you have wonderful friends.

But this is not a good idea. It reverses the usual direction of thanks between guests and hosts, and may be taken -- as less kindly brides have used it -- as a reminder to come across with the goods.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)