DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am about to complete 14 years of medical training and graduate as a oncology physician. I am female, with a generally open, warm manner, and can usually handle a wide variety of social situations.

However, when I meet new people outside of work, and they ask what I do, I occasionally answer truthfully.

This too often results in unsolicited commentary that is at best embarrassing ("You're an angel! How do you do it? Isn't that SO SAD?"), and at worst a complete occasion-destroyer when people launch into their own, again unsolicited, health history, or the tragic history of a friend or family member. Or the conversation immediately devolves into a heated debate (between others) on the state of our health care system, or conspiracy theories about how "the cure is out there" but being kept from them.

I have tried answering less-than-truthfully ("I work in health care"), which can end in guessing games and draw out the conversation unnecessarily. How do I avoid being a cocktail party conversation killer?

GENTLE READER: Whatever is said about your profession, your response should be, "Well, it's the kind of job that makes you grateful to get away among friends and talk about something else."

Miss Manners trusts that you will say this with a smile. You can then turn to someone else and say, "I imagine you feel the same way about your work."

It doesn't matter what that person's job is, because nowadays people consider it a disgrace to admit that they are not stressed. So the conversation will go on from there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Occasionally I enjoy entertaining friends by inviting them to a dinner party at my home, where I prepare the food. When I invited a somewhat new friend and his spouse to such a dinner, they accepted readily.

However, I was surprised when he called a little more than one day before the dinner to inquire about the menu. I felt this was a little odd (unless a guest has issues with particular foods, but I'd already asked about this). Basically, I was told that my planned menu simply wouldn't do, as they would not care for anything I had planned to serve.

I was completely taken aback by this declaration. Uncertain what to do, I discussed alternatives with him and completely revised my menu, although I'd already purchased most of the planned ingredients and now had to go shopping once again.

They arrived late for the dinner and left before dessert was served because they had planned to visit a nearby ice cream emporium on the way home (implying, I suppose, that nothing I might have prepared would equal a commercial dessert).

Needless to say, I am not eager to invite them again. However, I would like your opinion as to how I should have reacted when the call was made to discuss the menu.

GENTLE READER: In effect, these people rejected your invitation, which was to attend a dinner you planned, not to order from you as if from a restaurant.

So Miss Manners would have advised you to accept that graciously, saying, "Well, I'm sorry my dinner won't be suitable for you. Perhaps some other time ..." The unspoken end of the second sentence would be "... I'll have better luck with my guests."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My third-grade child has a "best friend" who often tries to get my child in trouble, physically injure my child or break things out of jealousy. If it weren't for the fact that the "best friend's" parents are almost the only friends my husband and I have, I would end this friendship of my child's without blinking. They've come to be like family to me (we moved here just a little while ago, and my husband is an introvert and I'm a stay-at-home mother, so I don't get a lot of interaction with other adults).

The mother tries to reason with her child and threatens punishments that never occur. The father wants to correct/punish his child, but the mother stops him, and he gives in.

"They're just children" is the response I get when I protest or point out ugly behaviors.

My husband thinks their child is a sociopath. During play dates or get-togethers, I now make them stay within eyesight, and I've taken to correcting behavior and even separating them into different areas of the room.

Our child has been raised to be considerate, helpful and honest. People even stop us in public places to compliment us on how well-behaved our child is -- our friends included. The father has even expressed a wish his child was like ours.

We love the parents, but dislike their child and their method of raising him. Is there any way to fix these problems without losing the friendship of the parents, or should we just cut ties?

GENTLE READER: Ask your son.

Miss Manners assures you that this is not always her method of solving adult problems, but if your child is in third grade, he is old enough to make a decision about his own friendships -- and that could influence the way you make yours.

If your son genuinely wants to be best friends with the other boy, give him strategies and statements, such as, "I want to play with you, but not if you don't treat me and my things well."

However, if your son doesn't like the other boy, but feels that he must please him (or you), you can spare him the friendship without cutting off yours with the parents. Suggest that the parents all go out without the children -- share a (strict, no-nonsense) baby sitter -- or come up with other creative ways to keep it just adults (have just the women or men take turns going out alone).

It should be easy enough to convince those parents that you all could use a child-free night.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I tactfully inform a co-worker, without offending her, that her choice in penciling-in her eyebrows is unattractive and not very "normal"?

GENTLE READER: You wait patiently until she says to you, "What do you think of my eyebrows? Should I not pencil them in like this?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems that when a person's betrothed (or new spouse) is introduced to their friends and family, someone often feels the need to threaten the new addition about what will happen if they ever hurt the other person.

I realize that people probably intend to show how much they care about a friend or relative. But to me, it seems one should at least assume that the person could select a good partner.

Is it really necessary or acceptable to bring up the possibility of "If you ever hurt him/her ..."? How should these remarks be handled?

GENTLE READER: Two justifications are given in defense of such behavior: that it shows the person "cares" -- and that it is meant in jest. Miss Manners is willing to assume the former.

As to the latter, not only do the recipients not find this approach amusing; they are likely to remember it for years to come.

Look the speaker in the eye and, with a knowing demeanor, explain that the remark exactly mirrors how you feel about anyone who would hurt your betrothed. If you deliver it properly, the relative will spend the rest of the evening wondering what your intended has told you about him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've invited several friends to a holiday dinner. One couple has responded (by email) that they may not be able to come because their cat is very sick. It sounds like they will probably end up staying home with the cat, but they also want to leave their options open until the last minute.

I'd like to invite another couple in their stead. (I'm limited in how many I can invite by the size of my dining table.) Is there a gentle way to convey this when I respond to their email?

GENTLE READER: There is nothing wrong with shutting the door into which your guest has inserted his metaphorical foot. Miss Manners appreciates that doing so will be less painful for both parties than if it were a real door.

Email your friends that you completely understand, adding that of course they will want to be home with poor kitty. You are so sorry that they will not be able to attend, and you look forward to rescheduling.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love to light candles throughout my home to create a warm and cozy atmosphere. I do this all the time, whether or not I am expecting guests.

Several times now, I have noticed some of the candles blown out or snuffed out using the jar lid. Usually, it is the candle in the guest room and the main bathroom.

This irritates me because I like the candles lit. Is it appropriate for the guests to blow them out?

GENTLE READER: A guest room is understood to be reasonably at the disposition of the guest. Repositioning a chair to facilitate reading or opening a suitcase is acceptable. Putting nails in the wall to hang a picture is not.

Miss Manners agrees with your guest that dousing candles falls into the former category. Such license would not extend to the rest of the host's home -- in this case, the master bathroom -- unless necessary to prevent a fire.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)