DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems that when a person's betrothed (or new spouse) is introduced to their friends and family, someone often feels the need to threaten the new addition about what will happen if they ever hurt the other person.

I realize that people probably intend to show how much they care about a friend or relative. But to me, it seems one should at least assume that the person could select a good partner.

Is it really necessary or acceptable to bring up the possibility of "If you ever hurt him/her ..."? How should these remarks be handled?

GENTLE READER: Two justifications are given in defense of such behavior: that it shows the person "cares" -- and that it is meant in jest. Miss Manners is willing to assume the former.

As to the latter, not only do the recipients not find this approach amusing; they are likely to remember it for years to come.

Look the speaker in the eye and, with a knowing demeanor, explain that the remark exactly mirrors how you feel about anyone who would hurt your betrothed. If you deliver it properly, the relative will spend the rest of the evening wondering what your intended has told you about him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've invited several friends to a holiday dinner. One couple has responded (by email) that they may not be able to come because their cat is very sick. It sounds like they will probably end up staying home with the cat, but they also want to leave their options open until the last minute.

I'd like to invite another couple in their stead. (I'm limited in how many I can invite by the size of my dining table.) Is there a gentle way to convey this when I respond to their email?

GENTLE READER: There is nothing wrong with shutting the door into which your guest has inserted his metaphorical foot. Miss Manners appreciates that doing so will be less painful for both parties than if it were a real door.

Email your friends that you completely understand, adding that of course they will want to be home with poor kitty. You are so sorry that they will not be able to attend, and you look forward to rescheduling.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love to light candles throughout my home to create a warm and cozy atmosphere. I do this all the time, whether or not I am expecting guests.

Several times now, I have noticed some of the candles blown out or snuffed out using the jar lid. Usually, it is the candle in the guest room and the main bathroom.

This irritates me because I like the candles lit. Is it appropriate for the guests to blow them out?

GENTLE READER: A guest room is understood to be reasonably at the disposition of the guest. Repositioning a chair to facilitate reading or opening a suitcase is acceptable. Putting nails in the wall to hang a picture is not.

Miss Manners agrees with your guest that dousing candles falls into the former category. Such license would not extend to the rest of the host's home -- in this case, the master bathroom -- unless necessary to prevent a fire.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a two-dad family. At all of the schools our children have attended, we receive invitations to "Mom's Night Out" -- a social gathering for moms to discuss their own challenges, dreams, etc.

While I appreciate being included in the invitation, I am never quite sure whether and how to respond. Other people find it downright offensive.

I appreciate from the organizer's perspective that including us is better than excluding us; however, we are not moms, and in some ways it highlights the fact that our children are "different."

I certainly don't begrudge the moms a night out in good company, but wish we could develop some new language or expectations in an evolving world. Maybe the organizers of such gatherings could check with us -- we are still few in numbers -- to see if we want to be included in a public invitation.

Maybe we should just respond -- as I did once -- that we appreciate the invitation, but there are no moms at our house and that we wish them a great night out. We look forward to your thoughts.

GENTLE READER: First, that they mean well and want to be inclusive, as you recognize. Second, that Primary Caregivers' Night Out is not a catchy name. If you can think of a better one, Miss Manners believes that the organizers would welcome the change.

But this is worth doing only if one of you genuinely wants to participate. Are the mom's night activities something that you would enjoy? Alternatively, are there enough stay-at-home fathers, whether or not they are same-sex parents, to start a Dad's Night Out group?

Otherwise, your response makes your point politely, and might inspire the mothers to ponder updating the group's name.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When wearing a suit with braces, should you wear a belt for a nighttime wedding reception?

GENTLE READER: As belts and braces (also known as suspenders) serve the same purpose, namely holding up your trousers, Miss Manners would think that wearing them together would give the impression of insecurity.

However, if you have reason to be insecure, she would prefer safety over risk.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a new friend who shares a remarkable resemblance to a famous movie actress. Others agree with my observation, and I would really like to tell this to her as a huge compliment. We are both straight and married, so it wouldn't be taken the wrong way in that sense.

However, how do I go about telling a relatively new friend this information without making it awkward for her? Most agree that the actress is beautiful, but one can never be sure if another is entirely of the same opinion.

GENTLE READER: If the resemblance is really remarkable, you may be sure that people have remarked upon it before. Whether your new friend finds this flattering or tiresome or both, Miss Manners cannot say.

The way to find out is to deliver the usual opening, "Has anyone ever told you that ..." Then, if you see a tired little smile, continue by saying that you have heard that the actress "has complained that people keep mistaking her for you."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a picky eater. I like some foods; I hate some foods; some foods make me sick even to consider eating. I am an adult and eat what I like.

I have been trying new things and learning about cooking to try to change my tastes, but change is slow.

My problem comes with my family. They are constantly harassing me about what I do and don't eat. When we plan meals together, it is always, "what are you going to eat?"

I am never rude (in my opinion) when people make things I do not like, but it seems as though they still expect me to eat it, or give them a valid excuse (and not liking a food doesn't count).

My mother-in-law once made a breakfast meal, put everything on the table and said, "Well, there must be something here you can eat." She has gone so far into being insulted that one Thanksgiving she told me she wanted me to put a little bit of all the food on my plate and move it around, pretending that I ate some (which I feel is just wasteful and disingenuous).

I just want to be left alone. Why can't I be allowed to decline food, for whatever reason, and not be made to feel bad or have it pointed out that it is yet another thing I don't like?

GENTLE READER: You are. In polite society, no one is supposed to notice what is or is not eaten. It should not be the subject of conversation at all.

But we are not talking about polite society; we are talking about family.

Miss Manners hopes that yours does not badger its guests, but is acting out of desperation to please you after repeated failed attempts. Still, you must make them stop.

First, you should be complimenting the dishes you do like. Then you could show off your new cooking skills by inviting them, or by bringing a dish to share -- as long as it is clear that you're not bringing it only for yourself, or as an alternative to what is offered.

The point is not to engage in defending your eating habits, but to appreciate their efforts and make some effort of your own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a man who is legally wed to another man. At the time of our wedding, I kept my surname on our marriage certificate, but after the Windsor decision in the Supreme Court, I legally changed my surname to my husband's.

In the past, when a woman changed her surname to her husband's, her birth surname became her "maiden name."

Is there a term to describe what my previous last name was? I ask because this came up in a genealogical discussion, and we were unsure if a term is in existence, or could be used or constructed to apply to men such as myself.

GENTLE READER: You have thoughtfully provided your own answer in the question, and Miss Manners thanks you for saving her the trouble. The designation "birth name" may be used by anyone of any gender who has changed names for any reason.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)