DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a death announcement says, "In lieu of flowers, the family suggests donations to XYZ charity" benefiting research into a cure for the disease that caused the death, what do you think of someone who sends flowers despite knowing of that request?

Albeit rooted in a supportive impulse, to me sending flowers seems to presume that the giver knows better than the family itself what will be most comforting, and also seems to be more about the giver than the recipient. No doubt the family is grateful for any expression of sympathy and has bigger things on their minds anyway, but as a contributor to a group effort, I found this somewhat wrongheaded.

GENTLE READER: Now that baby showers, births, birthdays, christenings, bar and bat mitzvahs, graduations, engagements, weddings, illnesses, recoveries and divorces have all become excuses for fundraising, Miss Manners had hoped that the impulse to collect would be sated before the funeral.

While she is reasonably confident that this is the case for the deceased, it does not appear to be so for the mourners.

The purpose of a funeral is to show respect for the deceased and sympathy for the living. While Miss Manners does not agree with the practice of soliciting, even for charities, on behalf of the deceased, she will refrain from leveling criticisms at such a difficult time. In return, she expects survivors who do so to refrain from criticizing those who chose to show their respect in other ways.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Email has always struck me as somewhere between actual letter-writing and conversation, and that has led to my dilemma.

Suppose I have emailed someone asking for information. He or she replies, providing the information. Should I send a reply, thanking the recipient?

On the one hand, it seems the proper thing to do. On the other hand, people often complain about the amount of email they receive, and it seems impolite to add to it. Does the answer change if the someone is a co-worker versus a social or familial acquaintance?

GENTLE READER: Complaining about the volume of one's email has become a national sport, but Miss Manners has noticed that using efficiency to justify rudeness long predates the digital age.

Thanking people is never impolite. Those who resent the small amount of time it takes to receive thanks should be grateful to have some relief from the barking tone email correspondence so often takes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last night, my neighbors were being very loud after midnight. I confronted them and asked them to please lower the volume.

My neighbor put his hand on my elbow to apologize, and I instinctively stepped back and told him not to touch me.

He seemed shocked by this. I know I should have handled it better, but I'm unsure as to how. What is the proper way to respond to such unwanted physical contact?

GENTLE READER: By all means, recoil. You may even scowl. Then apologize, explaining that you would not have reacted so strongly were you not exhausted from lack of sleep.

Miss Manners assures you that the memory of your initial physical reaction will discourage your neighbor from future touching, while the apology will prevent him from deciding that you are now even and he may therefore continue to play his music.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am looking for the correct answer to the following question: What happens if you are at a formal dinner and realize you are using the wrong piece of silverware for a given course?

GENTLE READER: You go on eating. Everyone else goes on eating and talking. Perhaps an alert server discreetly slips you a replacement. If not, you eat the next course with the utensil that you should have used for the previous one.

The only person upset by your problem is Miss Manners, and not because someone might confuse the flatware. That is a situation in which nobody gets hurt.

What bothers her is the suspicion that you were hoping to set Miss Manners up to declare that you would be scorned and drummed out of society -- thus enabling you to carry on about how shallow "society" and its rules are.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Next week we are hosting a fundraising gala for a charity whose founder is also a very prominent and successful businessman. There will be six people roasting him -- all in good fun and humor.

As there will also be a brief program about the non-profit organization, a silent auction, a live auction and a paddle auction in addition to the roast -- what is the appropriate response of the person being roasted at the end of the evening? A few comments and a brief rebuttal? An extensive addressing of each roaster's comments and a bit of one-upmanship? How long should his comments take?

GENTLE READER: Being roasted requires tenderness and submission to being chewed over. Ask any chicken or turkey. However well intended, it is not always, Miss Manners acknowledges, an enviable situation. But it must be accepted with grace.

So no, your target should offer neither a rebuttal nor counterattacks on the roasters. The humor that is chiefly expected of him is to take it all in good-natured fashion. His first duty is to laugh when others do.

In acknowledging their efforts, the tack he should take is that they really have his number, and he is grateful for their putting up with him anyway. If he can do this with wit and brevity -- your program hardly sounds brief -- all the better.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to ask to be in someone's wedding party, or is it OK? And does it make any difference if it is a young girl/child who is a family member?

Situation: Wedding plans are all set. Four weeks before the wedding, the uncle of the bride contacts her, saying his young daughter would like to know if she could be a bridesmaid or flower girl.

The bride is now feeling awkward and doesn't know how to respond. Bottom line is that she doesn't want another flower girl or bridesmaid, but the question of etiquette is also in debate.

GENTLE READER: It is true that one should not volunteer to be a wedding attendant; one should wait to be asked. But you are talking about a little girl, the bride's cousin, who is overexcited about the wedding. Don't you find a bit of mitigating charm in that?

The uncle would have been better advised to tell his daughter that being a wedding guest is itself an honor, and to divert her attention to what she will wear, how much she will enjoy the wedding cake, and so on. If he felt close enough to confess her wish to the bride, he should have apologetically explained her enthusiasm and merely asked if there were some tiny task she could do.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems like every time I turn around I am getting an invite from a friend to attend an in-home sales party. I personally despise these parties. I think the merchandise is overpriced, the products are not that great, and I cringe when I get the invite from a friend because I feel obligated to attend and buy something.

I put these parties up there with going to the ob/gyn.

I know this is a way for people to earn extra income and that times are tough with the economy, but I keep getting invited to these parties, and frankly, I don't want to get invited. Period.

How do I gently and kindly let people know that I appreciate the invite, and I think it's great they are starting a business of their own and I value their friendship, but I do not want any part of these, and to not include me in the future? I am running out of excuses not to attend, and some people just do not take the hint!

GENTLE READER: No excuses are necessary. Miss Manners assures you that there is no kind and gentle way to tell people that you approve of their choices in general, but do not care to socialize with them.

"I'm so sorry that I'm not going to be able to make it," is enough. To preserve the friendships, and incidentally to set a counter-example, you might invite them to visit you without having to bring their wallets.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went out on a first date with a woman (I'm a woman too) with whom I had shared a lively and interesting email correspondence for several days. We connected on a dating website, where she had a funny and well-written online profile.

When I arrived at the restaurant, I discovered that she was quite tall and more masculine-looking than she had appeared in her pictures. It was apparent to me that she was transgendered.

However, it seemed quite impolite of me to ask, for instance, when she was talking about her childhood, "So, you were a boy then, right?"

I was in enough doubt that I just kept looking for clues, pro and con, as the conversation went on. She finally told me and expressed some incredulity that I didn't know, as I had said a few things that implied the assumption that she was a girl since birth.

I think she was a bit offended, though I can't imagine for what. I would think that would be the sort of thing you'd put in your profile. What should I have said?

GENTLE READER: "I would have considered it rude to make any assumptions."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does it mean when a man gives you a single red rose?

GENTLE READER: If you are on television's "The Bachelor," Miss Manners understands it to mean that you are allowed to remain for another episode -- or marry him, depending on ratings and where they are in the season.

In real life, it is a romantic gesture, the deeper significance of which can surely be explained by the man himself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)