DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation from a friend of mine to spend the weekend at some property of hers. The caveat: We would be building her a house.

Granted, it is a "tiny house," and my friend is not the type of person to follow formal etiquette on functions, but this struck me as beyond the pale. I mentioned it offhandedly to my parents on a phone call, and they didn't see any problem, calling it a "barn-raiser."

Miss Manners, I feel as though no one should be asked to raise a barn for a woman with a master's degree.

Who's right, my parents or me? I do plan on declining, due to some health problems that prevent me from, uh, building a house.

GENTLE READER: When the barn-raiser was a recognized event, in 18th- and 19th-century rural communities, it was understood that the favor would later be returned.

Miss Manners fears that your friend has missed the importance of reciprocity. Perhaps she could limit her invitations to those who, while she was earning her degree, insisted on asking why she did not spend her time on something more practical. They could then enjoy a last laugh at her expense while she benefits from their more practical training.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the buffet line, what do you do when the person in line behind you is reaching in front of you to get food and pushing you along to get you to hurry?

GENTLE READER: Get out of the way.

Miss Manners knows how galling it is to allow the pushy to achieve their objectives. She will grant you a sweeping "After you, Alphonse" gesture as you move. But standing between rude people and their feed could be dangerous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman of appropriate weight for my height, definitely well within the normal range. This has been a consistent state of affairs for literally decades.

It is remarkable how often, upon running into people I have not seen in a while, they choose to comment on how much weight I have lost. The fact is I weigh what I did the last time our paths crossed.

Obviously I find this upsetting, as so many people are evidently running around with memories of a much larger me. My response tends to be, "No, I weigh exactly what I weighed last time I saw you -- but, for whatever reason, I tend to grow to quite astronomical proportions in people's memory once they take leave of me."

This is certainly not the best response to a comment I feel never should have been made.

GENTLE READER: You know that your weight has not changed in decades. Are you sure about that of every acquaintance?

Miss Manners suspects not. The people you describe have as little knowledge about your weight history as you do about theirs.

They are being rude, but they are trying, in their annoying way, to compliment you. Otherwise, would you not expect as many to think that you gained weight as that you lost it? Their comments call for a change of subject, rather than an answer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since my husband and I will be traveling from out of town to my cousin's wedding, we have also been invited to the rehearsal dinner at a country club with a dress code.

Although my husband would like to go and visit my family, he refuses to wear anything other than a T-shirt, jeans, boots and a sweatshirt. With that attire, he will neither be allowed into the country club nor will he be meeting the semi-formal standard of the wedding. He says that if he can't dress the way he wants, he will still come to the destination but skip the events, even though we will be in town only for those two days.

He feels that he should be accepted for who he is and not forced to pretend to be someone he is not. I know he will not compromise and put on a button-up shirt and slacks, but should he come at all?

I am trying to find a polite way to deal with the matter, preferably without upsetting the wedding party or my husband.

GENTLE READER: "Who he is" is someone who understands that the choice of clothing constitutes a symbolic system -- but who is willing to use it only to broadcast himself, even at the cost of symbolizing disrespect for others and for a ceremonial occasion.

Miss Manners does not envy you.

Certainly he should not try to storm the club in defiance of its rules. Whether your family would be polite enough to ignore this slight is something you should attempt to find out in advance.

Miss Manners cautions you against using your husband's rationale in explaining the situation to the hosts. They would interpret that to mean that he claims not to be pretentious, even though they are -- which, indeed, is what he does mean.

It is not the degree of formality that is at the core of this conflict; it is the implication about the hosts who choose the style of the occasion. The disrespect would be equally true of someone who attended a highly informal wedding deliberately dressed in formal clothes, thus implying, "I'm proper, even if you are not."

So the approach to take is that as much as he would like to attend the wedding, he feels that he should stay away because he will not be dressed for it. The response will be either to urge him to attend anyway -- or not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother passed away and had been married for only six months. My good friend sent my favorite flower to the service. I didn't even know she'd sent them until several days later.

If the flowers are from friends of different family members who don't know the deceased or the wife, should the widow keep them? Or should they go to the family member whose friend sent them?

GENTLE READER: Are you telling Miss Manners that you want to wrest some days-old flowers away from a bereaved bride?

The flowers were sent as a tribute to your late brother, even if the only connection to him was through you. Had they been meant as a condolence for you, they would have been directed to your home.

Your respect for your brother should be shown through kindness and sympathy to his widow. And if you can't manage that, at least refrain from making claims that exclude her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently called a friend of mine cute. She replied, in a very angry tone, "Women are not called cute. I am a grown woman."

I was shocked. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Apparently, since her irate response must have rendered her decidedly less cute.

Compliments are subjective, but should not be subjected to such scrutiny if they are kindly intended. If it happens again, Miss Manners advises you to look abashed and say, "I am so sorry. I meant it as a compliment," and refrain from any further ones until your friend learns how to accept them graciously.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely remove a shell from a crab salad from my mouth?

GENTLE READER: The general rule is that inedibles go out the way they went in -- the shell from crab salad should be deposited on the fork that brought it to your mouth.

The trick is to do it discreetly. Only if you needed to remove it from your throat would Miss Manners condone your making a scene.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)