DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I watch movies or read books from previous times, such as Jane Austen's stories, the characters always seem to know each other incredibly little before being engaged. A request to dance seems to be a declaration of love in itself.

Is this historically accurate? I understand these matters were probably often arranged, but what was the etiquette for those who were allowed a bit of wiggle room when choosing a future husband/wife? Did they really know each other so little before tying the knot?

GENTLE READER: Not so fast, please.

As Miss Manners recalls, Emma Woodhouse was already related to Mr. Knightley, who was her sister's brother-in-law and an intimate family friend. Fanny Price and Edmund Bertram were brought up together. Anne Elliot spent eight years pining for Captain Wentworth, the sweetheart of her teens. Even the impetuous Marianne Dashwood was slow in coming to appreciate and accept Colonel Brandon. And of course Elizabeth Bennet rejected Mr. Darcy, despite his fortune, until she understood his true nature.

It takes each of these heroines a volume to decide. So perhaps you are thinking of Miss Austen herself, who entered into a rash engagement, only to repent the following day.

This is not to say that courtship, if one can still call it that, was the same then as it is now. Marriage was almost the only respectable and (usually) tolerable career for ladies; so the sooner it was settled as a source of financial support, the better. Parental supervision was unabashed, and opportunities to meet strangers were limited. So the chances of marrying someone known to the family and not entirely unapproved were much greater than those of marrying an unknown dancing partner.

Still, human nature was recognizable. Indulgent fathers allowed their daughters to choose, within reason, and the daughters of dictatorial fathers knew how to drive them crazy until they were too worn down to hold out. Couples ran away together, strangers declared love at first sight, married people bolted, as the term was, early deaths facilitated serial marriage, and presumably everyone lived happily or unhappily ever after.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When talking to someone who is 10 to 14 time zones away from you, should you say, "Good morning," if it's your morning or his morning?

GENTLE READER: His. You already know that you are crossing a time zone. Miss Manners would imagine that someone who hasn't been up that long would have a hard time believing that a cheery "Good evening" wasn't coming from someone who was up all night.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I saw a friend's husband for the first time after her death, he looked like he was doing well. We spoke briefly about the weather, etc., and when the conversation paused, I mentioned how much I miss her. His face fell, and I felt terrible. Should I not have mentioned her at all?

GENTLE READER: People so often withhold offering condolences for fear of "reminding" the bereaved of their loss -- as if they could forget -- that Miss Manners hopes that she will not discourage you from that kindness.

But context is important. What you said was lovely and would be comforting if said privately. But if you were at a festive event, where the widower was making an early effort to re-enter social life, it could have jolted him.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in the 10th grade, and after moving to a new country, city and school, I was "taken in" by a group of other high-schoolers who seemed to think of me as their friend right away. They took me into their clique, so to speak.

However, as the weeks go on, I've noticed that they make continual sexist and racist jokes. I've asked them to stop -- as far as I know, in a polite way.

No one has stopped, though. I'm not sure if it's because I'm being too weak-willed or if my "friends" really don't care.

I've now come to the conclusion that it would be in my best interest to end these friendships (if that's what they really are). But I don't know how to tell them to leave me alone without offending anyone. What do you think I should do?

GENTLE READER: Make new friends. Just as it is easier to find a new job while you still have one, so will it be to find a better class of friends. Then you can ease your way out of the old friendships, citing an overtaxed schedule.

If you are feeling very brave, your older self would thank you for politely telling them that you have conflicting viewpoints. But Miss Manners is not impervious to the cruelty of teenagers and would forgive you if you didn't. That you drop the friendships should be enough to convey to others that you do not agree with their unbecoming prejudices.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a sister I love and a niece and nephew I adore. I love that the convenience and quality of mobile phone cameras are at the point where pictures of them are plentiful and aren't necessarily hampered by poor quality.

Unfortunately, my sister seems to enjoy using Instagram-style filters that are in vogue, especially ones designed to look like vintage photos, when camera technology produced charming and interesting effects -- which are, in essence, of lesser quality.

My assumption is that I must accept that my sister enjoys these filters and try to not let them distract me. However, if there is the opportunity for me to gracefully tell her that I wish I could enjoy more true-to-life, unfiltered pictures of her gorgeous children, I would love to find it.

GENTLE READER: "Oh, I do so love getting pictures from you. And it's so interesting how the new technologies change the children's looks so drastically. Perhaps you could send me the unfiltered ones so I could try it myself."

This should achieve what you desire and assuage your sister's artistic sensibility. If not, Miss Manners feels certain that "unfiltering" will be the next rebellion from purists such as ourselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it socially acceptable to remove your retainer at the table?

GENTLE READER: Ewww. Please tell Miss Manners that you are not seriously contemplating doing this. If she is queasy just hearing the idea, she can imagine how people feel who might be forced to watch.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who routinely brings tasty treats to work for me. Although I appreciate her generosity, these treats are routinely accompanied with an insult.

For example, today she gave me a piece of a loaf with icing on top but promptly advised me to scrape off the icing. It's little nuggets of advice like this that lead me to think she thinks I am overweight. (I most certainly am not!)

However, I can't reject her food because she often leaves it on my desk. How do I get her to stop insulting my healthy (but never gluttonous) appetite?

GENTLE READER: It is unfortunate that the icing on your friend's cake is an insult. But since the two are in direct contact, Miss Manners wonders, why, exactly, can you not politely reject the whole package?

Hand back the treat and say: "You are so right. It's so kind of you to offer, but I really can't." If this makes your friend rethink her method of delivery, you will be in the happy position of having your cake and eating it too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I tell the person who is cutting my hair or cleaning my teeth that I don't want to talk about my personal life?

GENTLE READER: Keeping your eyes shut might alert them that you are tuned out. If necessary, Miss Manners recommends telling the hair cutter that you are blissfully relaxed. To the dental hygienist, you need only say a version of "Ummpphhh," which will be recognized as the inability to hold a conversation when there are instruments in your mouth.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How much courtesy do I owe street solicitors?

I'm not referring to the homeless (for whom I feel compassion), but to salespeople who stop me as I'm going about my day and try to engage me in a conversation about some random product, service or cause they'd like to sell me.

I find the ambush sales-pitch imposing and rude. What I do now is to say, "No, thanks" without breaking my gait, and even then I feel a little guilty about being gruff.

However, in the scheme of things, I feel my response is more polite than the situation calls for. I would like to say, "Please don't bother me," but that seems disrespectful to a person who is just doing a job, albeit an annoying one.

I don't think that accosting people, taking advantage of a natural tendency to avoid conflict, is a reasonable way to do business. I don't like responding to it with more consideration than I've been extended.

I live in a major urban area and encounter tons of these folks. I'm sick of it. What's your take?

GENTLE READER: Responding to rudeness with more consideration than has been extended is something of a guiding principle for Miss Manners.

She also knows that the alternative is ineffective: The people whom you wish to lecture are the agents, not the originators, of the approach. Far better to pass on with a "No, thank you," as you are doing, leaving the would-be salesman without successes to report to his boss.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)