DEAR MISS MANNERS? A group of our churchwomen meets in our homes, and wine is usually served. I offered to host a meeting. I served non-alcoholic punch and coffee because I do not drink.

Suddenly a wine bottle appeared when I was not looking, and everyone except me imbibed. I did not ask who brought it and nobody spoke up to claim ownership. There was not even a polite show of the bottle's being intended as a hostess gift.

I would like to host the group again, but how can I let them know I will not be serving alcohol and do not want it in my house?

My first thought is to put a sign outside my front door, "No alcohol allowed." Is that too brazen?

GENTLE READER: You needn't worry about your guests finding out that you don't serve alcohol -- they already know. Your problem is that they find thwarting your intentions amusing.

Miss Manners is not amused at deliberate rudeness. Before you issue your next invitation, she recommends taking some members of the group aside individually and asking if serving alcohol is required. If they say yes, you may say, with wide-eyed innocence, how disappointed you are as you will then not be able to host. No matter what the answer, you will have made your point.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a recent bridal shower, I was dismayed when the bride received a duplicate of the gift that I had selected from her registry. As it turns out, she had intentionally registered for some of the exact same items from multiple stores, hoping that it would result in duplicate gifts.

Her goal is to be able to return the duplicates for store credit, which she can amass and apply to even more expensive items (presumably that she thought she might as well not bother including in her registry). Sadly, this was her mother's idea!

I had thought that the purpose of a registry was to help gift-givers ensure that their gifts were, in fact, things that the bride wanted and to prevent duplications.

As a gift-giver, I like to think that I am giving something that will be used and perhaps even remembered as having come from me. Now, I'm left feeling that I might as well have given cash. What do you think of this manipulation of the registry system?

GENTLE READER: Oh, a new scheme for bilking friends and relations! No doubt this family is congratulating itself on how subtly it launders the money.

As you say, you might as well hand over the cash, as many such people blatantly demand.

You point out that it is a perverted use of the gift registry, but Miss Manners maintains that the gift registry itself perverts the custom of giving presents, which are supposed to be chosen, and voluntarily given, as a symbol of thoughtfulness and good wishes.

Even without the duplication scheme, this bride would have been unlikely to associate you with your present. You didn't choose it; she did. Your only choice was which item on her shopping list to buy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For years I have wondered why, when someone feels the need to thank someone else, most begin with the phrase, "I would like to thank so-and-so for doing so-and-so."

My complaint is that if one wishes to thank someone, one proper way is to say, "My thanks to so-and-so for so-and-so." Or, "My heartfelt thank you to so-and-so."

Why say, "I want to thank"? Why not go ahead and do it?

GENTLE READER: Is it because there is no verb in the declaration you recommend?

Miss Manners does not usually fret about the literal meanings of common, inoffensive expressions that everyone understands. This year alone, it has saved her enough time to reread "Moby-Dick."

But somehow your question got to her. She has used the expression herself, and your point has not frightened her into abandoning it. Upon reflection, she thinks that the part about wanting to thank emphasizes that it is not being said in a perfunctory way, but out of a genuine desire to express gratitude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have not had the best relationship with my dad. When I got married, he wasn't there -- not because of any emergencies, but because he was simply running late. (I had even told him the ceremony started an hour earlier than it did.) We could not wait for him any longer, and he missed his only daughter's wedding.

He has similarly missed or been late to many other important events in my life.

I have tried to forgive him for these occasions, since I know we all have our problems. But I graduated with my master's degree last month, and I have yet to hear a peep from him about it.

I can't help but feel sad and wonder why I always remember his birthday, Father's Day and so on, when he doesn't seem to care about once-in-a-lifetime events. I'm at a loss as to how to address this.

Should I still send him something for Father's Day? I feel guilty even thinking about skipping it, but my husband thinks it's the only way he'll take notice that there's a problem.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps there are cases in which people who have been inconsiderate all their lives suddenly realize the effect on others and reform. But Miss Manners would hate to think of your possibly waiting in vain for your father to react to your silence on Father's Day.

As you point out, he does not pay attention to your milestones. However, that does not preclude his caring about his own. People do feel differently when it comes to what they want for themselves. But then they tend not to see a connection to their own behavior. What if your father decides that you are a neglectful daughter, without in the least blaming himself?

Miss Manners cannot advise you on whether to recognize Father's Day. You could decide that you will be thoughtful despite his thoughtlessness, or you could decide that there is no point in marking an event for someone who has shown himself indifferent to events.

She is only asking you to decide on the basis of which would make you feel better, and not on what you imagine will produce a change.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When talking to a friend, if you ask what they're doing for the evening and they tell you they're free, is it wrong if you invite yourself over and offer to bring something?

Someone told me I should wait to be invited to someone's house even though that someone is a friend. Please advise if I'm wrong for inviting myself.

GENTLE READER: Yes, you must wait to be invited to someone's home. If you are not just looking for a free meal or shelter, then invite the friend to your home or out somewhere for the evening.

Oh, all right. Miss Manners will tell you how to politely fish for an invitation as long as you promise never to ask directly:

After the friend says that he or she is free, suggest that you "do something together" and pause for a second to see if you are invited. If you are not, you must proceed with one of the other two plans.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised that a "bridal tea" meant come and go, mingle, eat, no gift. A "shower" indicated a gift, come and stay, play games, eat.

When did the procedure change? I am thoroughly confused over the new standard of coming to a "tea" with a gift (which is usually your wedding gift).

Am I wrong? Or are we so uncouth and untrained that anything goes and there is no polite society anymore?

GENTLE READER: It is true that there is a lot of impolite society around -- people who do not think it worth having guests unless the guests arrive bearing gifts.

Thus the form of the shower is used so consistently that everyone has begun to believe that there is no other way to honor a bride or an expectant mother. This has confused even those who merely want to celebrate, driving them to ask Miss Manners how they can indicate that at the showers they are planning, no presents are expected.

So the distinction you learned is important: A shower is associated with presents, but a luncheon or a tea to honor someone should not be. It is unfortunate that you and Miss Manners are the only people who seem to remember that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When offered a box of chocolate, does one pick up the candy and leave the brown paper behind, thus maintaining order in the box and accounting for those that are missing? Or does one remove the candy with the paper so as not to soil one's fingers? Should gloves be removed first? How does one dispose of the paper when finished?

GENTLE READER: Chocolates are not strictly subject to accountability. They may be picked up with the paper or not as you prefer. The paper, if taken, may then be returned to the box or held until a suitable receptacle is found.

Miss Manners is inclined to be flexible with chocolates, but not with gloves. They should always be removed before eating or drinking. You would learn that the hard way if you tried to remove chocolate stains from kid gloves.