DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine had a graduation party for her child on a Thursday. She ordered a very expensive cake to be the centerpiece of the dessert table, surrounded by all sorts of cookies, fruit, etc., to be eaten that night.

She wanted the cake to be just the centerpiece and to be eaten on the night of the graduation, the following Sunday.

There was no cake knife anywhere near the cake. She thought people would get the hint, especially since she had another cake to be eaten in another room along with other goodies.

Someone took a plastic fork and stabbed the centerpiece cake when no one was looking. Some of us said that the centerpiece cake was fair game to be eaten along with all the other goodies on that table, even though there was no cake knife.

Others said, "Who would do such a thing?" Someone suggested that there should have been a note saying, "Display only, another cake in kitchen." Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps the sign should have said, "Hands off; this is for the A-list guests, not you." What Miss Manners finds most curious is that your friend thought that her guests would hold the same low opinion of themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My future sister-in-law just graduated with her Ph.D. She told me to call her "doctor," but I was always told that if you don't work with someone directly in their field, that doesn't apply.

Is that true? I understand it's out of respect, but I have never addressed other persons with their Ph.D. as "doctor." They also put Ph.D. at the end of their names, teach at universities and don't go by "doctor."

GENTLE READER: There are two attitudes that individuals and universities take toward the use of the title "doctor" for those who hold Ph.Ds.

One is that having been earned, it should be used, not only in professional situations when needed for identification, especially in academic positions, but also socially.

The other is not to use it -- not socially, but especially not in academic positions, because that level of education being assumed, it need not be expressly mentioned. As one professor (namely, Miss Manners' Uncle Selig) once put it, "A Ph.D. is like a nose -- everyone has one. It's only conspicuous if you don't have one."

Which form of snobbery is preferable, or perhaps more effective, others can decide. Obviously, your prospective sister-in-law espouses the first-named approach. And she is covered by two rules:

1. Address people as they wish to be addressed.

2. Try not to annoy your relatives unnecessarily.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When do you send wedding announcements? Can you send them prior to the wedding, to let people know you plan on getting married?

GENTLE READER: Announcing that something has happened before it actually has is asking for trouble. Miss Manners trusts that there will be no jilting at the altar, but it has been known to happen.

Besides, an announcement received beforehand is bound to be taken by some as an invitation, and could bring unexpected guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My current boyfriend and I are quickly approaching our one-year anniversary and made a trip to look at engagement rings. As I plan a future with him, I still have a couple of trinkets at home from a previous relationship: a pair of silver earrings I received as a birthday gift from an ex-boyfriend, and a pair of sweatpants taken from the same ex-boyfriend's closet.

I still wear the earrings and occasionally curl up in the comfy sweatpants. Is it wrong to keep them? Should I tell my boyfriend where (or rather, from whom) I received them?

GENTLE READER: Are you prepared for his response?

Miss Manners would have been inclined to allow you to keep the earrings and not mention from whom they came (or say "an old friend gave them to me," which is perfectly true). But your intimate description of the sweatpants (from the same person, no less) is making her question your loyalties -- and she fears that your beau would too.

It would seem easier all around to give or put away gifts from an old boyfriend if he truly means nothing to you now. If your future fiance won't allow you to wear his sweatpants, presumably it would still be preferable to keep the man that is still in them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one respond to a co-worker who brags about getting a trust fund check every quarter? With the latest check, she has mentioned to me (twice) everything that she has bought with it, or that she paid off. I just sit and nod my head, currently.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, that is about all one can politely do. Miss Manners suggests you change the subject by mentioning local charities you know that are looking for funding -- as long as you refrain from adding that you might be among them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I were married seven months ago, we agreed that each of us would be responsible for writing thank-you notes for the wedding gifts given by our closest family and friends. I wrote the notes to my close friends and my husband signed his name next to mine; I co-signed several lovely notes written by my husband.

Unfortunately, my husband stopped after just a few notes and has left the rest unwritten. I've tried gentle and less gentle reminders, and while he acknowledges the importance of the notes, he hasn't taken the time to finish them. I feel deeply embarrassed and complicit in our lack of expressed gratitude.

I clearly can't force my husband to write the notes. I also know I will feel resentful if I decide to write notes to his close friends and family on our behalf that are many months late. What would you advise me to do?

GENTLE READER: Sympathize with his not wanting to do this, and write the letters yourself.

Wait -- before you unleash your resentment on Miss Manners, let her finish. Then pick some comparable chore that you find annoying and ask your husband to take it over. Evening things out by each of you doing what you don't mind and sparing the other from tasks that you or he does mind makes for a pleasanter marriage.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I play a word game online, and some of my friends do this: If they're losing by a large margin and the game is nearly over, they "resign" the game and start a new one.

It doesn't matter if I had a few letters left that I wanted to figure out how to play (which to me is the fun of the game); they just feel that the particular game is done because (1) they're going to lose no matter what, and/or (2) they can only make words like "ha" or "it" with the few letters they have left.

They don't ask me if I would mind resigning the game -- they just do it. I've told these friends that I don't like that, and they argue with me that it was the sensible thing to do.

I think it's rude and poor sportsmanship. I want to have fun, down to the last two letters I get to play! So, what do you think -- is resigning like that rude and unsportsmanlike, or should I just suck it up?

GENTLE READER: Sportsmanship is a matter of behavior, and interacting quasi-anonymously through an online game robs participants of vital clues about motivation and conduct.

Were your opponent to resign by upending the game board and stomping out of the room, it would be rude and unsportsmanlike. Nor does a good winner prolong a lost game for the purpose of "rubbing it in."

Miss Manners sees no indication that your opponent is doing the former and you are clearly not doing the latter. but without contact outside of the game, there is no way to know for sure, which is why you, quite correctly, resorted to email. Having now explained your well-meant reasons to your opponent, and received his equally well-meant response, it would be gracious to accede to his wishes on the theory that as the winner, you can afford to be generous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a co-worker who sits across from me and constantly expresses her frustrations by mumbling under her breath and rolling her eyes. She isn't doing it directly toward me, but she does it very audibly and sometimes slams her hands down on her desk as well.

It can be very irritating at times and counterproductive in the way that she spreads a lot of negativity around. Is there any way for me to say something like, "Hey, your mumbling and talking under your breath isn't very productive and causes stress. Can you keep it under control?" Should I just ignore it?

GENTLE READER: It would be better to ignore it than to relate it either to productivity or to stress, Miss Manners warns you.

The former will invite questions of how productive is the behavior that annoyed your colleague. The latter will turn the discussion to medicine and psychology, both areas in which the co-worker may find justifications for her impolite behavior.

You need not, however, do either. Simply asking your co-worker if she has something to say to the group will make it clear to her that her behavior has been noticed.