DEAR MISS MANNERS: I did quite a bit of work for a group I belong to, and the organizers of the event wanted to thank me by taking me to lunch.

I don't like eating in restaurants and never have, and if someone is trying to thank me, that's the last thing they should do. I declined and explained why.

I was told by someone else that this was unkind of me. This has happened before, and I find myself at a loss as to what to do.

Should I accept a thank-you that is uncomfortable for me, or should I continue to explain that a nice note in the mail would be perfectly acceptable? A box of chocolates is always nice, too.

GENTLE READER: And if they gave you chocolates, how could they be assured that you wouldn't give them a lecture on why you don't like eating chocolates and never have? You don't have to accept the restaurant invitation. You may politely decline. But, Miss Manners begs of you, spare the group your reasoning -- or helpful suggestions of what they could give you instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the protocol when you receive a formal notice of someone buying and living in a new home?

GENTLE READER: You are supposed to check your contacts list, get out your address book and change the address you have for that person. Miss Manners can relieve you of the fear that you are obliged to help furnish that residence.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have small children who are frequently given gifts from family members, some of which we don't feel appropriate for a child (toy weapons or revealing clothing for little girls, for example).

The givers fall into two categories: those who give the items because they say they know we will not purchase them for our children, and those who simply don't have the same point of view as we do about parenting.

At the moment it is possible for us to write a thank-you note stating that we are so touched that the person loves our children and has thought of them, and then put the gift away. However, this will get more difficult as the children get older and become aware of us withholding these gifts.

I wouldn't think of trying to tell people they should buy the children specific things, as of course gifts should never be expected, but I am at a loss of what to do. I worry that someday they will find out that we take the gifts away and be hurt.

DEAR GENTLE READER: Once your children have reached the age of awareness, you can't reasonably take away presents that they were witness to being given. It is, however, well within your parental rights to mandate where and how the undesirables may be worn or played with (i.e., only behind closed doors).

Even if you could police your friends, monitor the exchange or remove the presents entirely, Miss Manners warns you against it. If your children really want them, they will find a way to procure the coveted objects eventually anyway. Wouldn't you rather they do it under your guidance and jurisdiction?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a courteous way to impose a limit on, well, courtesy? I was disembarking from the rear door of a bus when an elderly gentleman immediately in front of me had trouble pushing the door open. I reached over and assisted him, and then exited myself.

I held the door for the person behind me, so as not to let it slam in his face, assuming that he would take the door from me. He didn't. Neither did the four people behind him, who ranged in age from adolescent to elderly.

Eventually, a couple struggling with two strollers disembarked, the last of the departing riders, and I felt that I shouldn't release the door, and so I didn't.

Was there a point at which I could have relinquished my job as door person pro tem without being discourteous.

GENTLE READER: Your services were offered graciously, if unintentionally, and Miss Manners is pleased to return the courtesy by solving your problem, though not by herself relieving you of the door.

Wait for a person who can be expected to hold a door, and take a half step in front of him before he comes through. The movement will bring him up short, at which point you can catch his eye and then slowly release the door, eventually letting go.

This maneuver must be so executed as not to leave anyone lying prone on the sidewalk, and it is meant for the extreme situation you describe -- not to punish a lone, lazy teenager who slips through after Miss Manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can you politely say "no" when a person gives you a book to read that you have no interest in reading?

GENTLE READER: "Thank you so much. I cannot wait to get to it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I lacking in the manners department if I do not always buy birthday gifts for my friends?

I had a friend who was very offended when I did not get her a gift for her birthday, and who made sure to remind me about the gifts she had given me on my "special day." We are in our mid-20s.

While I think it is a very nice gesture to give gifts to people close to you, and I make sure to show appreciation if I am given a gift, I did not think it was a required activity. I have given her gifts in the past, but never made it a regular tradition. Perhaps I should have, since she gave me a birthday gift.

Am I on the wrong side of this? At what point, if any, should adults stop expecting other people to buy them gifts?

GENTLE READER: Immediately. There is no excuse for demanding presents for oneself.

However, with some exceptions, present-giving should be a roughly even exchange. It should not be confused with philanthropy, which is one-sided and highly admirable, but unrelated to the offering of symbols of fondness among relatives and friends.

By roughly equivalent, Miss Manners is not referring to immediate reciprocation, nor to the monetary value. It merely means giving something of equal thoughtfulness when the occasion presents itself.

If you are not prepared to do this -- and indeed, it can easily become burdensome -- you owe it to your friend to tell her that much as you have appreciated her presents, you cannot keep accepting them and would prefer an agreement to acknowledge each other's birthdays with good wishes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I fell and hit my head, which left a large bruise (black eye and large scar) on one side of my face. Every time I go out in public, someone asks me what I did to my face. Most of the questioners are total strangers, e.g., store clerks and fellow bus riders.

I usually get mad and tell them to mind their own business. Is there any polite but firm way to let these people know they're out of line? I understand friends asking, but why does a visible injury make me exhibit A?

GENTLE READER: Snarling at people to mind their own business -- however justified by their nosiness -- would be a good way to convince people that your injuries were the result of your own pugnaciousness.

Oddly enough, claiming that, with a cheerful "You should see the others -- and there were five of them," would have the opposite effect.

However, Miss Manners does not require you to engage with strangers. A quick dismissal would be, "Thank you, I'm fine," as if they were good citizens inquiring only to know if you needed help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK for the bride to wear an elegant watch to her wedding reception?

GENTLE READER: Does she have an important appointment after the wedding that she is worried about missing?

Watches, however snazzy, are not properly worn with formal clothes or on social occasions, exactly because they imply a need to keep track of the time spent there before moving on to the next item on the schedule. If this is the case, Miss Manners would advise the lady to wear a concealed watch and to consult it discreetly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was put off by an invitation to a cousin's 70th birthday party sent by her two daughters for the reason you have long pointed out -- we were invited to come and celebrate, but had to pay for dinner. I told several members of the extended family how this was a breach of etiquette and did not attend the party but sent a card.

In the meantime, my mother completely recovered from a serious illness, and so I came upon the idea that my three siblings and our partners would take Mom out for a celebratory dinner where each couple would pay for their own dinner -- as is usual for us. Then I decided to ask a large number of cousins if they would like to join the original eight of us at the restaurant dinner to help celebrate their beloved aunt's recovery. This would be a no-host affair.

Am I being a hypocrite here, as some in the family think? Or are the two celebrations, as I think, not comparable? There is still time for me (and perhaps my siblings) to pick up the entire tab if you deem etiquette requires it.

GENTLE READER: Please do. Or explain to Miss Manners what the difference is between your cousins (who were not party to the cooperative agreement with your siblings) asking you to pay for a celebratory family dinner, and your asking your cousins to pay for a celebratory family dinner. Other than that you would have had to pay in the former case, but would have collected in the latter case.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)