DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems as if any time I have contact with a business, they want me to fill out a survey about my experience. This is a trend that really irritates me.

I call my bank to ask which branch I should go to for a particular service, and a week later I get a letter and a two-page survey form to fill out. I place an order with a mail-order catalog and get an email asking me to fill out a survey about my customer experience, followed up (after the order has been delivered) with another email asking how I liked the product.

I can, of course, ignore such requests (and often do), but sometimes that gets me a follow-up letter or email complaining that I haven't responded! Sometimes I get follow-up phone calls! Even Miss Manners probably cannot prevent companies from this practice, but don't they violate some tenet of business etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Yes, they are violating the first rule of business: Don't annoy the customer.

Sadly, Miss Manners realizes that they are doing this with the opposite intention. But if someone, even a friend, followed you around pleading, "Do you like me? Do you really, really like me? How can I make you like me more?" you would be tempted to slap him.

As businesses are aware, the consumer now has ways of voicing dissatisfaction to the world. Heading this off by catching problems immediately, or perhaps by allowing the customer to vent to the point of exhaustion, is good business. But then, so is knowing when to stop.

In addition to ignoring these requests, you should ask not to be contacted except in connection with your order, and you should withhold your telephone number.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Included in the invitation to a wedding my family and I will be attending was a request for everyone over 21 to "give the couple the courtesy" of paying $25 for each adult's "bar package."

As we have children, we declined purchasing a "bar package," since we will not be drinking, then driving. And frankly, money is tight, and I'd rather use the $50 for their wedding present.

I was informed we need to pay this, since the couple chose to have an open bar. Basically, they want an open bar vs. a cash bar (which is an option), but they want their guests to pay for it, drinking or not.

They are close family, so I feel stuck. I've always thought that would be rude, akin to asking guests to pay for their own meal, or charging a fee to attend! Please tell me if I'm correct in thinking this requirement is inappropriate, or if I'm overreacting.

Also, how should I lovingly respond? I'll pay the $50, but my funding can't give that and a nice wedding gift, too, although it would feel so rude to me not to give a nice gift since they are close family. Suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Well, these people are in no position to consider you rude. Yet they are probably rude enough themselves to complain if they feel shortchanged.

Miss Manners is sorry to condemn your close relatives, but of course they are charging you an admission fee.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a freelance writer who has had articles published in several magazines. I just received a mass email (a mass forwarding, I think) from an editor to whom I have sold material on three separate occasions.

This email was a lengthy and nasty criticism of a prominent political candidate, related neither to any work I had done for this editor, nor to the magazine's general publishing mission.

Although I was not entirely unsympathetic with all the political views expressed in the message, there were some I strongly disagreed with; and in any case, I was annoyed that a professional editor would use my being on her email list as an excuse to hit me with something totally irrelevant to our working relationship. (At least I hope it was irrelevant. If this is her way of ferreting out and dropping any regular writers who disagree with her political opinions, I quit!)

Besides, I am long fed up with the "badmouth your opponent" approach that dominates political campaigns.

Rather than risk saying anything that might hurt my own professional reputation, I simply deleted the message without answering it. I wonder, though, if there was any possible way I could have replied that would have tactfully discouraged anything more of this kind?

GENTLE READER: "I'm afraid I must have gotten onto the wrong email list" is a perfectly reasonable response to unwanted emails, particularly mass forwarded ones. Miss Manners notes that you wouldn't mind being dropped by this editor for political differences (which would be highly unethical on her part anyway), so you have little to lose.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I am a guest speaker at a luncheon, is it unprofessional of me to eat any of the food?

GENTLE READER: While you are speaking, yes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single woman in my late 30s with friends who have preschool and school-age children. Many parents have instructed their children to address me by my first name. I do not feel comfortable with this, as I am friends with the parents and not their children.

May I ask the parents to instruct their children to call me something else, such as Miss Smith or "Auntie" Barbara?

GENTLE READER: More often than not, it is the parents' friends who ask to be called by their first names so as not to "appear old," a clear signal to the children that they are.

Miss Manners assures you that it is just as permissible, and a lot more dignified, to make the opposite request.

One makeshift solution is to use an honorific followed by the first name, such as "Miss Barbara" or "Aunt Barbara," but this may feel odd for those born above the Mason-Dixon line. "Oh, I've always wanted to be called Aunt Laura" would be a sweet way to solve the problem. "Oh, I've always wanted to be called Miss Smith" is a little less so, but would achieve the desired result.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When interviewing for a job, is it considered bad manners to ask how much the job pays? Ironically, it is not bad manners for the employer to ask how much you have earned in your previous jobs. Do you see a problem with this practice? Isn't the real question how much are both parties willing to agree upon in the business relationship?

GENTLE READER: Your tone suggests a certain impatience with Miss Manners, who is forced to point out, in her own defense, that her only action thus far has been to open a letter addressed to her. Who says that it is bad manners to ask how much a job pays? Certainly not Miss Manners. Bans about discussing money in personal situations do not apply in the business world.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend's husband suddenly passed away, and he did not have life insurance. His widow has planned a party asking for donations to cover her expenses in paying for her husband's funeral.

My husband and I went to the wake and funeral to pay our respects; however, we are both uneasy about making a donation to pay her expenses. Is this the new normal for funerals?

GENTLE READER: Actually, this is the old normal. Parties thrown by working-class families for the purpose of raising burial funds date back at least to the mid-19th century, when impoverished families found themselves unable to afford to meet the increasingly expensive Victorian standards of "a decent burial."

Let us hope that the American love of fundraising will not cause the well-off to ape those original poor souls, who resorted to such methods out of a mortifying and immediate need. Now, as then, only a friend of the deceased is in a position to gauge the need of the widow against his own ability to give.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the purpose of a cup or mug with a lid?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette does not require such lids, but it does require the drinker to avoid spilling drinks all over the place. Miss Manners advises lids only for those who drink (benign liquids, of course) when driving or are easily overexcited.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have someone in our group dental practice who is the first staff member to reach 25 years with us. (A doctor reached 25 last year and received a custom set of golf clubs.)

What is the price range we should spend on this remarkable achievement? Or, how do we determine what to spend? What are some good gift ideas? Help!

GENTLE READER: As a rule, professional milestones are better recognized by a professional perk, such as a bonus or additional time off. But the golf clubs received by the doctor suggest to Miss Manners that you are looking for a personal gift instead of a merely personalized one.

How would Miss Manners have better ideas for your staff member, whose name she does not even know, than you?

If the practice does not wish to make such a substantive gift, then an impersonal one that can be given to every staff member who reaches the milestone will at least avoid resentment.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)