DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a 3-year-old son and a 5-year-old daughter. My best friend has two daughters, roughly the same ages, and is of the opinion that I must begin teaching my son "to behave like a gentleman."

For now that includes pulling out chairs for girls, opening and holding doors for them, standing every time they sit down at or leave the table, that sort of thing. Down the line this would expand to include actions like always paying when with a woman, whether or not they are on a date, and having her wait while he runs around to open the car door for her.

I disagree with her. As gallant and romantic as such actions would be, I fear in the coming years he would be more likely to offend the women and embarrass the other men involved. (Not that I think this is the way it should be, but I believe it is where our society is heading.)

I am teaching both of my children to simply be courteous to others. Whoever gets to the door first opens and holds it for the person behind him (or her). They both should stand while greeting a new person approaching the table ... you get the idea.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. Those are the standard courtesies of our time. Little girls who are being brought up to expect to have their bills paid by male acquaintances and their male bosses to rise when they enter the room are in for some big shocks.

Miss Manners admits to hoping that reasonable gallantry survives -- in the social sphere only -- but not by expecting it of 3-year-olds. Like toddlers in mini versions of dinner jackets and other adult clothing, that would be just a bit icky.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received a few Christmas cards with photos of tween and teen girls in string bikinis. I am a mother and this makes me cringe. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That these cards were misaddressed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell your readers not to send death notices in their Christmas cards/letters. I received three such Christmas cards.

One was of a good friend, and I was devastated that I wasn't told at the time when she died. My husband died last year, and it lifted my spirits to get cards and letters from friends, but when I opened the ones that told me about people dying, I was so depressed.

Please don't use the holidays to tell your friends/family that someone died. This is not the time to do so -- this is supposed to be a happy occasion!

GENTLE READER: For many, it seems to be the only occasion for writing at all, and therefore the repository of both good news and bad.

One problem, Miss Manners notes, is that Americans do not send out death notices -- black-bordered cards with a formal printed message -- as is done in other countries. People complain of the shock of seeing such notices in social media, as well as on Christmas cards.

She quite agrees that death is solemn enough to be announced alone, not thrown in with other sentiments.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the course of my business day, I am often called upon to answer questions related to my products and their purpose.

Some customers ask several questions in a rapid fashion, and I am unable to respond without interrupting them. Then, still without giving me a chance to answer any of the questions they have asked, they say, "Well, I guess you don't know anything."

Please give me a gentle response that allows me to defend myself and maintain my dignity.

GENTLE READER: Produce a pencil and paper and, while looking the customer directly in the eye (to show that you are paying attention), write down and number each of his questions.

Whether you faithfully transcribe the questions is irrelevant -- the act of paying attention and taking notes will so flummox the questioner that you will then have time to answer the questions. However, Miss Manners does not advise taking notes on any electronic device, as the customer will assume you have decided to check your email instead of helping him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It has bugged me for years that none of my bosses has ever written a thank-you note for a Christmas gift, a wedding gift -- or any gift, for that matter. They have not even acknowledged the receipt of any gifts verbally.

Is there some business rule that I don't know about where the wealthy or affluent or upper management don't acknowledge gifts? I'm looking forward to an answer to this puzzling question.

GENTLE READER: Are you suggesting that the rich may be able to buy their way out of etiquette obligations the way people were once able to buy their way out of armies?

On the contrary. The amazing concept of noblesse oblige requires them to be even more considerate of those who are somewhat under their control.

Not in your office, apparently. But Miss Manners does wonder why you are giving Christmas presents to your bosses and attending their weddings (which would be the only reason for your giving a wedding present). These are not your friends; nor do they sound like friends worth having.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had a sour encounter with a serving lady at a local restaurant on our very first visit. Since the store encouraged feedback, we addressed the situation by email.

We received a reply from the area manager of the eatery chain, regretting the whole incident. He promised to take up the matter with the manager of the particular store. Meanwhile, he also asked for our mailing address to send over two free coupons as a gesture.

Can we accept this gesture? We are quite glad that the issue was tackled promptly and apologies rendered. But if we send just a thank-you email declining the offer, will it be like offending the gesture made?

GENTLE READER: By offering you the coupons, the restaurant is asking for a second chance to win your business. Miss Manners agrees that this is both good manners and good business, but you are not under any obligation to accept. However, since coupons cost the restaurant nothing until they are redeemed, you may simply accept the coupons and then place them in a desk drawer while you think it over, or give them away to family or friends.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in a quandary about giving a Christmas present to my cleaning lady. I had to cut her hours back from every other week to once a month.

At Christmas I always gave her a small present and a check for one week's work. What do I give her now -- the same amount as before? I don't want to lose her, as I really like her.

GENTLE READER: In what sense do you like her? Before social media perverted that word, it implied a certain fondness that, when applied to actual living beings, indicated a modicum of empathy.

In that case, you might consider that however much financial problems of yours may have led you to cut back her hours, her financial problems must be worse.

Or perhaps you mean only that you like the way she cleans your house.

In either case, Miss Manners recommends generosity. This is a rare opportunity to use a selfish motivation to do a selfless act.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter thinks I need to attend her future relatives' family Christmas party. I do not feel I belong there, and to be perfectly honest, I don't want to go. I am not marrying them; she is marrying into the family.

After trying to explain this to her, her response was, "I would like you to do this for me." I said I still feel the same.

GENTLE READER: Like it or not, marriage does join two families. If there are children, you will have blood relatives in common.

However, Miss Manners gathers that you take a rather cool view of family claims. Your own daughter's plea that you do this for her sake seems to have moved you no more than her wish to include you in her new life. Ultimately, this will probably be sadder for you than for her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I often host an open house during the Christmas season. While it is certainly not my intention to collect gifts, that is what happens.

The first year I was stunned. The second year, nervous. The third year, I worried about how to handle these well-intentioned, but certainly not necessary, gifts. The worst part is that guests often don't put a tag on the gift, so I don't know whom to thank.

Is there a "catch-all" phrase that can express my thanks to people for attending our open house and also providing a gift (if they have done so), without suggesting to those who did not bring a gift that they are deficient?

GENTLE READER: Hosts do not normally write letters to thank their guests simply for showing up; it is guests who are supposed to write to thank their hosts. The reversal is chiefly popular with brides who want to shame guests, whom they consider to be their debtors.

So no, you do not want to do that. Even mentioning the problem in general terms would be interpreted as declaring to all that good guests gave presents.

No one would suffer more from the inability to write a letter of thanks than Miss Manners. She can only hope that the donors will reveal themselves, and she advises you in the future to assign someone to leap at any deposited present to mark down the name of the giver.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)