DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the years, the gift-giving experience of grandparent to granddaughter has developed into a kind of predictable dance: A grandparent will call us and note that granddaughter's birthday/Christmas is approaching. They will then ask what she wants.

We will decline to answer, stating that a thoughtful gift given from the heart with a personal touch is always appreciated. They will push back, insisting we name an actual gift. We will continue to decline through repeated calls and emails until we finally give in and mention something, anything to get them to stop.

They will ask us to run out and get it, pay for it ourselves (reimbursing us by check at a later date), wrap it, and present it to their granddaughter on the appropriate day, whereupon she will excitedly declare her thanks to Grandma and Grandpa for their thoughtful gift, of which they had no part, except to write a check at some point.

It's hard enough for us to keep coming up with original and thoughtful gift ideas for our daughter, let alone having to maintain a standing library of ideas to feed the grandparents. Not to mention finding the time and budget to do their shopping for them.

As it stands, it's obvious that we have enabled this behavior, as our siblings have managed to stonewall their way into a lifetime of check-in-a-card gifts for their kids.

Have you noted this trend penetrating society? I've seen it in other gift-giving situations, anniversaries or showers, where the gift giver will demand to know the specifics, brand, color, where to buy it, etc., all to avoid having to make a personal decision or effort.

Please note, I'm not offering a complaint about the generosity of any of the grandparents. They are thoughtful and generous in their spending, and it is always appreciated and properly thanked. My parents and my wife's parents are all divorced and remarried, making for a total of four sets of grandparents. All live scattered around the country, with no contact between them, yet this trend has developed nearly simultaneously among all four sets of grandparents.

GENTLE READER: There is no grandparent conspiracy to foist off the shopping, as far as Miss Manners knows. Rather, she suspects that the grandparents are actually reacting against the prevalent debasing of the ancient custom of giving presents.

One such travesty is the gift registry or wish list, by which people select their own presents with the expectation that others will do the shopping and paying. This has gotten their would-be benefactors out of the habit of giving any thought to present-giving, even though showing thoughtfulness, rather than trading shopping lists, is the whole point.

That, in turn, quickly led many people to forgo the farce of shopping for pre-selected items. Instead, they simply pay their relatives, friends, colleagues and acquaintances to buy their own presents, making the custom even more crude and pointless.

It may seem as if this is what the grandparents are doing, using you as an intermediary. But Miss Manners is guessing that they are resisting those trends and want to surprise and please the children with real presents. Otherwise, they could easily send them checks.

The difficulty is that they may not be in a position to observe the children's current interests or to know what they already have, or what you plan to get for them. So what you could provide, instead of a shopping service, is advice:

"Vanessa loves building things. She has regular blocks, but anything unusual, such as museum stores have, would be good. Brian has shocked us all by turning preppy, so he loves sweaters and striped shirts. The twins have just discovered dinosaurs. If you have any doubts about a particular item, just call us."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the assistant for one of the executives at my company, I routinely answer his phone with, "Good morning/afternoon, this is John Doe's office." I even have a note on the phone reminding me to smile before picking up, because I know that people can tell the difference (strange, but true).

One caller, an executive in a different department, will respond to my greeting with "JOHN" in an impatient tone. This always seems to surprise and fluster me, at which point he will say, "John NOW. Put John on the phone." No one else, either within the company or calling from elsewhere, is ever this rude to me.

I go an extra step to be pleasant to anyone who calls before I even know who is on the other end of the line. Perhaps if this was a one-time occurrence, I wouldn't be asking for your advice. However, each and every time this other executive calls my boss, he acts like this. I've been responding, "Sorry?" since this behavior does confuse me momentarily, but I would rather have another note next to my phone giving me a pointer on how to respond to him.

If he continues to act rudely to me, then I'll consider bringing this up with my boss. However, I do hope that I can deal with this on my own in both a professional and ladylike way.

GENTLE READER: Say pleasantly, "I'm sorry, but we seem to have a bad connection. I only heard 'John' and 'now.' What is it that I can do for you?"

You may repeat this as needed if his replies get shorter and ruder, but if this exasperates him to the point of an all-out explosion, Miss Manners assures you that there is no shame in telling your boss. This is professional information that he would likely want to know.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there something appropriate to be said to a relative or friend who is ill and obviously close to dying?

GENTLE READER: "I love you." Miss Manners considers it a vast improvement over the patently false command, "Get well."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My toddler son is cute -- incredibly cute. The kind of cute that makes people point him out to friends in crowded stores, that makes total strangers give him their snack foods, that makes people follow us around asking, "What movie have I seen him in?"

The problem is when parents of other children come up to me and tell me how cute he is. For me to simply say "Thank you" always seems to me to imply, "I have nothing nice to say about your child in return." But the fact is, across a crowded bus, you notice that a child is cute. But you can't notice that a child is artistic, musical, well-spoken or talented in myriad other ways. What is the proper response to such a compliment?

GENTLE READER: Responding to "Your child is cute" with "Your child looks otherwise talented" is tantamount to saying that he is unattractive -- a free insult when none is warranted. Miss Manners assures you that "Thank you, yours too" is perfectly true. Most parents believe that their child is adorable -- and no one wants to hear an honest comparison to yours.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbors were kind enough to help me with a large household problem. In order to demonstrate my gratitude, I baked a cake and took it to their house two days later.

When the plate was returned, cleaned and within a reasonable time frame, there was a box of chocolates on it. This token was greatly appreciated, but I now find myself in a position to, yet again, reciprocate with either another cake or some other baked item.

How does one put a stop to the constant "thank you" reciprocations of such gifts? I feel that I should be the last one to give such a gift, since I had the original household problem that my neighbors assisted me in resolving.

GENTLE READER: In Greek mythology, Agamemnon appeases the goddess Artemis for a serious etiquette breach (bragging) by making a human sacrifice of his daughter Iphigenia. He does this without consulting his wife, Clytemnestra, who, upon his return from the Trojan War, returns the favor by stabbing him in his bath. Their son Orestes then murders Clytemnestra in retaliation. Eventually, the Greek gods have to step in to break the cycle of vendetta before it depopulates the Peloponnese.

Miss Manners realizes that your situation is not quite as drastic, but the principle is the same. If you answer the chocolates with baked goods, you will only prolong things. Send them a letter covering both the chocolates and the original help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several family members were casually talking after our Thanksgiving dinner. I asked my husband if he would get me some coffee (he was standing, I was sitting). My brother-in-law piped up and corrected me with "Please."

Should he have corrected me? I'm 58 and felt like a 2-year-old. I told him I thought the please was implied, as we have been married 34 years.

GENTLE READER: At what year did you decide that it was no longer necessary to be polite? And when did your brother-in-law decide that he no longer needed to be polite to you?

Miss Manners should not have to tell you that being related does not justify suspending politeness. You have discovered that for yourself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The owner of a bar I frequent just passed away, and everyone who knew him, especially the bartenders, are understandably quite upset.

I want to buy the place, but I don't know how long I should wait to bid, out of respect. The reality is that everyone would benefit from my owning the place in terms of job security, etc., but I don't want to look opportunistic.

GENTLE READER: Mourning etiquette was historically elaborate and burdensome on those who did not work to support themselves. But it always recognized that after some point, business still needed to get done, whatever the private feelings of the mourners.

Miss Manners trusts that you will not read that to mean that business always comes first, or that it is unilaterally in your power to affect the good you hope for. You could write a note to the heirs explaining that, "When you are ready to think about the future of the business, I would appreciate the chance to talk with you." After that, you will have to be patient. People in that position have more than enough to remind them to "get on with their lives."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)