DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's parents visited us recently from out of state. About two weeks after they departed, I received a terse note from my husband's grandmother, in which she expressed concern for my relationship with my mother-in-law because I had not written to thank them for visiting.

I felt a bit hurt because we have a new baby, and it was a real effort to clean, shop and cook for their visit. My mother-in-law spent some time playing with the baby, but she did not pitch in with any chores.

Am I truly remiss in not writing to thank them for enjoying our hospitality? More important, what shall I say in the letter I must now write?

GENTLE READER: That your mother-in-law did not "pitch in" does not, at first glance, relate directly to your question -- except to indicate that you are attempting to defend yourself by making a countercharge of in-law rudeness.

Miss Manners has no objection to the strategy, merely the tactics.

Nice as it might have been for your mother-in-law to help, they were your guests and cannot therefore properly be criticized on this point. She suggests writing to your grandmother-in-law that it was always your understanding that the guest thanked the host, not the other way around -- but that you are not expecting a letter from your mother--in-law, as you know that the rule does not apply to immediate family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am one who is always on different committees, such as the retirement committee. When my grandbaby came, these same people on the committee didn't have the decency to celebrate the new arrival with a grandma gift. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Grow up?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a "couple" in our neighborhood who have decided they do not want to associate with the rest of the neighborhood when it comes to BBQs, parties, etc. Over the past year they have turned down multiple invitations.

At the last event we had, another neighbor approached them to let them know we were having a party with a band. They kindly went out for the evening.

There was some sort of incident that happened over a year ago that triggered this. I was not present, so I don't know all the details, but it appeared to be petty. The neighbors in question have remained cordial by waving, saying hello, etc., to the rest of the neighbors -- they just don't want to go beyond that.

After a year of inviting them, over and over, is it OK to finally say enough is enough and stop leaving an invitation at their door?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners has not heard directly from the "couple" you name, she has no trouble imagining what their question to her would be, namely, "How do we politely avoid endless, unwanted invitations from our neighbors?"

It seems to her that as they probably picked up on your considering them a "couple" in quotations marks, they are behaving very well.

Her advice to you is to stop. Not only will they not be offended if you stop issuing invitations, it is their most fervent wish.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not so long ago, when only heterosexual marriages were publicly recognized, society had easily understood terms for a person's spouse. A lady's spouse was her "husband," while a gentleman's spouse was his "wife."

Thus, I could easily introduce a couple as "John Smith and his wife, Mary Jones," or "Mary Johnson and her husband, William Johnson."

However, with the advent of same-sex marriages, I sometimes find myself at a loss as to the correct form of introduction. Is each gentleman in a same-sex marriage the "husband" of the other, with each lady in a similar relationship the "wife" of her spouse?

Or alternately, is a gentleman's spouse his "wife" regardless of the spouse's gender, and a lady's spouse likewise her "husband"?

I recognize that the equality or inequality of forms has taken on substantial symbolic importance these days. I would like to treat all couples with equal courtesy, but our traditional language creates ambiguities when applied to our new circumstances.

GENTLE READER: No, it doesn't. A married male is a husband and a married female is a wife, just as two male parents are both fathers and two female parents both mothers.

Please don't make trouble. Miss Manners is still weary from the emotion-laden battles over designations for couples who are not married. Perhaps "partner" is not the best solution (because it also describes a business relationship), but it is better than the explicit, overly cute or puzzling terms that were being suggested.

At any rate, it is now generally understood: "partners," unmarried; "husband" and "wife," married. Using any other terms for legally married same-sex couples would appear to cast doubt on their status and throw them back into the partner category.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate for my boyfriend to attend adult children's and grandchildren's birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc., events that take place at his ex-wife's house? The child with the grandchild lives there, and all events seem to be there.

I don't feel comfortable with him always going over there and do not think it is normal. He won't say anything.

GENTLE READER: Not normal? To want to see his children and grandchildren, wherever it is that makes that possible?

You could argue, Miss Manners supposes, that your discomfort -- or, should we say bluntly, jealousy -- is also normal. However, there is a difference between open-hearted normal and begrudging normal. The former is to be encouraged; the latter is to be decently hidden, if not suppressed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister is in her second week of recovering from a double mastectomy for breast cancer. Her husband is asking her if she has responded to well wishes and flowers, meals, etc.

Of course, she has thanked those who personally delivered these things, but has not gotten around to writing thank-you notes. I believe she needs to concentrate on getting well right now, and that most people will understand the delay.

Her husband is making her feel negligent about this; is he wrong? I love my brother-in-law, but am a little put out with him right now!

GENTLE READER: Making people feel negligent for neglecting their etiquette duties is a major part of Miss Manners' job. In this case, she would direct it at the husband, who could have written those letters, saying, "Natasha asked me to tell you how touched and grateful she is ..."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister in-law is newly married to a man who doesn't want kids. She seems to be undecided; however, this does not stop her from joining in on the constant comments of how children misbehave and are awful.

I realize that since they are newly married, they are often bombarded with the "So, when are you going to have kids?" question. Perhaps they are annoyed by it and are expressing their frustrations.

However, I find it very rude that at every family gathering, they glare at the children and make sarcastic remarks about how they are are hyper and messy. My son just celebrated his third birthday, and their constant comments offended most of my guests with children. They tried whispering many of their opinions, but it was obvious what is was about.

Their expectations of young children are unrealistic. They even make comments like, "We don't want any, but if we did have children, they would never eat sugar, and we would never bring them to a place with so many bad children to influence them."

I want to tell them that if they have such strong ill feelings toward little ones, then they should know they are not obligated to come to any of my children's celebrations. They can have their opinion, but they make such gatherings so miserable. Is it my place to approach them about this?

GENTLE READER: No, but Miss Manners would consider it a favor to your childless relatives and friends to omit them from the birthday invitation list. Your son will soon be eager to have parties that are designed expressly for his friends -- with adults present only as needed to supervise behavior and remove food from the rug before it is ground in by little feet.

As for family celebrations and other gatherings, you can tell your sister-in-law that you know that her children -- if she has them -- will be under more control, but that meanwhile you hope she will indulge parents who are learning as they go. Your reward for suppressing a sarcastic tone will come if this couple should, indeed, become parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I am paying for my daughter's wedding, do I have input on the guest list?

GENTLE READER: That privilege is not for sale, as Miss Manners gathers you seem to believe. However, it does come free with the position of being your daughter's parent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a baby shower a few months ago for a co-worker and spent $50 on a gift. Another colleague and I are planning to meet up with the new mom since she's had the baby. My colleague was in a panic about what to get her and said that it would be rude to show up without a gift when seeing the baby for the first time.

Are we really expected to give two gifts to a new mom?!

GENTLE READER: At least. You got off easy. Nowadays, anyone within a 50-yard radius of a new baby is "expected" to give gifts for four baby showers, three religious ceremonies, two first-time calls, and heaven help you if your partridge in a pear tree isn't on their registry.

However, these expectations are rude, no matter how many baby stores and mothers-to-be think otherwise. Miss Manners suggests calming your colleague by suggesting that as you already gave a present, it would be gracious to bring a small token, such as flowers. By that time, the new mother is likely to be too sleep-deprived and grateful for adult company to remain expectant.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)