DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not so long ago, when only heterosexual marriages were publicly recognized, society had easily understood terms for a person's spouse. A lady's spouse was her "husband," while a gentleman's spouse was his "wife."

Thus, I could easily introduce a couple as "John Smith and his wife, Mary Jones," or "Mary Johnson and her husband, William Johnson."

However, with the advent of same-sex marriages, I sometimes find myself at a loss as to the correct form of introduction. Is each gentleman in a same-sex marriage the "husband" of the other, with each lady in a similar relationship the "wife" of her spouse?

Or alternately, is a gentleman's spouse his "wife" regardless of the spouse's gender, and a lady's spouse likewise her "husband"?

I recognize that the equality or inequality of forms has taken on substantial symbolic importance these days. I would like to treat all couples with equal courtesy, but our traditional language creates ambiguities when applied to our new circumstances.

GENTLE READER: No, it doesn't. A married male is a husband and a married female is a wife, just as two male parents are both fathers and two female parents both mothers.

Please don't make trouble. Miss Manners is still weary from the emotion-laden battles over designations for couples who are not married. Perhaps "partner" is not the best solution (because it also describes a business relationship), but it is better than the explicit, overly cute or puzzling terms that were being suggested.

At any rate, it is now generally understood: "partners," unmarried; "husband" and "wife," married. Using any other terms for legally married same-sex couples would appear to cast doubt on their status and throw them back into the partner category.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate for my boyfriend to attend adult children's and grandchildren's birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc., events that take place at his ex-wife's house? The child with the grandchild lives there, and all events seem to be there.

I don't feel comfortable with him always going over there and do not think it is normal. He won't say anything.

GENTLE READER: Not normal? To want to see his children and grandchildren, wherever it is that makes that possible?

You could argue, Miss Manners supposes, that your discomfort -- or, should we say bluntly, jealousy -- is also normal. However, there is a difference between open-hearted normal and begrudging normal. The former is to be encouraged; the latter is to be decently hidden, if not suppressed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister is in her second week of recovering from a double mastectomy for breast cancer. Her husband is asking her if she has responded to well wishes and flowers, meals, etc.

Of course, she has thanked those who personally delivered these things, but has not gotten around to writing thank-you notes. I believe she needs to concentrate on getting well right now, and that most people will understand the delay.

Her husband is making her feel negligent about this; is he wrong? I love my brother-in-law, but am a little put out with him right now!

GENTLE READER: Making people feel negligent for neglecting their etiquette duties is a major part of Miss Manners' job. In this case, she would direct it at the husband, who could have written those letters, saying, "Natasha asked me to tell you how touched and grateful she is ..."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister in-law is newly married to a man who doesn't want kids. She seems to be undecided; however, this does not stop her from joining in on the constant comments of how children misbehave and are awful.

I realize that since they are newly married, they are often bombarded with the "So, when are you going to have kids?" question. Perhaps they are annoyed by it and are expressing their frustrations.

However, I find it very rude that at every family gathering, they glare at the children and make sarcastic remarks about how they are are hyper and messy. My son just celebrated his third birthday, and their constant comments offended most of my guests with children. They tried whispering many of their opinions, but it was obvious what is was about.

Their expectations of young children are unrealistic. They even make comments like, "We don't want any, but if we did have children, they would never eat sugar, and we would never bring them to a place with so many bad children to influence them."

I want to tell them that if they have such strong ill feelings toward little ones, then they should know they are not obligated to come to any of my children's celebrations. They can have their opinion, but they make such gatherings so miserable. Is it my place to approach them about this?

GENTLE READER: No, but Miss Manners would consider it a favor to your childless relatives and friends to omit them from the birthday invitation list. Your son will soon be eager to have parties that are designed expressly for his friends -- with adults present only as needed to supervise behavior and remove food from the rug before it is ground in by little feet.

As for family celebrations and other gatherings, you can tell your sister-in-law that you know that her children -- if she has them -- will be under more control, but that meanwhile you hope she will indulge parents who are learning as they go. Your reward for suppressing a sarcastic tone will come if this couple should, indeed, become parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I am paying for my daughter's wedding, do I have input on the guest list?

GENTLE READER: That privilege is not for sale, as Miss Manners gathers you seem to believe. However, it does come free with the position of being your daughter's parent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a baby shower a few months ago for a co-worker and spent $50 on a gift. Another colleague and I are planning to meet up with the new mom since she's had the baby. My colleague was in a panic about what to get her and said that it would be rude to show up without a gift when seeing the baby for the first time.

Are we really expected to give two gifts to a new mom?!

GENTLE READER: At least. You got off easy. Nowadays, anyone within a 50-yard radius of a new baby is "expected" to give gifts for four baby showers, three religious ceremonies, two first-time calls, and heaven help you if your partridge in a pear tree isn't on their registry.

However, these expectations are rude, no matter how many baby stores and mothers-to-be think otherwise. Miss Manners suggests calming your colleague by suggesting that as you already gave a present, it would be gracious to bring a small token, such as flowers. By that time, the new mother is likely to be too sleep-deprived and grateful for adult company to remain expectant.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When offering a drink to a guest, what is the response to the reply, "I don't drink," or "My religion forbids alcohol"?

Of course I would offer a soft drink as an alternative, but would it be impolite to drink alcohol myself? Should I ask if it would make them uncomfortable, or just avoid the issue and settle for water?

GENTLE READER: Avoid the issue. Drink your drink, and offer him something else.

To decline a drink, whether because it is alcoholic, sugar-laden or merely repulsive, and whether the reason is religious, medical or preference, a guest need only say, "No, thank you."

If your guest volunteered more information in a misguided but well-meant desire to explain his behavior, he has now done so and no additional action is necessary.

If his intent was to criticize your behavior, then no good can come of further probing. A guest who expects you to put him at ease by scooping up already-served drinks from other guests is asking too much.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice I've been present when a guest came to the table and switched the place cards.

Once I was the hostess; the guest arrived before the others, walked around the table and changed the place cards, placing himself between people he liked.

The other time, I was a guest, and the man who was to be my dinner partner exchanged his card with one across the table. I was nonplussed, but said nothing.

What could I have possibly said or done?

GENTLE READER: You could have told your wouldn't-be dinner partner, "Oh, I'm so sorry; I had looked forward to sitting next to you." And considered yourself lucky to be rid of him.

As hostess, you are not so lucky in having a guest who assumes your prerogative. In that case, you should say firmly, "I planned this for everyone's enjoyment," and held out your hand for his place card. Miss Manners believes in letting the guilty party feel nonplussed, not the victim.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend of mine lost her job several months ago. She greatly enjoys live theater, but has not been going because she is conserving her finances. My husband and I are doing well financially, and I would love to buy her a ticket and take her as my guest as a nice diversion from her long days of job-hunting.

However, she is very proud and would likely insist on paying for the ticket, or for a meal, and I do not want to make her spend money she does not have.

In this case, would a "white lie" be acceptable, such as, "Howard and I had planned to see 'Wicked' this weekend, but he has to go out of town for a work function. Would you please join me so I don't have to go alone?"

GENTLE READER: You had Miss Manners up until you got to the excuse, which, though well-intentioned, puts you on murky ethical grounds for no reason -- not to mention opening you up to getting caught if Howard is at the window when your friend picks you up.

"Howard and I purchased tickets for 'Wicked' and he cannot go with me. I would love it if you would go," is more than enough. Howard cannot go because you told him he can't, but you needn't mention that.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)