DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family received a letter from a young relative requesting "donations" for tuition to start a sixth year of college. This same relative was married only a few weeks before sending this letter out. It was mentioned that they were grateful for the monies received for their wedding; however, there is an urgent need for more money to advance in the education field.

Let it be noted that no thank-you card was received for the money that was given as a gift at their wedding. My question for you is simply this: How should we handle this in a proper way? Should we ignore this plea or respond in some manner?

GENTLE READER: You mean by saying, "Did you get our last installment? How much more do we owe?" Miss Manners can think of no polite alternative to giving this grab the lack of attention it deserves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a new nanny learning the ins and outs of the play date. My problem is in the confusion created by everyone trying to teach their child proper hosting etiquette without teaching how to behave as a guest.

I have had a number of children who demand their rights as a guest. For example, both girls want to wear the same plastic tiara. The visiting child will say, "But you have to let me wear it because I'm a guest."

I even had one child change her mind every time her host gave in and seemed content with the toy she ended up with. In that case, I told our visitor that though she is a guest, she is also a friend and has to be a good friend no matter whose house she is in.

I'm sure their thinking comes from the way their mothers have taught them to treat their own guests. I have talked to the child I care for about how to be a good guest in an attempt to prevent her behaving similarly when she is in someone else's home.

As the supervising adult, is it appropriate to correct another child's manners? How would such a correction be phrased in order to avoid giving the child I'm with daily the idea that it is OK not to allow her guest to choose first?

Also, I'm sure the other girls' mothers are not aware of their behavior. Should I mention it so that they can have a conversation at home? When picking up their daughters, they always ask specifically about their behavior.

GENTLE READER: Well, there's your opening. But Miss Manners supposes that mothers who have taken the trouble to teach hostess manners will be grateful if you continue the lesson -- as long as you mention it in a non-accusatory, if not actually flattering, way.

"I can see you taught her good hostess manners," you can say pleasantly, "and she's cleverly figured out that this means she can make up for it as a guest. Nice try -- they all do it. I've had to teach Magdalena that guests have responsibilities, too. And of course when I'm supervising play dates, I have to explain this to everyone to keep the peace."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the last couple of weeks, my boyfriend has been outright rude to me! He always makes smart comments, mocks my voice because I sound like a little kid, or tells me I'm in the wrong if I repeat something he doesn't like.

Sometimes the things he says even make me cry. No matter what, he tends to call me immature when I speak calmly and everything. What do I do?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners hates to be the one to tell you, your boyfriend wants to break up. Furthermore, he has chosen a particularly nasty way to do it.

A sudden turn for the rude, on the part of someone who has hitherto been well-behaved, generally signals the expectation that the target will take offense enough to initiate a fatal quarrel.

You may find yourself hoping, instead, that he is upset about something unrelated to you, and wanting to offer sympathy. In that case, Miss Manners would call your attention to the fact that someone who seeks relief for himself by making the person closest to him suffer is not a good choice of companion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When preparing a meal for guests, I find it best to serve meat in pieces that require the least amount of cutting.

I say, leave the cutting in the kitchen; it's time to eat. Perhaps a slice or two with a knife so as not to present my guests with a child's plate, but properly presented as a token of wanting to feed and entertain them.

I do this because many of my guests have to travel hours to get to my dining room, and I don't want to waste a moment of their time. I want their attendance and their stories to be the most important things. I don't want the separation of meat from bone to prevail.

I started doing this after so many formal dinners, tuxedoes and all, where discussions were put on hold whilst surgery ensued.

I almost wrote, "Perhaps dinner conversation is not the best manner; but to have people not speak because it's eating time seems to be the worst" -- until I remembered a guest who preferred one of the vegetables I was serving burnt right to carbon, as his family has done for generations, and not lightly heated as I had done. Before I could respond, he got up and put it back on the flame until it was black as coal.

GENTLE READER: Is it true that formal dinners are now populated by people who haven't figured out how to cut meat and talk at the same time? And who have the nerve to hop up from the table and re-cook the food?

Miss Manners is sadly aware that the demise of the nightly family dinner has resulted in widespread ignorance of the basic skills and courtesies of eating. She often hears from people seeking quick instruction before a meal they consider important.

Others simply don't care, and don't believe that anyone else does. Miss Manners hears about them from their disgusted spouses.

But she had not suspected that people who care enough about the social and ceremonial aspects of eating to give or attend formal dinners are oblivious of the elementary requirements.

As dinner is over, and everyone has left the table, she puts her head down and weeps.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 34 and getting married for the second time in about a month. The first marriage, at 20, was pretty dumb and short-lived -- I didn't have a clue about reality. Now, 14 years later, I found the right guy and I'm ready for a real commitment.

In chatting about our wedding plans with different people, I've been asked many times if it's my first marriage. I find myself stumbling over that one, not wanting to admit the stupidity of my immature decision years ago. I even lied about it a few times, which isn't in my nature.

Thinking that these questions would end after the wedding, I have been relieved that I have only a few more weeks. But a friend of mine and her husband married in their late 30s, and she told me that people still ask her if it's her first marriage, and she hates it -- she thinks it's terribly rude.

You're probably going to tell me to just say "no" and end it at that, but I feel like I need a stock answer that I can spit out that doesn't make me look shady and will make people feel warm and fuzzy and leave me alone. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Some years ago, Miss Manners began to notice that brides writing questions to her were volunteering, "It's my first wedding." Before that, they used to say, "I'm getting married."

Its being the first is not said to justify an all-out wedding, such as used to be considered incorrect for second marriages. First and, for that matter, sixth weddings are pretty much indistinguishable these days. Nor does Miss Manners believe that couples generally regard their marriages as temporary, or are necessarily planning to take the ceremony on the road, as some do.

Sadly, she has come to the conclusion that multiple marriages are now simply considered the norm. Perhaps this explains, but does not excuse, those rude questions. Or perhaps it is that people just have less restraint now on their nosiness.

You are not obliged to tell them, which would only lead to further questions. Just smile and say, "I don't exactly make a habit of it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to offer concern and condolences to someone who has experienced a tragedy as the result of their own poor choices (e.g. legal troubles, reckless motor accident, etc.)?

I realize this is no time for a lecture, and I do not want to give one -- simply to offer kindness and help -- but it seems trite to say, "I'm so sorry X happened" when X was obviously a result of the person's own lack of forethought or good judgment. However, it seems borderline delusional to just ignore it.

GENTLE READER: As there is no shortage of people who enjoy lecturing people in trouble, your unfortunate friends are fortunate to have you.

Miss Manners suggests that you keep reminding yourself to address their current plight, which you can do sympathetically, while carefully avoiding its cause. Thus you would say such things as, "It must be awful to have this case dragging on and on," and, "Can I help you with your groceries until you get your license back?" rather than the modern form of commiseration, "Well, what did you expect?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)