DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 34 and getting married for the second time in about a month. The first marriage, at 20, was pretty dumb and short-lived -- I didn't have a clue about reality. Now, 14 years later, I found the right guy and I'm ready for a real commitment.

In chatting about our wedding plans with different people, I've been asked many times if it's my first marriage. I find myself stumbling over that one, not wanting to admit the stupidity of my immature decision years ago. I even lied about it a few times, which isn't in my nature.

Thinking that these questions would end after the wedding, I have been relieved that I have only a few more weeks. But a friend of mine and her husband married in their late 30s, and she told me that people still ask her if it's her first marriage, and she hates it -- she thinks it's terribly rude.

You're probably going to tell me to just say "no" and end it at that, but I feel like I need a stock answer that I can spit out that doesn't make me look shady and will make people feel warm and fuzzy and leave me alone. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Some years ago, Miss Manners began to notice that brides writing questions to her were volunteering, "It's my first wedding." Before that, they used to say, "I'm getting married."

Its being the first is not said to justify an all-out wedding, such as used to be considered incorrect for second marriages. First and, for that matter, sixth weddings are pretty much indistinguishable these days. Nor does Miss Manners believe that couples generally regard their marriages as temporary, or are necessarily planning to take the ceremony on the road, as some do.

Sadly, she has come to the conclusion that multiple marriages are now simply considered the norm. Perhaps this explains, but does not excuse, those rude questions. Or perhaps it is that people just have less restraint now on their nosiness.

You are not obliged to tell them, which would only lead to further questions. Just smile and say, "I don't exactly make a habit of it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to offer concern and condolences to someone who has experienced a tragedy as the result of their own poor choices (e.g. legal troubles, reckless motor accident, etc.)?

I realize this is no time for a lecture, and I do not want to give one -- simply to offer kindness and help -- but it seems trite to say, "I'm so sorry X happened" when X was obviously a result of the person's own lack of forethought or good judgment. However, it seems borderline delusional to just ignore it.

GENTLE READER: As there is no shortage of people who enjoy lecturing people in trouble, your unfortunate friends are fortunate to have you.

Miss Manners suggests that you keep reminding yourself to address their current plight, which you can do sympathetically, while carefully avoiding its cause. Thus you would say such things as, "It must be awful to have this case dragging on and on," and, "Can I help you with your groceries until you get your license back?" rather than the modern form of commiseration, "Well, what did you expect?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father-in-law passed away due to complications he suffered as a result of a fall. He had been on life support and made the decision to be removed and placed in hospice care.

We knew the day and hour. The family gathered at his bedside to say their farewells. It was a moment fraught with much emotion, but even in the midst of it all, I couldn't help noticing and wondering at the different apparel people chose to wear to this vigil.

I wore a dark-colored skirt and shirt. My husband wore jeans and a plain T-shirt. My mother-in-law had on dark dress slacks and a blouse. My brother-in-law had on a college T-shirt and shorts with sandals, and his wife also wore shorts with sandals. Their (grown) daughter had on a short summer dress.

I don't know what is correct to wear at a time like this. I went with what I might wear to church, since it seemed like a time to be solemn and respectful. Was I correct?

Should I not be worrying about people's clothes at a time like this? What is your advice on what to wear to a deathbed vigil?

GENTLE READER: These are very different questions, and Miss Manners will answer the most important one first.

No, you should not be criticizing what others were wearing at such a time. People do naturally focus on details then, oddly enough. It may be a way of distracting themselves from the awfulness of death. But please put this out of your mind. Many a family feud has started over minor issues in funeral behavior, and it is a poor legacy for the deceased.

That said, Miss Manners does believe in the symbolic value of clothing as a means of showing sorrow and respect at a funeral. And your husband's T shirt and jeans would not qualify, however much your church recognizes this as solemn dress.

Yet this was not a funeral. Your father-in-law was, at least when you arrived, still alive, perhaps even somewhat conscious. Your relatives probably did not think of dressing other than for another hospital visit. And if they did, they may have concluded that it would be jarring for him to see the family in mourning.

You asked what would be correct dress. Miss Manners has had to consult centuries-old paintings showing the deathbeds of saints, where those gathered around seem to be dressed pretty much in the ordinary style of their day. But then, those may not be typical cases.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please confirm that if one is given a gift of earrings, it is bad taste to ask the gifter to get a size larger.

GENTLE READER: You are not talking about someone who has such huge ears that earrings keep disappearing inside them, so larger earrings are needed, Miss Manners gathers.

Even then, the rule would apply that it is rude to complain about a present and to expect the donor to change it, let alone upgrade it. So yes, it is in bad taste to ask for another helping of carats.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece is suddenly taking an interest in our family genealogy, but I wish she wouldn't. She is 20, doing well in college, and never seemed to have self-esteem issues.

A few generations ago, we descended from a prominent French family who are still leaders in business and government. The relation who emigrated to the United States made a new life, shortened his name and did not emphasize his ancestry. We, including my niece's parents and grandparents, are self-made people who never inflated our own importance -- we don't even know any specifics predating the immigration, so we have no details to give her.

This niece has decided to visit France and look up her "cousins." I've tried to dissuade her. She is sure to be hurt and disappointed, for I can't imagine a French diplomat giving more than a perfunctory welcome, if that, to a foreign stranger who arrives out of the blue and claims a connection. It's so intrusive.

My suggestion that she research her ancestry through a library without bothering individuals is falling on deaf ears. She continues to be enthusiastic and determined. Recently, she discovered a castle with the family name and is telling friends that she is related to French "royalty." She chooses to ignore our many blue-collar ancestors.

If she were just having fun looking up the past, I would not be concerned. I love my niece, but her intention to present herself to these distant relatives disturbs me. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Waiting quietly to see how this plays out -- not that you have any other choice. Miss Manners appreciates your distaste for snobbery and your family's pride in self-achievement, but your niece is an adult and must develop her values for herself.

You have no way of knowing how these people will treat her, if, indeed, she can manage to see them. (Whatever their nationality, people who hold high government positions or are rich know how to protect themselves from strangers who claim to be long-lost relatives.) In that case, or if they just snub her, as you imagine, she may be cured of her princess fantasy.

Another possibility is that they may die laughing at her belief that having their name on a castle, which may or may not be in the family's possession, means that they are royal.

But suppose they are welcoming? If they are, as you say, prominent in government and business, your niece will get a whole new lesson in respect for personal achievement. Aristocrats are not assured a free ride in the modern world, and she may well learn about New World values from the Old World.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we're out, my husband places his cloth napkin over his plate when he is finished eating. Is this ever proper? It doesn't bother me, but I am just curious.

GENTLE READER: Has your husband confused this situation with the custom of drawing a sheet over a dead body for decency's sake? Miss Manners is just curious.

What dining decency requires instead is that he spare the waiter and the person who does the laundry from dealing with the mess that that must make.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)