DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude for a man to ask a woman during a first date, "Do you know how to cook?" or "Are you a good cook?"

I have just turned 30 and prefer to date men in their late 30s or early 40s, but find it incredibly rude when this is one of their first questions to me. I seldom cook and cooking is never on the forefront of my mind or on my to-do list, but I am a good cook.

I understand men are looking for a wife and a "good wife" cooks and cleans, but I would never ask a man early on, "How much money do you make?" simply because I am looking for a man who makes a good living. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Being often accused of living in a different era, Miss Manners is loath to suggest that about anyone else.

But for a lady of just 30 years to believe that the basic marital bargain is still that of a husband who provides the income and a wife who cooks and cleans does seem a mite dated. Even aside from the personal objections that individuals of both genders might have, it generally takes two incomes to support a family. And now that male chefs have become superstars, masculine disdain for cooking has surely lessened.

It is possible that you are meeting cooking enthusiasts who want to talk about their hobby. As a conversation opener, this would not be rude, as it would be for you to ask about a gentleman's income.

In any case, you can find out by asking, "Why? Do you like to cook?"

Should it turn out that your suspicions were correct -- should the reply be, "No, I'm looking for someone to do it for me" -- you would be well advised not to consider this if you are interested in finding love along with that income.

You may well be looking for the same division of marital labor, which is fine as long as you are willing to uphold your part of the bargain. But you should not expect romance from someone who treats a date as if it were a job interview.

That is unfortunately a common practice, now that dating services have taught people to state their demands up front, on the grounds that getting to know individuals who do not meet their rigid expectations is a waste of time. It may be, but getting acquainted is how people fall in love, which used to be the general idea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Unfortunately, I live in an area where smoking in public places is still legal and common. Is there a polite way to ask people I go out with not to smoke?

When asked why, what is a more polite answer than saying that it's gross, obnoxious and harmful to my health? The smoker no doubt already knows all of those things.

GENTLE READER: No doubt. Just as there is no doubt that you know your own bad habits, but would not care to have others use that knowledge to insult you.

In places where smoking is permitted, asking people to refrain should be phrased as a favor. "I'm so sorry, but smoke bothers me," Miss Manners expects you to say. "Would you mind not smoking just now?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For a wedding, is it rude to indicate a preferred color of dress? Is it rude to do so on the invitation or on a card sent with the invitation -- by saying, "The wedding is fall themed, please favor colors such as red, orange, and yellow"?

I'm just looking to provide helpful suggestions if people want to match the wedding's theme. I've never had to write wedding invites before, and I really want to avoid being rude about it. The colors wouldn't be a requirement or something like that -- people can wear what they want as long as it's something nice.

GENTLE READER: This is going to come as a shock, but wedding guests are not interested in matching the theme colors of a wedding. They just want to look good, preferably without incurring expense.

If you asked them the next day what the theme colors were, Miss Manners doubts that many would be able to say much beyond, "I think the bridesmaids had some sort of purplish-pink dresses. But maybe they were more blue-greenish. Anyway, the bride wore white."

Brides, however, have become convinced that a themed color scheme is of vital importance, and that they should have dictatorial powers over the wardrobes of the wedding party, without regard to the tastes or budgets of those concerned. Miss Manners has not met with much success in attempting to persuade them that the bridesmaids need not look like a chorus line.

Please do not even suggest that the guests match the decor. They are people, not props.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About a decade ago, my mother asked me to promise that if she ever had a visible hair growing from her chin, I would tell her, or remove it if she weren't able to do so.

Can you give me advice on how best to keep this promise? She is quite fastidious with many things and very capable. I don't want to hurt her feelings.

GENTLE READER: Of all the promises mothers may extract from their children, and of all the qualms children may feel about keeping such promises, yours is surely the simplest.

First, buy tweezers. But you mustn't spring them on her. She may have forgotten the promise, and you don't want to make her think that you are bothered by a mere hair. Rather, you should bring up the promise with some amusement.

Her reaction will tell you what to do. Either continue to look amused, or say, "All right, I'll look if you want me to" and fulfill your promise.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently read a book that used the word "tiffin." The dictionary defined the word as "luncheon," but that did not really fit the context in which the word was used. What is a tiffin?

GENTLE READER: Without having peeked over your shoulder, Miss Manners can tell you that you were reading about British India. That's where and when the term was devised to describe a light meal, whether late morning, at lunch or at tea time.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After years of ill health, I have recently resumed dating. I am 39 and have frequently been told I appear a good deal younger than I am. However, due to my health issues, I have had a partial hysterectomy.

Of course, I know better than to address medical concerns (past or present) at dinner with a gentleman who simply wants a nice evening out. I simply want a nice evening out, too.

But I know that eventually, he might find it useful to learn this aspect of my medical history. I would very much appreciate your advice about how and when to broach this subject.

GENTLE READER: Not to bring up your hysterectomy during dinner is an excellent idea, Miss Manners agrees. Any dinner.

It is never a good idea to put your medical history into general circulation, but this is especially true in regard to a gentleman whose intentions toward you are unknown. As, presumably, are yours toward him.

The matter will become relevant if the two of you begin to discuss having a future together. The notion that people are entitled to intimate information in order to consider whether to pursue the acquaintance is both vulgar and dangerous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I usually eat bacon only at restaurants, and I like only crispy bacon. Which is a better way to request crispy bacon?

A simple, "I would like my bacon crispy, please," and then hope it arrives that way? Or is it better to alert the waiter/waitress that I will send back limp bacon by saying, "I would like my bacon crispy, please. If it isn't, I'll have to return it for crispy bacon."

My daughter prefers the first statement. I think it is nicer to give the waiter a heads-up that I will return it than wait until limp bacon appears and then seem like a hard-to-please customer and request a new order.

This is obviously a minor problem, even in the world of good manners, but could you please tell me the best way to order crispy bacon?

GENTLE READER: There are no minor problems at breakfast. Imagine, for example, that you are a waiter and your day starts with a customer who threatens to complain before she has even ordered.

Therefore Miss Manners would prefer you to inquire, "Is the bacon really crisp?" adding, as if admitting to a charming fault, "I only like it really, really crisp." There will be time enough to send it back if it turns out that your breakfast has been misrepresented.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper thing to do when you show up at an event or meeting wearing the same outfit as another woman? If it is possible to change, should you?

GENTLE READER: That strikes Miss Manners as an awful lot of trouble to take for a minor coincidence. Besides, if it were a rule, both ladies would rush home, and, as they seem to have the same taste, might show up in different identical outfits.

How much better it would be to rush over to the other lady and declare, for all to hear, "What a beautiful dress! You look stunning in it."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)