DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please tell me, and all TV women -- should they sit with their legs crossed at the knee?

I was taught to sit with my legs together and just crossed at the ankle. My daughter is trying to have my granddaughter not cross her legs, but she sees all these TV women sitting that way, which is no help.

GENTLE READER: Which TV women? The ones who appear under their own identities for a somewhat serious reason (noted to exclude reality shows), or actresses and saleswomen?

You will be surprised at which of these Miss Manners will join you in criticizing for their posture.

Traditionally, ladies were taught to cross their ankles on the grounds that it was unladylike to cross their knees. That this gesture made something of an awkward tent of long skirts may have had something do with the lesson.

The biggest change now is that being ladylike is no longer a popular female goal. But there have also been changes in fashion that supply new reasons for the old rule.

Crossed knees in short skirts are distracting, if not actually revealing. Even those who disdain looking ladylike want to be taken seriously when they are making public appearances. For that reason, many wear trousers. It seems reasonable and fair that they could then assume the masculine posture of crossed legs.

But gentlemen (who tend not to be insulted if they are considered gentlemanly) do not cross their knees; at most, they rest one ankle on the other knee. It doesn't look good, which is why they almost never do this in public. And it looks even worse for a lady, especially when it includes a high heel pointed perilously close to the person at her side.

So Miss Manners would advise such ladies to follow the old rule simply because it is less distracting and looks more professional.

For actresses, whether they are playing roles or pitching products, the situation is different. Their profession is being distracting and may well require calling attention to their legs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin is getting married quite soon, and between her and her fiance, they don't need any household goods. They would prefer cash so it can be used to meet the needs that guests and their gifts could not otherwise fulfill, but I was careful to tell my cousin it's still considered tacky to ask for cash when she requested advice.

In this day and age of merging households with no need of housewares and no room for knickknacks, is there any way to ask for money without sounding like a mannerless money-grubber with hands outstretched for donations?

GENTLE READER: No.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The abbreviated version of my name is one that has become popular as a name for pets. How I wish people would return to Rover and Fluffy.

I have found myself blushing and embarrassed when I am introduced to someone and they say, "That's my dog's name!" They often wait for me to reply.

And I struggle terribly. Please help. And I would like to add that I have a perfectly nice name.

GENTLE READER: "Really?" Miss Manners would say deadpan, if she were in your place. "It's a family name. I suppose we're related."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to just call new parents and say, "I am stopping by today," or should people wait to be invited over to see the new baby?

GENTLE READER: How do you imagine that the parents of newborn babies pass the time of day? Hanging around their quiet, orderly homes, hoping for a knock at the door indicating that someone has come along to break the tedium?

So, no, you do not call to say you are stopping by. You call to ask, "Would this be a good time for me to stop by to see the baby? Or would another time be better?"

Miss Manners has no wish to discourage the charming tradition of paying visits to new babies. On the contrary, she is dismayed that the overblown modern baby shower has left many acquaintances feeling, by the time the baby arrives, that they have done quite enough. But surely cooing over an actual infant is more fun than cooing over its wardrobe and equipment.

Just please allow the parents to approve the timing. Showing up unexpectedly and demanding to see a baby who has been coaxed to sleep after three hours of fussing is not a good idea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I take my family out to dinner (we have five kids, so this is a rare treat), is it correct for my wife to thank me for the dinner, in front of the kids, to teach them gratitude? I always pay for dinner.

My wife says no (i.e., it's incorrect). If she thanks me, she says it shows the children that she's not important, so she won't thank me.

GENTLE READER: You might thank your wife for her good sense. What you would be teaching the children is not gratitude, but an unpleasant notion of female economic dependence.

Miss Manners is astonished to find herself condemning any expression of gratitude. She would not dream of objecting if you thanked your wife every time she cooked dinner or did another chore from which you benefited.

But money is different from effort. A mutually respectful couple does not equate earning power with family power. Thus, you did not treat your wife to a restaurant meal; you drew on the family funds to pay for it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who constantly brags about what her boyfriend buys her. Out of the blue, I will get a random text that will state something along the lines of, "Conrad bought me a new handbag. I'm thrilled about it," or a picture of the product saying, "Look at this watch Conrad bought me."

Not only does she send these text messages, but in person all she can talk about is how her boyfriend took her here and there and paid for this and that. It is really obnoxious, and I don't know how to respond in these circumstances because I don't want to come across as rude myself.

The one time I did respond, I kept it short and sweet and said: "Well, that's great. I like the watch. Good for you." She said she thought I would be happier for her. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Well, then, start by saying, "I'm so happy for you." But Miss Manners suggests following this up -- quickly, while your friend is working to come up with another whine -- with, "And what did you get him?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was going down the stairs into the subway during rush hour behind a woman who was moving excruciatingly slowly. I looked to see if she had a physical problem and noticed that she was texting.

I then asked (very politely), "Would you mind finishing texting at the bottom of the stairs?" I naively expected her to apologize.

Instead, she angrily told me that I had no right to tell her when she could text. I mildly replied that she was right and that I was asking, not telling. She shouted that I was telling -- and then I just walked away.

I know that the woman was rude to me, but was I wrong in asking her to not text on the stairs? It was raining, and I and the many people lined up behind her were all getting wet.

GENTLE READER: Let's leave out your presumed selflessness in protecting others from the rain and your willingness to be patient if the delay had been due to a disability. For all you know, the obstructionist could have been texting emergency instructions to save a life, or herself suffering from a non-obvious disability.

This leaves you with the annoyance of being behind a slow person when you were in a hurry. Please, folks, can't you just state your problems without gift-wrapping them in virtues?

Miss Manners counts three rudenesses here, petty ones to be sure, but the kind that sometimes escalate into urban violence. The first was indeed yours, and Miss Manners gives you credit for apologizing. But it was rude of her to snap at you, and even ruder to shout and reject your apology.

All this could have been avoided if you had addressed your problem, instead of the other person's activity. "Excuse me, may I get by? A lot of us are caught in the rain," is unlikely to have brought on that defensive tirade.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it traditional for the bride to pick the place and time for a wedding?

GENTLE READER: It never used to be. Really.

Miss Manners supposes that you are thinking of an era when a bride's parents had the entire responsibility for giving the wedding, and the bride herself was too young, dependent and inexperienced in entertaining to announce that she would make all the decisions but would allow them to pay all the bills.

They probably took her preferences into consideration, perhaps also on the choice of the bridegroom, but they were in charge.

You may have noticed that things have changed. The bride has grown up, the power has shifted, and -- amazingly enough -- the existence of the bridegroom and his family has been noticed.

Also, the choice of venue has become complicated when the couple, no longer the girl and boy who grew up next door, may be living on their own, away from their respective parents' homes.

Therefore, although everyone does now concede that the two of them (although collectively referred to as "the bride") make the decision, the proper procedure is for them to consult the wishes of their parents and consider the convenience of their guests.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)