DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a recently married woman, I must admit that I broke traditional protocol in addressing invitations, and I hope that others will do the same for me.

I kept my maiden name, and I have numerous friends who did the same. Rather than addressing them in the "appropriate way," which would be "Ms. X Smith" followed by "Mr. Y Jones" on the next line, I addressed them as "Mr. and Mrs. Y Jones and X Smith." When I address things solely to the woman in such a couple (and what I prefer to receive), I address it to "Ms. X Smith."

I feel that addressing it as such is a more appropriate way to honor the sincerity and depth of the married relationship as well as the independence of the two individuals, which is generally the intention of keeping one's last name. (As an aside, we both intend for our children to solely have their father's last name, as I kept my father's.)

I feel that etiquette has fallen a bit behind the intent of keeping one's last name and should be helped along in this regard.

I married my husband because we love each other enough to have each committed our lives to each other, and we approach life as a couple and as a team, not as two individuals who happen to share an address -- which I feel the "correct" way of address implies. (It is the same way you would address an envelope to roommates who happen to be different genders, which I did also have on my guest list, and addressed them as such.)

As an authority on manners, can you help society work this out?

GENTLE READER: As an authority on manners, Miss Manners regrets that she cannot recognize you as a fellow authority. In the manners business, we do not grant ourselves privileges that we deny to others.

Etiquette did move ahead on the issue of surnames for married females -- from a standard formula that enfolded the wives' identity into the husbands' to allowing free choice.

As there is no practical way of recognizing all ancestry, we now have a wide variety. There are ladies, not all of them antique, who prefer the old form. Others may use the husband's surname but with their own first names; still others retain their birth names, or hyphenate the two surnames, or create an entirely different one. Couples may use the father's surname for the children, or a hyphenated name, or alternate the two surnames when there is more than one child.

You have made your choice among all these possibilities. Why cannot you respect others' right to do the same?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to send announcements that a couple is celebrating a 50th anniversary if there will not be a huge party? We're having a small family getaway trip for a week.

GENTLE READER: And why is it, exactly, that you believe that others need to know?

Or should Miss Manners be asking what is it, exactly, that you expect them to do about it?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live on a small cul-de-sac in a gated community in an area where hurricanes are not uncommon. As a consequence, we invested in a whole-house generator.

We have lived in the area only a short time, but our next-door neighbors made clear their expectations of us early on. They told us they would help themselves to the limes from our lime tree, for example. They have also told us on more than one occasion that when weather causes a power outage, they expect to stay with us. When a hurricane is approaching, we don't how to gently dissuade them from moving in with us.

GENTLE READER: When a hurricane is approaching, it will be a bit late to turn people from your door. Simple humanity requires you to protect even disagreeable people from imminent danger.

Your neighbors do sound disagreeable, and as they do not recognize boundaries, as it were, you do need to establish some rules. About those limes, for example. At the time they announced intentions to steal them, you could have asked pleasantly what they proposed to give you in return. And even now, you can drop the remark that you are planning to use all those limes, so if they were serious about pilfering, would they please kindly refrain.

You should also have a talk about hurricanes. "I'm concerned about you, because we may not be able to help," you can say. "When a hurricane happens to strike, it could be at a time when we are away, or we could have a full house. You really need to plan for your own safety."

Alternatively, you could revert to the idea of reciprocity. "As we have the generator, and you plan to come here, why don't you help us stock up for emergencies? If you would provide canned goods and water now, we'll keep them here for when we all need them."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely tell parents that when my 13-year-old daughter invites their girls for a sleepover, it's not an invitation to let the parents spend a night on the town, then retrieve their children very late that night?

Often a parent will reply to our overnight invite by telling us they'll come by to get their girl at 10 or 11 p.m. This means I'm unable to close up my house, get into my pajamas, relax and get to bed -- because I'm waiting for these parents to show up at the door.

Their responses are always couched very politely: "We would love for Lucy to come over! But we need to retrieve her at 10 because she has an early morning appointment." I can't really say, "Sorry, this was a sleepover invite, not a baby-sitting job." Advice?

GENTLE READER: Just some judicious editing to the remark you admit you cannot make. Miss Manners' version is: "Oh, dear, I'm so sorry -- and Lily will be so sorry that Lucy can't be here for the sleepover. I'm sure she'll want to invite her another time, when Lucy can stay overnight."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I will be starting a family soon, and many conversations with my in-laws lead me to believe that we will experience "difficulties" with them during the hospital delivery of our child.

I come from a family where having a child is not a huge spectacle, and it is not a tradition for the entire family to haul off immediately to the hospital when a new baby arrives. This is very common in my husband's family -- we've witnessed it with my brother and sister-in-law.

While I certainly will not deny any of our family the opportunity to see the new bundle of joy after birth, I do prefer that I not be expected to be "on" for visitors shortly after labor and delivery. We would prefer family be invited to the hospital to see us and the new baby after an appropriate period of rest for the new mom (and dad!) after the birth -- say, five or six hours or so, enough to recover a bit.

I do not feel this is too much to ask. But my mother-in-law and additional in-laws will be very upset if we make these wishes known. Is it inappropriate for us to want this? If not, how can we delicately put it so family is not offended?

GENTLE READER: This problem could have been so much worse. Miss Manners has heard complaints of grandparents who want to be present at the actual birth, and of parents who want five or six days or weeks to themselves before presenting the new baby.

So no, Miss Manners does not consider your request too much to ask -- but then, neither is theirs. Here is how you manage:

When the baby is born, your husband first calls his parents, telling them the gender and name, if not already known; the weight, how things went, and that he can't quite tell, but maybe the baby looks like their side of the family. When they say they'll be right there, he can honestly say that the baby has to be taken off for the routine examination, and he'll call back with the results, but first he has to call the other relatives.

Notice that all this takes time, especially as the other relatives' lines will be busy because his parents are also calling them.

When those calls are completed, he calls his parents back, saying that the baby is fine. (If there are any problems, he need only tell them, at this point, that the baby is still with the doctor.)

They say they'll be right there. He asks them first to please call the other relatives to report that the baby is fine, because he is exhausted and wants to catch a short nap while the new mother gets some sleep.

Then he asks them to round everyone up, bring champagne (or a particular snack that he thinks you would enjoy and that takes time to go buy) and to come celebrate at -- well, by now, he should be able to suggest a time that is only three or four hours later.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should you do with the seeds of the watermelon while you're eating it? Spit them on your plate?

GENTLE READER: Watermelon spitting contests are properly held outdoors, not at a dining table. There the seed should be quietly slipped into the cupped hand and then unobtrusively transferred to the plate.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)