DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I will be starting a family soon, and many conversations with my in-laws lead me to believe that we will experience "difficulties" with them during the hospital delivery of our child.

I come from a family where having a child is not a huge spectacle, and it is not a tradition for the entire family to haul off immediately to the hospital when a new baby arrives. This is very common in my husband's family -- we've witnessed it with my brother and sister-in-law.

While I certainly will not deny any of our family the opportunity to see the new bundle of joy after birth, I do prefer that I not be expected to be "on" for visitors shortly after labor and delivery. We would prefer family be invited to the hospital to see us and the new baby after an appropriate period of rest for the new mom (and dad!) after the birth -- say, five or six hours or so, enough to recover a bit.

I do not feel this is too much to ask. But my mother-in-law and additional in-laws will be very upset if we make these wishes known. Is it inappropriate for us to want this? If not, how can we delicately put it so family is not offended?

GENTLE READER: This problem could have been so much worse. Miss Manners has heard complaints of grandparents who want to be present at the actual birth, and of parents who want five or six days or weeks to themselves before presenting the new baby.

So no, Miss Manners does not consider your request too much to ask -- but then, neither is theirs. Here is how you manage:

When the baby is born, your husband first calls his parents, telling them the gender and name, if not already known; the weight, how things went, and that he can't quite tell, but maybe the baby looks like their side of the family. When they say they'll be right there, he can honestly say that the baby has to be taken off for the routine examination, and he'll call back with the results, but first he has to call the other relatives.

Notice that all this takes time, especially as the other relatives' lines will be busy because his parents are also calling them.

When those calls are completed, he calls his parents back, saying that the baby is fine. (If there are any problems, he need only tell them, at this point, that the baby is still with the doctor.)

They say they'll be right there. He asks them first to please call the other relatives to report that the baby is fine, because he is exhausted and wants to catch a short nap while the new mother gets some sleep.

Then he asks them to round everyone up, bring champagne (or a particular snack that he thinks you would enjoy and that takes time to go buy) and to come celebrate at -- well, by now, he should be able to suggest a time that is only three or four hours later.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should you do with the seeds of the watermelon while you're eating it? Spit them on your plate?

GENTLE READER: Watermelon spitting contests are properly held outdoors, not at a dining table. There the seed should be quietly slipped into the cupped hand and then unobtrusively transferred to the plate.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband recently passed away and my youngest child will be going off to college in the fall. What do I say to all the people (and there are many) who tell me, "Pretty soon you'll be all alone"?

Would it be rude to say, "Thank you for reminding me," or must I lie and say I'm looking forward to the empty nest, so as not to hurt their feelings?

GENTLE READER: Well, their feelings are not especially delicate, are they?

Still, Miss Manners does not care for either of the responses you suggest. The first is not only rude, but pathetic, and the second is insulting to your child. Many parents do crow about their children leaving, whether defensively or genuinely, but it speaks badly of their family bonds.

She offers you a better choice. If you can bring it off with a somewhat derisive laugh, you could say: "Why, I'm not being abandoned, you know. My child is just going to college. We're both very excited about that."

Or you could just say coldly: "How kind of you to worry about me. Fortunately, I do have friends."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was contacted by someone telling me of the serious illness of a family member, an older person who was abusive to me when I was a child, and who has been destructive and thoughtless to me throughout my entire life.

The person who contacted me seems to be using this situation as a "guilt trip" -- in a continuing game of one-upmanship. They manipulate me into having to be nice to someone who has been cruel to me throughout my life.

I know I could be noble, send flowers and be kind, and forget my hurt. But at the moment, I am in the middle of an environmental disaster -- hit by storms from the big Midwestern tornado event, which destroyed some of my property and buildings of my home. I am still cleaning up and am in the midst of horrible work trying to recover from this natural disaster.

What does etiquette demand? Or rather, how can I best take care of myself at this horrible time, and not come across as rude to the family that is demanding my presence at the funeral of a person who was hateful to me when I was a child, bizarre and thoughtless when I was a teenager, and committed another cruel gesture toward me as an adult (that one was really off the charts, in terms of viciousness and just plain blind thoughtlessness)?

GENTLE READER: As far as Miss Manners can tell, your relatives have not succeeded in making you feel guilty. You seem quite clear about not honoring someone who was dishonorable to you. So the etiquette question is how best to handle their pressure.

Ordinarily, you would be forced to say, probably repeatedly, "I am sorry, but I cannot go. He (or she) would know the reasons" (reasons which you would decline to discuss).

But if ever there was a silver lining to a disaster, it is the ironclad excuse it gave you. "I don't know if you are aware of how badly the tornado affected me," you should say, as they do not seem to have made sympathetic allowance for that, "but I can't possibly leave at this time."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received many thank-you notes for baby gifts from the baby itself, even before the baby has been born, and certainly before the baby is able to comprehend a gift or properly thank people for their generosity.

As I am about to give birth to our first child, I was curious about etiquette when receiving gifts "for" the child, but, if we are all honest, are really for the parents. Should the thank-you note come from the baby or the parents?

GENTLE READER: Strict as she is about handwritten letters of thanks, Miss Manners is willing to excuse newborns who delegate this task. However, they should be careful to choose scriveners who have a sense of what is appropriate to whom.

Family members and other new parents are the most likely to be enchanted by -- or at least not disdainful of -- letters that purport to be written by infants. People who are not closely related to babies at the moment tend to be less charmed, sometimes to the point of claiming nausea. But you know the individuals and should gauge your letters accordingly.

That the baby has not registered -- or at least not voiced -- appreciation should not stop you from citing him or her in your letter: "Tabitha adores the little lamb you gave her" or, "Everett looks incredibly cute in his sailor suit."

Hang on just a few more years, and you will only have to nag your child to write his or her own letters.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I dislike my in-laws for many reasons, but I struggle with one issue because I think my bias clouds my judgment.

They live two hours away from my husband and our two children, and like to visit frequently (every four to six weeks), often staying for two nights or so. They are very much set in their ways. They drink a particular kind of soda and must bring it with them. They also bring their own cereal and sometimes other snacks and food.

My pantry is not barren. We have other drinks in the refrigerator. We have a wide variety of food.

As a hostess, do I have the duty to stock our refrigerator and pantry with the foods they like? My instinct is to be upset because what we have isn't good enough, but I do not know if that is because of my bias.

GENTLE READER: It is because of your bias.

Actually, Miss Manners understands what a strain it must be to have frequent houseguests whom you dislike for whatever reasons. As you suspect, that makes their every little move irritating in a way that might not affect you from people you like.

But that does not excuse you from being gracious to your guests. Knowing their modest preferences and yet refusing to stock them is just mean. These visits will be more bearable for you if you do not hunt for more ways to justify your dislike.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)