DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece will be getting married in a few months. Her fiance is wonderful, but his mother is known to have some control issues.

She offered her wedding dress to my niece, saying (as she wept) that she didn't have a daughter (she has three sons) and that there was no pressure. My niece has decided to wear the dress after having it altered, in an effort to please her future mother-in-law.

My niece's mother doesn't want to cause any problems, so she is staying out of it. I am of the opinion that it was entirely inappropriate to put my niece in such an awkward position.

Was it appropriate for her to make such a request? While she may not have a daughter, my niece's mother does, and the request from the future mother-in-law was, in my opinion, an insult to my niece's mother.

Is there anything to be done, or should I just stay out of it?

GENTLE READER: Your case for staying in must be that unlike the bride, you do not care to please the mother-in-law, and unlike the bride's mother, you do not mind causing problems. So -- speaking of control issues -- you propose taking control.

Frankly, Miss Manners thought the tearful offer of the dress touching. She cannot imagine how it could be construed as an insult to the bride's mother, unless the bride was going to wear that lady's dress, and the mother-in-law demanded that she wear hers instead.

In any case, it is neither prudent nor kind to attempt thwarting the wishes and overturning the decisions of three people more closely concerned than you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a place where the houses are close together. When we first moved in, the neighbors on the left invited us over for dinner right away.

We want to reciprocate, but my husband and I are having a disagreement over whether we also need to invite the neighbors on the right. His feeling is that because the houses are so close (and we will probably eat outside, and/or the kids will play outside before and after dinner), the neighbors on the right will hear us and be offended that they weren't included.

My feeling is that in such close quarters, you have to pretend you don't know your neighbors' business so they have no need to be offended, and that the only obligation is to reciprocate to the neighbors who had us over.

What is the right thing to do?

GENTLE READER: While agreeing with your point about neighbors needing to ignore what is accidentally overseen or heard, Miss Manners much prefers your husband's position.

It is true that you are not obligated to your neighbors on the right. But then, the neighbors on the left were not obligated to you when they invited you. Is your object to discharge your debt, or to have friendly relations with your neighbors?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am extremely lucky to have parents who are able to pay for college for me. I don't qualify for or need any financial aid.

I've been in a few situations where people start giving me advice on how to get financial aid. What is the best way to respond? I usually smile and say, "Thanks, but my parents can pay for my college," and then they usually say, "Oh." It's a bit awkward, and I feel like a spoiled brat. Is there a better way to handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: How about: "Yes, we know how tough it is. That's why my family endows scholarships for those less fortunate than we are."

No, Miss Manners supposes not. Not even if it were true -- and unlike your helpful acquaintances, she does not make assumptions about other people's finances.

Just say, "Thank you, but that's taken care of." Should anyone be so rude as to ask how, the answer is, "We've made arrangements."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in a small town where many people know almost everyone else. In the past two years, fundraisers have been held for a child with a brain tumor, two women with cancer, and a young mother who was seriously injured in an auto crash. All but one of the individuals survived.

Response to the fundraisers was exceptional. We made donations directly to the individuals.

None of the individuals or their family or friends who sponsored the fundraisers acknowledged our gift or the personal note we included with each donation, two of which were substantial. Are we expecting too much, or is this the new norm for manners?

GENTLE READER: If it is, it will soon be the end of such generosity as you and your fellow townspeople have expressed. Generosity and gratitude are inseparably linked.

Miss Manners knows to expect two dissenting reactions to that statement:

One is the standard defense by youngsters who haven't thanked their grandmothers for sending them checks -- that Grandma must be really selfish to expect any return, rather than doing it for the pure love of giving. This is a bit like saying that it isn't true love if you care about being loved in return.

The other defense is that people in the midst of tragedy are excused from being grateful. But that is exactly when you find out who the compassionate and generous people are. Are those really the people you want to blow off?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When one just "drops in," what is an acceptable time to stay?

GENTLE READER: The rule, when people routinely paid unannounced visits on one another, was 15 minutes. A gentleman was not supposed to give up his hat, but park it next to himself as proof that he wouldn't be a serious disruption to any plans his host may have.

But, as Miss Manners recalls, that was before the invention of the telephone, which miraculously allowed would-be visitors to inquire first about the host's convenience. If they fail to use it, she considers that the 15-minute rule still applies.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in Hawaii, and having just had back-to-back houseguests, I am at my wits' end.

The first set of guests were short on money, so I offered to let them use my car while they were here so that they could see the island. Instead, they chose to sit in the house. "Oh, we're here to see you."

I am self-employed and work at home, and I can't get any work done with them here. If they do finally go somewhere, they are crushed if I won't go with them, and say so. This is highly frustrating.

The second set of guests had plenty of money to go places and had a rental car, but still chose to stay at the house for most of the week, saying, "Oh, we are here to see you." My entire routine is disrupted. Not only do I not get any work done, I don't even get my exercise in, because I exercise to a DVD in my living room, and they are sitting there!

And don't even get me started on how many times I feed these people, and they don't offer to pay for groceries. Our electric bill in Hawaii is five times higher than that on the mainland, so our bill will go up at least $100 while guests are here, probably more.

One of the complaints is that we live so far from the beach. It's expensive to live at the beach! One beach is 20 minutes from the house; the other beaches are 50 minutes from the house. So instead of driving there, they sit in the house.

I know others in resort areas who have all the same problems. One friend says she wishes she could tell her guests, "Fly, little birdies, fly!" (Go somewhere ... anywhere!)

I feel like I am a prisoner in my home for a week at a time when people are here. They also don't bother to ask if the timing is good ... or if we've just had guests. They just call and say they are planning to come on these dates, because those dates work for them.

How does one handle these situations?

GENTLE READER: It is not how so much as when.

Miss Manners presumes that even if you didn't issue these people some sort of invitation, you at least agreed to their proposals to visit. They didn't break down your door.

Here, in ascending order, is a choice of things you could say when asked:

(1) "Oh, I'm so sorry, but this is just a bad time for us. What a shame -- we would have loved to see you. Please let us know when you'll be here again."

(2) "Wonderful, we'll be so happy to see you. I wish we could ask you to stay with us, but I can't. Would you like me to recommend some hotels?"

(3) "We'd love to have you; would the 12th to the 15th work? And you do know I work at home, so you'll be on your own during the day, but I so much look forward to evenings together."

(4) "Ah, sure."

You've been picking No. 4, haven't you?

Well, during your welcome and orientation to the house, you can still say the part about being on their own. But if you continue to abdicate control over your own house, Miss Manners cannot help you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)