DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in Hawaii, and having just had back-to-back houseguests, I am at my wits' end.

The first set of guests were short on money, so I offered to let them use my car while they were here so that they could see the island. Instead, they chose to sit in the house. "Oh, we're here to see you."

I am self-employed and work at home, and I can't get any work done with them here. If they do finally go somewhere, they are crushed if I won't go with them, and say so. This is highly frustrating.

The second set of guests had plenty of money to go places and had a rental car, but still chose to stay at the house for most of the week, saying, "Oh, we are here to see you." My entire routine is disrupted. Not only do I not get any work done, I don't even get my exercise in, because I exercise to a DVD in my living room, and they are sitting there!

And don't even get me started on how many times I feed these people, and they don't offer to pay for groceries. Our electric bill in Hawaii is five times higher than that on the mainland, so our bill will go up at least $100 while guests are here, probably more.

One of the complaints is that we live so far from the beach. It's expensive to live at the beach! One beach is 20 minutes from the house; the other beaches are 50 minutes from the house. So instead of driving there, they sit in the house.

I know others in resort areas who have all the same problems. One friend says she wishes she could tell her guests, "Fly, little birdies, fly!" (Go somewhere ... anywhere!)

I feel like I am a prisoner in my home for a week at a time when people are here. They also don't bother to ask if the timing is good ... or if we've just had guests. They just call and say they are planning to come on these dates, because those dates work for them.

How does one handle these situations?

GENTLE READER: It is not how so much as when.

Miss Manners presumes that even if you didn't issue these people some sort of invitation, you at least agreed to their proposals to visit. They didn't break down your door.

Here, in ascending order, is a choice of things you could say when asked:

(1) "Oh, I'm so sorry, but this is just a bad time for us. What a shame -- we would have loved to see you. Please let us know when you'll be here again."

(2) "Wonderful, we'll be so happy to see you. I wish we could ask you to stay with us, but I can't. Would you like me to recommend some hotels?"

(3) "We'd love to have you; would the 12th to the 15th work? And you do know I work at home, so you'll be on your own during the day, but I so much look forward to evenings together."

(4) "Ah, sure."

You've been picking No. 4, haven't you?

Well, during your welcome and orientation to the house, you can still say the part about being on their own. But if you continue to abdicate control over your own house, Miss Manners cannot help you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm afraid I have handled something badly. My circle of friends throws a lot of celebrations. This year a friend invited me to her engagement party, bridal shower, kitchen tea, a "Yes to the Dress" shopping trip and luncheon, her housewarming, a bachelorette party and her wedding.

I am thrilled for her and happy to celebrate -- just not quite so often. The cost of these events and for the expected gifts is extravagant, and frankly I've been yearning to have more of my limited free time to myself.

I sent RSVPs saying I was unable to attend the kitchen tea and housewarming, but I attended all the other events and will attend the wedding. Unfortunately, on the day of the kitchen tea, my boyfriend "tagged" me on Facebook as being at the movies with him.

My friend is now furious with me for missing her party in favor of a movie. Is there any way I can explain myself without sounding like a selfish cheapskate? What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: You call this celebrating a wedding? It strikes Miss Manners as a system of taxes levied in connection with a coronation -- but normally leading, instead, to a revolution. Are you really the only victim who has (in your timid way) revolted?

Do you really think that you can placate a tyrant by explaining that you have a life outside of paying tribute to her? If your friend understood that, she would never have staged or permitted an endless series of events in her own honor, or wanted to subject her friends to more than one major present-giving event (the wedding) and one minor one.

Nor would any decent person chastise another for declining an invitation.

As you have not acted badly, you have no need to apologize. Instead, Miss Manners suggests saying: "Yes, we had a lovely evening, and the movie was great. Zeke and I don't get to spend nearly enough time together, just the two of us. I imagine that must be an even worse problem for you and Jasper, having to do that constant round of parties."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised in a large family where we were taught to clean our plates, and yes, I am a little overweight as a result. I am embarrassed when a restaurant server makes comments regarding the quantity of food on my plate, or the fact that I finished it all.

These comments may take the form of, "Gee, you're going to have to work hard to burn up all that" or, "Gosh, you really liked that, didn't you?"

Am I being overly sensitive, or is it incorrect for a waiter to call attention to the amount that you ate or might eat?

GENTLE READER: It would be incorrect for anyone except your doctor to comment on your eating habits, but nowadays just about everyone does.

Why a waiter would imply that it was a surprise that the food was edible, Miss Manners cannot imagine. She gives you leave to ask, "Oh, do most people not enjoy the food here?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been married 12 1/2 years. He once lost his original wedding band, and we got another one. (Maybe 10-plus years ago -- a while back.)

Today, he "surprised" me with his Father's Day gift of a new wedding band. His replaced one had gotten too small and needed to be re-sized. Obviously, the salesman was a good one.

Truth is, I love it -- it's just perfect -- but I feel like I should have been a part of it. The kids (we have three) had been telling me there was a surprise for me at home. That's what the surprise was. He bought himself a new wedding band. For Father's Day, no less.

I feel awful for being upset with him. He says, "Why are you upset? This is the ring I wear and shows that I love you."

GENTLE READER: Funny, Miss Manners is wondering the same thing. Why are you upset?

Is it possible that a third enactment of the ritual of giving him a ring is more important to you than his feelings?

He has now told you plainly what this act symbolized to him. Anyway, you should have been able to deduce that from his planning it as a holiday surprise, a demonstration of his pride in the family. He actually used a day when appreciation would ordinarily be directed to himself.

And you have told him -- and the children, who were in on the plan -- that loving intentions don't count; that you get to decide how things should be done. Miss Manners would think that you would want to cancel that ungracious lesson as best you can.

This is a case in which explaining your own feelings would make things worse. The implication would be that your husband should have known them. Rather, it should be an apology, combined with a show of appreciation -- "Forgive me for not understanding what a sweet, loving gesture this was" -- and it should be made in front of the children, as they were in on the surprise.

But now that Miss Manners has scolded you, she will attend to those feelings of yours. To compensate for your not having participated in buying the ring, she suggests you say: "It's so beautiful. Will you let me take it to be engraved with our initials and our wedding date?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every time I go to virtually any chain retail outlet these days, I am asked at checkout for my "club" card. As you know, belonging to these exclusive "clubs" involves divulging, at a minimum, one's phone number, ZIP code and email address. I prefer not to release this personal information, even if it means giving up a slightly better value.

So how should I respond to the insistent clerks who act as if I'm some kind of idiot for passing up the "free" benefits? I'm tired of explaining myself, and a simple "No" doesn't seem to work.

GENTLE READER: Then try a more elaborate no: "Thank you, but I said no. May I still make this purchase?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)