DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm afraid I have handled something badly. My circle of friends throws a lot of celebrations. This year a friend invited me to her engagement party, bridal shower, kitchen tea, a "Yes to the Dress" shopping trip and luncheon, her housewarming, a bachelorette party and her wedding.

I am thrilled for her and happy to celebrate -- just not quite so often. The cost of these events and for the expected gifts is extravagant, and frankly I've been yearning to have more of my limited free time to myself.

I sent RSVPs saying I was unable to attend the kitchen tea and housewarming, but I attended all the other events and will attend the wedding. Unfortunately, on the day of the kitchen tea, my boyfriend "tagged" me on Facebook as being at the movies with him.

My friend is now furious with me for missing her party in favor of a movie. Is there any way I can explain myself without sounding like a selfish cheapskate? What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: You call this celebrating a wedding? It strikes Miss Manners as a system of taxes levied in connection with a coronation -- but normally leading, instead, to a revolution. Are you really the only victim who has (in your timid way) revolted?

Do you really think that you can placate a tyrant by explaining that you have a life outside of paying tribute to her? If your friend understood that, she would never have staged or permitted an endless series of events in her own honor, or wanted to subject her friends to more than one major present-giving event (the wedding) and one minor one.

Nor would any decent person chastise another for declining an invitation.

As you have not acted badly, you have no need to apologize. Instead, Miss Manners suggests saying: "Yes, we had a lovely evening, and the movie was great. Zeke and I don't get to spend nearly enough time together, just the two of us. I imagine that must be an even worse problem for you and Jasper, having to do that constant round of parties."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised in a large family where we were taught to clean our plates, and yes, I am a little overweight as a result. I am embarrassed when a restaurant server makes comments regarding the quantity of food on my plate, or the fact that I finished it all.

These comments may take the form of, "Gee, you're going to have to work hard to burn up all that" or, "Gosh, you really liked that, didn't you?"

Am I being overly sensitive, or is it incorrect for a waiter to call attention to the amount that you ate or might eat?

GENTLE READER: It would be incorrect for anyone except your doctor to comment on your eating habits, but nowadays just about everyone does.

Why a waiter would imply that it was a surprise that the food was edible, Miss Manners cannot imagine. She gives you leave to ask, "Oh, do most people not enjoy the food here?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been married 12 1/2 years. He once lost his original wedding band, and we got another one. (Maybe 10-plus years ago -- a while back.)

Today, he "surprised" me with his Father's Day gift of a new wedding band. His replaced one had gotten too small and needed to be re-sized. Obviously, the salesman was a good one.

Truth is, I love it -- it's just perfect -- but I feel like I should have been a part of it. The kids (we have three) had been telling me there was a surprise for me at home. That's what the surprise was. He bought himself a new wedding band. For Father's Day, no less.

I feel awful for being upset with him. He says, "Why are you upset? This is the ring I wear and shows that I love you."

GENTLE READER: Funny, Miss Manners is wondering the same thing. Why are you upset?

Is it possible that a third enactment of the ritual of giving him a ring is more important to you than his feelings?

He has now told you plainly what this act symbolized to him. Anyway, you should have been able to deduce that from his planning it as a holiday surprise, a demonstration of his pride in the family. He actually used a day when appreciation would ordinarily be directed to himself.

And you have told him -- and the children, who were in on the plan -- that loving intentions don't count; that you get to decide how things should be done. Miss Manners would think that you would want to cancel that ungracious lesson as best you can.

This is a case in which explaining your own feelings would make things worse. The implication would be that your husband should have known them. Rather, it should be an apology, combined with a show of appreciation -- "Forgive me for not understanding what a sweet, loving gesture this was" -- and it should be made in front of the children, as they were in on the surprise.

But now that Miss Manners has scolded you, she will attend to those feelings of yours. To compensate for your not having participated in buying the ring, she suggests you say: "It's so beautiful. Will you let me take it to be engraved with our initials and our wedding date?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every time I go to virtually any chain retail outlet these days, I am asked at checkout for my "club" card. As you know, belonging to these exclusive "clubs" involves divulging, at a minimum, one's phone number, ZIP code and email address. I prefer not to release this personal information, even if it means giving up a slightly better value.

So how should I respond to the insistent clerks who act as if I'm some kind of idiot for passing up the "free" benefits? I'm tired of explaining myself, and a simple "No" doesn't seem to work.

GENTLE READER: Then try a more elaborate no: "Thank you, but I said no. May I still make this purchase?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had an overnight guest who proudly informed me the next day that I need not change the linens on the bed since he had not slept between the sheets!

I was appalled but did not feel it was appropriate to inquire exactly where he actually slept. I assumed it was on top of the blanket and under the quilt since this occurred in the wintertime.

This is not the first time this type of thing has happened, although in the past the guest was a young adult and I assumed it was just youthful ignorance. This time the guest was my father-in-law!

Of course, I still had to strip the bed of all linens, including the blanket and quilt, and launder everything. How does a hostess politely explain that she expects her guests to sleep between the sheets and that not doing so creates more, not less, work for her?

GENTLE READER: Guests who invent odd schemes to avoid being troublesome can be a nuisance, Miss Manners agrees. It is not only annoying, but also faintly insulting to presume that a host so resents the normal housework connected with entertaining as to be grateful to a guest who refrains from using the simple amenities. Plus, as you point out, it can create extra work.

Presumably, your father-in-law will be visiting again. You should invest in a washable blanket cover, which is something very like a sheet. Or a duvet with a washable cover.

Another precaution would be to say graciously, on the next visit, "I know you like to sleep on top of the bed, so I've had the blanket cleaned for you." If he protests, you must reply, "No, no, it was no trouble at all. I want you to be comfortable."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young cousin has recently graduated from high school. His mother asked my uncle, another aunt and her husband, and my fiance and me to pitch in $200 each to purchase a computer for him to use in college.

All of us agreed to do so. She decided that the computer we chose was inadequate and took it upon herself to upgrade it to a more expensive model. She is now requesting that we increase our contribution to $600 each.

Understand that I love my cousin dearly. However, I feel substantially burdened by this request. It was a pinch for me to find the $200, and another $400 seems unreasonable. I would like your opinion, please.

GENTLE READER: It is that this is what naturally comes of allowing people to dictate their own -- or in this case, a son's -- presents. Instead of gratitude, you get a demand to upgrade.

Miss Manners advises the contributors to give the mother one answer, so that those who feel shamed into giving more do not put pressure on others. It should be a polite but firm statement that you regret that your present isn't satisfactory, but of course she is free to improve upon it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)