DEAR MISS MANNERS: As my son is attending his very first formal, I realize that I am unaware of the rule of dress for this occasion. For example, isn't my son's tie supposed to coordinate with his date's dress? What style of suit is appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Well, there are rules, and then there are rules. You could use Miss Manners' rules for gentlemen's evening dress, which are strict about black ties being black ties, no funny business allowed. This might teach him to respect dignity -- or it could traumatize him as violating high school custom.

A compromise might be in order. Ask him to inquire about what is expected -- first from the sponsors of the dance, and then from his peers. The sponsors will know whether the boys customarily rent formal evening clothes or wear suits. Your son's female peers can tell him about his date's expectations in the way of flowers and coordinated ties.

Just don't encourage him to ask his male peers. Teenage boys like to think they are satirizing formality, when they don't actually know what formality is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A male friend who, to the best of my knowledge, was not led on in any way to believe I had feelings beyond friendship for him, proposed to me on Valentine's Day. I was completely blown out of the water.

I said: "I am your friend and do not feel anything else for you. I can't accept your proposal, but I hope we can continue to be friends." He agreed, but has not contacted me since.

I figure he needs time to come around, but my sister says that I was cruel in how I declined. Is there a proper way to turn down a proposal with minimal bruised feelings?

GENTLE READER: There is only one response to a marriage proposal that is not thought cruel by the proposer: "Yes."

Of course it is galling to be offered friendship when one had hoped to inspire passionate love. However, Miss Manners can assure your sister that it is a great deal kinder than the popular alternative: explaining what it is about that person that failed to kindle romance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering if it is a new thing to send graduation announcements for children that have graduated two years ago, with an address to send the well wishes to?

I received an announcement about two children who have graduated college, one in 2010 and one in 2011, with the separate addresses to where we could send our well wishes. I did not think this was appropriate, but I'm not up on the new trends.

GENTLE READER: Is that what they learned in college -- that you can hand things in whenever you feel like it?

But Miss Manners would have flunked them on content, anyway. "New trend" or not, it is rude to solicit good wishes, even if we believe that that was what they had in mind.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The time for school graduation ceremonies is upon us again. Unfortunately, I've been witnessing that in recent years, polite applause and inward pride are steadily losing ground to ear-piercing whistles and hooting and hollering like banshees upon hearing a loved one's name read.

Some students have taken to unashamedly making assorted gestures intended to elicit additional outbursts from the audience. Moreover, they are being fully indulged by their friends and relatives.

Another growing practice is to laden graduates with innumerable flower leis, some apparently in competition for heaviest or most money spent. Such audacious draperies undermine the school's traditional colors, if not also making at least a few students merely wearing a cap and gown feel less appreciated.

Besides making what used to be dignified events uncomfortably loud for others around them, the excessive celebrants are drowning out the names of subsequent students filing past the podium. Effectively, they are stealing irreplaceable moments of joy from other families.

It's all so tasteless and rude. What might you suggest be done to bring decorum back to these increasingly unbecoming spectacles?

GENTLE READER: Well, the school principals are trying, as you may have noticed. If it weren't for all that noise, you would be able to hear them pleading for the applause to be withheld until all diplomas have been handed out.

It never works. The principals have lost whatever small authority they had left after college acceptances were received. Furthermore, they have little inclination to put a damper on a celebratory day.

Yet for some graduates, it does just that. Turning a mass celebration into a popularity contest might remind them how relieved they are to be leaving high school.

If Miss Manners were in charge of such a ceremony, she might say: "Now I realize that those of you who didn't expect to make it through high school will be tempted to let loose and holler when you receive your diplomas, and that your families may be so overcome with relief that they will chime in. But you did make it, and your diplomas are just as good as everyone else's. So I ask you to accept this honor with dignity, and not draw attention to how surprised you are."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our 7-year-old daughter was invited to a classmate's home birthday party, using the typical card invitation. Unfortunately, our daughter had confiscated the invitation, and we forgot all about it.

So, when she asked about going to the party, we had no gift, we had no plans to go, and worst of all, we missed the RSVP deadline. What is the etiquette for calling in a post-deadline RSVP? Worse than just showing up unannounced?

GENTLE READER: We have here a classic case of better late than never. This is the sort of thing Miss Manners expects you to be able to figure out by putting yourself in the other person's place. Would you rather have unexpected guests during the party, or an apology and answer beforehand?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have at many times read in the paper about people buying meals, etc., for others as a gesture of kindness. I have found myself in situations where I would like to show similar good will, but have been hesitant to do so for fear of insulting the intended recipient.

Two examples come to mind:

I was shopping at the local supermarket and observed an older gentleman with two little girls (undoubtedly his granddaughters), and they seemed to be shopping very selectively as if they did not have a great deal of money to buy everything they wanted. I wanted to give him $20 and tell him to buy his girls something good for dinner, but was unable to approach him because I didn't want to insult him.

Another time I was flying home, and there was a young man in military uniform sitting across the aisle from me. When the flight attendant came around offering food for purchase, could I have told her, "I'll take a snack box, and I'd also like to buy that gentleman whatever he wants"?

Please advise how I might delicately offer a gesture of good will in the future.

GENTLE READER: Which kind of good will do you want to offer?

One type is paying for someone for whom the cost might be difficult. Another is doing so to offer thanks. And a third is to start a flirtation.

In the case of the grandfather, you don't really know that money was a problem. He may be teaching the girls to shop carefully and setting a limit, as any sensible adult would do.

In any case, how would he have explained a handout from you to them without embarrassment? The only polite way to have done this would have been to slip the money to the cashier, and, when he discovered his bill was already paid, to say, "You're such an adorable family, I wanted to treat you."

As for your fellow passenger, you could have asked if you could buy him a snack as a gesture of appreciation for his service. Miss Manners notes that you should then have been prepared for his interpreting it as flirtation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Mother's Day has come and gone, and once again, our eldest daughter wouldn't send her grandmother a card.

The fact that she didn't send me one, either, is irrelevant. She claims that my mother is not her mother, so she doesn't have to send her a card. I say that my mother is in my daughter's line of mothers, so she should be acknowledged.

Since my mother won't be with us many more years, how should I deal with this daughter's lack of understanding before next year? The truth is that this daughter is so much like my mother that it's scary. Maybe that's the problem.

GENTLE READER: Or maybe the problem is your trying to force this issue. Surely your real object is to foster a bond between your mother and your daughter, and a once-a-year card would hardly do that.

Miss Manners hopes that you can force yourself to use a pleasantly intriguing and even somewhat complimentary tone when you tell your daughter that she and her grandmother are much alike. Rather than explaining how, you should say, "You really ought to get to know her. I think you and she would understand each other very well."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)