DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have at many times read in the paper about people buying meals, etc., for others as a gesture of kindness. I have found myself in situations where I would like to show similar good will, but have been hesitant to do so for fear of insulting the intended recipient.

Two examples come to mind:

I was shopping at the local supermarket and observed an older gentleman with two little girls (undoubtedly his granddaughters), and they seemed to be shopping very selectively as if they did not have a great deal of money to buy everything they wanted. I wanted to give him $20 and tell him to buy his girls something good for dinner, but was unable to approach him because I didn't want to insult him.

Another time I was flying home, and there was a young man in military uniform sitting across the aisle from me. When the flight attendant came around offering food for purchase, could I have told her, "I'll take a snack box, and I'd also like to buy that gentleman whatever he wants"?

Please advise how I might delicately offer a gesture of good will in the future.

GENTLE READER: Which kind of good will do you want to offer?

One type is paying for someone for whom the cost might be difficult. Another is doing so to offer thanks. And a third is to start a flirtation.

In the case of the grandfather, you don't really know that money was a problem. He may be teaching the girls to shop carefully and setting a limit, as any sensible adult would do.

In any case, how would he have explained a handout from you to them without embarrassment? The only polite way to have done this would have been to slip the money to the cashier, and, when he discovered his bill was already paid, to say, "You're such an adorable family, I wanted to treat you."

As for your fellow passenger, you could have asked if you could buy him a snack as a gesture of appreciation for his service. Miss Manners notes that you should then have been prepared for his interpreting it as flirtation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Mother's Day has come and gone, and once again, our eldest daughter wouldn't send her grandmother a card.

The fact that she didn't send me one, either, is irrelevant. She claims that my mother is not her mother, so she doesn't have to send her a card. I say that my mother is in my daughter's line of mothers, so she should be acknowledged.

Since my mother won't be with us many more years, how should I deal with this daughter's lack of understanding before next year? The truth is that this daughter is so much like my mother that it's scary. Maybe that's the problem.

GENTLE READER: Or maybe the problem is your trying to force this issue. Surely your real object is to foster a bond between your mother and your daughter, and a once-a-year card would hardly do that.

Miss Manners hopes that you can force yourself to use a pleasantly intriguing and even somewhat complimentary tone when you tell your daughter that she and her grandmother are much alike. Rather than explaining how, you should say, "You really ought to get to know her. I think you and she would understand each other very well."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A family friend that my wife knew growing up, but was never close friends with, sent her a notice of her son's high school graduation, along with a picture of the son. Never in all these years did my wife receive any other pictures, holiday cards or even an announcement when the son was born, so this is the first we've known of him.

Now I'm curious as to what to do about the notice. I always send family and close friends monetary gifts upon graduation, but those are kids who have been close to us in terms of contact and such.

Do we ignore the notice as just a "my son has made it"-type thing, or are we obligated in some way to send a gift? Sending a congratulations card with no money in it would be disappointing to the boy in my eyes.

GENTLE READER: And you wouldn't want to disappoint someone who is expecting to reap money from people he never met and who didn't know of his existence?

But, then, you have not heard from the son, so Miss Manners sees no obligation to address him. The polite thing for your wife to do would be to write the family friend, saying how nice it was to hear from her after all these years and congratulating her on her son's graduation. There is no need to speculate on the motives of the mother, and no need to pay him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has a chronic, debilitating illness. Frequently I field phone calls from his family or queries from friends I run into, and I don't seem to have the right answer for "How's Bob?"

I hate telling people the situation is awful every time I talk to them. Some people don't really want to know, and it's depressing for everyone else. I've tried out, "There's no change," "About the same" or "He's managing," but even those are getting stale. I already know I can't respond with a casual "He's fine," because people often take that to mean he's improved, inevitably leading to a need for clarification.

He has one family member I would like to tell this: "When I say he's OK, what I really mean is that nothing has changed, some days are worse than others, we don't expect it to improve, he's not in the hospital and he's not dead. That's what 'OK' means to us."

My husband emphasizes his poor condition to this person, and wants me to do the same, so the family member will leave him alone. I haven't observed it to be effective. Any suggestions I can add to my repertoire?

GENTLE READER: "About as well as can be expected, thank you. I'll tell him you called."

Miss Manners realizes that this is no better than what you have been saying, but it's longer, and the last part is a sign-off, so she hopes it will help. Please allow her to say that she also hopes that you don't dismiss everyone, but are frank with the people whom you and he really care about -- for their sake, yours and your husband's.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my mother was visiting for the weekend, we ran into one of my neighbors, who had met my mother once prior. As we were getting into my car, the neighbor waved and said, "Hi, Mom!"

My mother thought that was very insincere and that the neighbor should have remembered her name from their first meeting months ago. She went on to say that "Mom" is reserved only for her children and spouses of her children.

I totally disagreed and felt that the neighbor calling "Hi, Mom" was somewhat a term of endearment and was better than just waving or not saying anything at all. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: The line between friendliness and impertinence is getting thinner and thinner. And contrary to the usual development of vision, it is harder for the young to see than for older people.

Miss Manners agrees that the neighbor meant well, that calling a greeting was better than ignoring your mother, and that he or she cannot reasonably be expected to have remembered your mother's name.

That said, your mother had a reason to be upset. She was being patronized. It is not endearing for an outsider to assume use of an intimate form of address; it is cheeky. The implication is that she is some sort of generic mother.

Probably, however, the nice neighbor merely registered the fact that the lady is your mother and blurted that out. At least that is the possibility that Miss Manners suggests emphasizing to your mother.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Who should a husband seat first at the dinner table, his mother or his wife?

GENTLE READER: Whoever is older.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter, who is 33 and has been married for 13 years, with two children, is about to graduate from college. She, of course, wants to celebrate with a nice party. She has asked for my help.

What is my obligation financially to her, if any? I'm on a limited budget and cannot afford the party she deserves and wants. What is the proper etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette could hardly call itself proper if it tried to make people spend money they could ill afford.

Parents are obligated to feed, clothe and educate their children until they come of age. It would be nice if they also civilized them, teaching them consideration of others. But at no time are they obligated to give them parties. Even birthday parties for young children and first weddings, however charming, are discretionary.

Miss Manners would like to believe that what your daughter meant was that she would like your expert advice. But if not, you might volunteer the excellent advice -- just the sort that parents ought to teach -- that one should live within one's budget.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to ask guests attending a college graduation to pay for their own dinner afterward? The dinner will be at a restaurant, and we have estimated the cost for 14 people to be $1,000 excluding gratuity.

GENTLE READER: Do you understand that these people could in no way be considered your guests? And will you please make that clear to them beforehand? Miss Manners has heard too many laments from people who thought they were invited out, only to be handed a bill.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)