DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is my obligation to provide a selection of beverages at a dinner party? I was brought up to think that a glass of water should be provided at each place. My husband thinks that we are supposed to provide a choice of other options such as iced tea or juice.

This came up last time his parents visited, since he says that his mother doesn't drink water. (Who doesn't drink water??)

GENTLE READER: Your mother-in-law, evidently.

Miss Manners suggests that you check back about that upbringing of yours. Was it really "Water is all they get, no matter what," or was there a small overriding clause about meeting reasonable requests to please your guests?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate response if a professor, to whom one has applied for a summer position, does not notify one promptly that he has filled the position with someone else?

I am a first-year law student; I applied for a research assistantship with a professor for this summer. I interviewed with him. At the interview, he said that he would make his decision soon and reply to me promptly by email.

About a week later, he offered the position to someone else in my class. That person accepted the offer.

I learned of this almost immediately afterward. I wasn't upset by this: I was happy for the fellow that got the job. The next day I expected an email from the professor. And the next. The professor has taught first-year classes many times before; he should know that news travels very quickly.

I received no message till a week later. The professor then sent me an email telling me that he was sorry not to choose me, but, etc. He neither acknowledged nor apologized for not responding promptly. I felt and still feel very insulted.

Am I right to feel insulted? Should I tell him that I feel insulted? In reply to his email, I sent him a note thanking him for his consideration and saying that I thought that his choice of student would be excellent in the job. In an aside, I mentioned that I learned of this the previous week.

Was this note improper? Should I talk to the law school's Office of Career Services and ask them to have a word with him? What should I do besides stew?

GENTLE READER: Look for another job. But not in the etiquette business, where we do not go around scolding people. Even Miss Manners would not dream of doing such a thing; she gives an opinion only when asked.

Granted, it would have been considerate of the professor to tell you his decision in good time so that you could begin making other plans. Unfortunately, many prospective employers do not have the courtesy to respond at all to applicants whom they have seriously considered.

But it is unwise, as well as rude, to enter the job world with the idea that you can reform the senior people in it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Which is proper? To pick up the glass off the table and refill it, or leave it on the table and pour? I have always felt it to be unsanitary for a server who is clearing plates to touch someone's glass without having washed their hands since clearing other guests' dishes.

GENTLE READER: Life is full of risks, and although pouring while the glass is on the table is correct, the server could miss, pour ice water down your neck, and you might catch pneumonia.

Miss Manners has managed to lead a reasonably healthy life without worrying about the statistically insignificant dangers of everyday life, but she is aware that less reckless folks can find health threats in the most apparently innocuous customs.

She has often been told, for example, that leaving one's napkin on one's chair when temporarily absent from a meal has dire results, because other backsides may have previously sat on that chair. How the transfer of germs takes place -- on either end -- baffles her. It would have to be by direct contact, as whatever is in the air would already be doing its dirty work.

Do the diners return and stuff their napkins in their mouths? And that's just the more decorous side of the transfer.

As for the pouring of water -- wouldn't the server have to have his fingers in the glass? If it is only a matter of having touched the glass, what about the person who handled the glass when setting the table?

No doubt there are ways to get sick when coming in contact with almost everything and everybody, but Miss Manners would just as soon not be told about them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does the man need to lead the woman to the table when dining out?

GENTLE READER: And make her drink? Whoops, no, that was horses. Miss Manners apologizes.

A lady is properly led to a restaurant table by the gentleman accompanying her, unless a restaurant host does so, in which case the gentleman goes last.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a dear friend who is married but still uses her middle name rather than her maiden name -- i.e., Eloise Adele Trumball, rather than Eloise Deaver Trumball. She swears she has never heard of this convention and that I must be making it up; her mother also doesn't follow the practice.

I realize I have to let this go; I can't force her to follow conventions she doesn't believe in. I would like to know where the practice comes from, however.

GENTLE READER: Your friend might better ask the origin of using the birth name as a middle name, as her name and her mother's followed the older convention.

The custom was for a lady to change her name upon marriage, not to add on to it. Miss Manners understands the wish of ladies to hold on to their original names as prompting their use as middle names, and often now not changing names at all. Yet the old-fashioned way also deserves respect, and no one should be subject to outside pressure on the choice.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a 27-year-old female, and I have difficulty meeting men (I rarely get to go out to bars/clubs, as most of my friends have children). On the rare occasion I do meet someone, something always goes wrong, and that gets me down.

A few times lately I've been asked, "Have you ever thought about having kids?" which I find pretty insensitive, because if I'd met the right man I probably would've had children. What's the best response without coming across as rude?

GENTLE READER: "It's not anything I'm thinking about doing tonight."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just received an invitation to a very formal wedding. There was no response card; we are expected to write our own note.

To me this is very cheap, and some people just won't respond. There was no "respond by" date, and we found out by word of mouth -- not on the invitation -- that it is a black-tie event. Who knew? Thank you for your response.

GENTLE READER: Wait -- you didn't send a response card. How do you expect Miss Manners to answer you?

Oddly enough, polite people who issued invitations always did expect the recipients to take the trouble of answering them, promptly and in their own handwriting. But polite people may have to deal with people like yourself, who are impolite enough to consider this expectation an outrageous imposition and ignore invitations, even those for events they plan to attend.

Stationers seized on the dismay of the hosts to suggest that the burden on recalcitrant guests could be eased if the hosts all but took over the job of answering the invitations, as well as issuing them. Thus, comparatively recently, the response card came into existence.

Whoever designed it had a peculiar idea of what constitutes formality. To this day, people are baffled by the "M" followed by a fill-in-the-blank, put off by the harshness of "will/will not attend," and inspired by the leeway that seems to be implied in "number attending."

More to the point, the response card did not solve the problem. In increasing numbers, prospective guests were not acknowledging invitations.

So the deadline was added, in the hope that it would signal that the need for a response was serious. Even that did not jolt those who lacked the sense and courtesy to respond. Miss Manners hears daily from frustrated hosts who cannot know how many guests they will have.

And now you have turned nasty because the crutches for guests, which you take as an entitlement, were not offered.

But yes, that invitation should have indicated "black tie" if that was what was intended. Once, it was assumed that evening clothes were required for a formal event in the evening, but even Miss Manners admits that this can no longer be taken for granted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it inappropriate for a man to refer to a waitress as "Honey" or "Hon"?

GENTLE READER: Not if he is married to her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)