DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I call my boyfriend and he has company, he doesn't pick up my call. He thinks it is rude to his guests.

I believe it is rude to me not to answer my call, and that he should pick up and explain that he has company and can call later. Who is correct?

GENTLE READER: Well, let's see. On one side we have a host who is paying proper attention to his guests. On the other, someone who wants to interrupt him and make him tell her what she would already know from the unanswered call -- that he is otherwise occupied.

Please allow Miss Manners to introduce you to the wonders of technology, which provide various ways that you can register your call without disturbing the gentleman. You can leave him a message on his telephone, although you don't even need to do so, because the telephone records the fact that you have called. You can text or email him.

She only hopes that the content of your message is not, "Why are you paying attention to other people, and not to me?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Through work, I've been invited to a reception at a German embassy (not in D.C.). On the invitation it says "to remind."

I know how to handle "RSVP" and "Regrets only," but I've never before encountered "to remind." If I didn't know the context, I would have assumed that this would be some kind of reversed "save the date," i.e., a reminder that I've previously been invited to the function and responded that I'll be attending. But there hasn't been any previous communication between the embassy and me.

I asked a British friend who usually knows about these things, but he didn't know either. He assumed the Germans had made it up themselves, or that it might be a direct translation of some German phrase. I'd be very grateful if Miss Manners could solve the mystery.

GENTLE READER: Easy. Your hosts forgot to send you the original invitation, or it got lost in the mail, or you threw it out with the junk mail.

As Miss Manners recalls, forgetfulness is an international problem, which is why the formal reminder card exists, even in Great Britain. Normally, it does not require a response, because you will have already responded to the invitation itself; it just requires showing up. In this case, however, your hosts need a reminder. So it would be prudent to call to ask tactfully whether you are on the guest list as having accepted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When giving a birthday party, and/or a retirement party, is it proper for the host to dictate the color of dress the ladies must wear? If a senior cannot afford a new dress, is it permissible or rude to attend wearing another color?

GENTLE READER: Such hosts seem to be confusing the guests with the centerpieces.

Unless they are giving full-fledged costume parties, thus warning away those who do not want to participate, hosts can set only the degree of formality. To ask guests to obey a color theme for a birthday or retirement party is ridiculous.

But given the stipulation, a polite guest would inquire whether her presence was wanted when obedience to the code is impossible. No explanations or apologies on her part are necessary.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever acceptable to donate money at all levels of giving so that one's name appears multiple times on a program?

We are not talking about endowing a trombone and, for example, a musical chair, but at the friend level, the donor level, the patron level ... well, you get the picture.

If one can afford to give at all levels, the assumption is made that one would give only once at the highest level, even if one's donation far exceeded the lower limit of, say, $15,000 for top recognition.

These same donors, while their obvious generosity was appreciated, donated numerous very high-priced auction items (trips to their expensive vacation home, etc.) and made certain they were listed as purchasers of the more expensive items and, I might add, many of them. What is to be made of this behavior?

GENTLE READER: There was such a chap, Miss Manners recalls, who gave to all possible causes at all levels. She did not actually know him. Apparently, nobody did, as he seems to have been a modest person, who gave for the sake of helping causes, with no interest in glorifying himself.

His name was Anonymous. He doesn't seem to get around much anymore.

But as this is about charity, you might exhibit some toward those often-named donors. Perhaps it was the beneficiaries who plastered those names around, because they thought it was expected, or to encourage others to give. And it is reasonable to expect that before bidding on using someone's house, one would want to know whose house it was.

In any case, Miss Manners supposes that while it does, indeed, make the philanthropists look a bit foolish to insert themselves at all levels on the same program, there are worse ways to buy publicity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if it is strange that my ex-wife has asked my son to walk her down the aisle for her third marriage. My son walked her down the aisle for her second marriage without my knowledge.

I've never heard of such a thing, with her father, brother and uncle still alive. I'm just a little "creeped out."

GENTLE READER: Frankly, so is Miss Manners. Yet it is often done.

The almost universal notion that a bride must be given away by a man is, of course, highly anachronistic. But that does not bother Miss Manners. If anything, she is rather charmed by seeing a proudly independent lady reverting, on this important family occasion, to being daddy's little girl.

But there are situations in which the symbolism becomes offensive. A common one springs from mistaken, upside-down thinking that counts gender as more important than shared history in what they call this "role." And indeed, many think of it as a role to be cast with someone who looks the part of a father, rather than someone who has actually played the part, as it were.

Thus a single mother may be overlooked while a male who had little or nothing to do with rearing the bride is chosen. And for a son to "give away" his mother is particularly unfortunate symbolically. Logically, a previous husband might give her away, as he doesn't need her any longer, but Miss Manners does not recommend that.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Say I have a guest over for a meal and I don't agree with their opinions and lifestyle. How do I politely tell them I disagree without coming on too strong?

GENTLE READER: Parties at your place, where hospitality includes luring a guest for a critique of his or her life, must be a barrel of fun. Do you have many repeaters?

Miss Manners has been straining to think of someone who might warrant such interference, and yet be described as "a guest," rather than a minor child in your custody. You don't even call this apparently misguided person your close friend or relative -- not that this would entitle you to launch a surprise attack at your table.

There is an ancient rule forbidding a host to kill his guest, and many a legendary character waited impatiently for his enemy to step outside the premises. Attacking someone's way of life is somewhat equivalent psychologically. If you must do so, Miss Manners requires you to ask the target frankly for the opportunity -- providing a fair chance at his making a run for it -- and not to spring it during a social encounter.

Challenging opinions is a different matter. Civilized people are not required to pretend that they agree with one another. Life spent entirely among those of the same mind in everything would be boring. One could even argue against the value of opinions that have gone untested by counter-arguments.

But to be polite -- and for that matter, to be effective -- those with opposing views must be respectful and fair. That requires listening to the other's argument and conceding when convinced. And it means confining the discussion to the subject matter, eschewing personal criticism. As that is not your intention, you should avoid either any topics in contention or entertaining people of whom you so thoroughly disapprove.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother, who is 89, is having medical tests. Someone at work was bemoaning illness in general, and without thinking, I mentioned my worry over my mother's health (generally, with no gory details.)

Her reply left me literally speechless: "Well, your mother is really, really old and nobody lives forever, so you should just be getting used to the idea that she's going to pass."

I wish I'd had a reply, but fear it would have been anything but polite.

Really? Must one ready oneself for the unthinkable? I've lost one parent already and frankly can't fathom the inevitable, let alone "get used to it." As with tragedies in life, I feel I will cope when the thing that I fear is upon me.

What I do wish I had was a polite yet withering remark should someone ever say something so stunningly insensitive to me again.

GENTLE READER: Ah yes, a member of the Cold Comfort Squad. Such people also specialize in telling the bereaved that they must be relieved when people they love die.

You should not regret having been dumbfounded by a dumbfounding remark that does not deserve an answer. But if you want to be prepared for another such encounter, Miss Manners suggests, "Yes, it's true that we are all mortal. But some of us manage to form strong attachments nevertheless."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)