DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a lady is being presented to the president of the United States and his wife in a formal setting, what rules must be followed in order not to offend, or attract the attention of the Secret Service?

Should she extend a hand to the president, or wait until he does so? Is it permissible to look him full in the face, or should she cast her eyes down demurely while murmuring a polite greeting? Are the rules the same for his wife?

And speaking of greeting, one's assumption would be that "Good evening, Mr. President" would be acceptable for him, but how does one address his wife? Mrs./Madam President? Mrs. First Lady? Mrs. Obama? (My assumption is that "Hey Michelle" would not be a good idea.)

I want to make my country, and Miss Manners, proud.

GENTLE READER: A worthy thought, for which Miss Manners thanks you. She presumes that you also take pride in being the citizen of a country that distinguishes respect from obsequiousness and allows us to look our leaders full in the face.

After some debate, our Founding Fathers ruled that court etiquette, with its flowery titles and knee-bending to superiors, was not fitting for a dignified republic. Therefore, our highest official is not His Extraordinarily Important Worship, but, as you note, simply "Mr. President."

His wife, although popularly known as the First Lady, is legally a private citizen with no official title to go with what have come to be enormous responsibilities. The only concession is that she is THE Mrs. Obama, as opposed to any other lady who might happen to have that surname, so should be addressed in writing, as well as face-to-face, without using a given name. Woodrow Wilson's wife had two sets of cards: "Mrs. Woodrow Wilson" after he left office, but just "Mrs. Wilson" during his presidency.

And don't worry about the handshake. Royal subjects are forbidden to initiate any form of touch with their sovereigns, but Americans find that their leaders, being politicians, are only too eager to shake hands. He will probably have his out faster than yours.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a lady who must use a cane when walking due to a medical issue. Many times at social or other gatherings, well-meaning friends will walk alongside me to "assist" me.

This kind gesture often leads them to accidentally and unknowingly kick my cane, which sends me reeling. My friends usually exclaim, "You MUST be more careful!"

I do not wish to be rude, but how do I let them know that they are the ones who must be more careful?

GENTLE READER: This is a version of the scout who kindly helps someone across a street she didn't want to cross. It is unfortunate that the tender-hearted are often tender-headed enough to think that they know more about the logistics of handling a disability than those who have one.

Miss Manners hears of such would-be helpers taking command of wheelchairs to the annoyance and possible endangerment of their owners. Intended as an act of kindness, that is actually an act of arrogance. And your friends are compounding their error by scolding you.

You will have to assert your authority by saying firmly, "Thank you, I can manage," or, "Please walk on the other side."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Was it tacky of me to throw my own birthday party?

I wanted to use my birthday as an excuse to have a fun party, so I invited friends, who all agreed in advance to share the cost of pizza, and I provided cake and cookies. (A plain cake -- I did not write "Happy Birthday, Me!" on it, which I do think would have been tacky.)

Some friends remarked that they thought it was strange for me to "celebrate myself" in this way -- getting my own cake, etc. But these friends certainly weren't about to throw a party for me -- nor did I expect them to -- and this seemed like the best way to throw the party that I wanted for myself.

Is there established etiquette for throwing a party for oneself, and did I breach it?

GENTLE READER: Children give their own birthday parties, with the help of their parents, in the hope that it will teach them how to be gracious hosts.

But many of them must have flunked, because the adult birthday party, in which the host's interest is in honoring himself, often at the expense of the so-called guests, has become common.

Do not expect Miss Manners to reassure you that this is a charming thing to do. As you heard, your own friends were not charmed, although it was unkind of them to say so.

It was, as you put it, "the party that I wanted for myself." Where were your thoughts for your guests -- other than that they should pay for the pizza? How can they help noticing that you are prodding them to honor you?

It is not that mean old Miss Manners expects you to spend your birthday sulking along. But there is a subtle -- and nevertheless crucial -- difference between wanting to celebrate with your friends, and instructing your friends to celebrate you.

By all means, throw a party, if that is what you wish, but then behave like a host. That means planning it for the enjoyment of the guests, not just the fulfillment of your own preferences. It also means paying for the refreshments.

A particularly gracious touch would be refraining from calling it a birthday party, so that guests do not feel obliged to bring presents. But perhaps that is too much to expect, on top of your having to pay for the pizza.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to give a widower my phone number? His wife died three months ago after being terminally ill for several years. We are in our 60s and belong to the same club, but rarely have the opportunity to talk.

I would like to get to know him better, and if things go well, spend some time together when appropriate.

GENTLE READER: You and all the other single ladies he knows, some of whom are probably ahead of you in line. You may be sure that he and his friends would snicker about this tasteless and unsubtle way of saying, "Now that she's finally gone, what about me?"

Miss Manners suggests that instead, you try to make friends with this gentleman in the normal way. When you see him at your club, start a conversation. If it or you seems to interest him, you are both free to suggest continuing it later.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a radiology imaging clinic. My supervisor has instructed all employees to be courteous with our patients and to try to encourage them to return for future testing.

I agree with him completely, but disagree with his method. He is sort of a folksy person who says to patients, "Come back and see us again" or "Hope to see you again" as they are leaving.

I told him I feel that sort of greeting is inappropriate, as many of our patients are seriously ill, and it seems like we are wishing them to have a future illness so we can get their business.

I prefer to say to them, "I hope you feel better" or "Have a nice day" as they leave. He says that will not encourage patients to return. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: Neither of you. "Have a nice day" isn't charming, either, to someone laden with bad news.

Miss Manners always cautions against interpreting conventional phrases literally, but even she once reached her limit. It was when she was departing from a funeral, walking toward the church's open doors where she could see her friend's casket being lifted into a hearse, and one of the church volunteers cheerily wished her a nice day.

Please issue a straightforward reminder ("Have you scheduled a checkup appointment?"), and then say a pleasant goodbye.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a luncheon/fashion show put on by a local charity organization. The invitation stated socializing at 11 a.m., luncheon at 12:00.

At the appointed hour, we all found our assigned seats and waited for the luncheon service to begin. Instead, the emcee took to the dais and made her opening remarks. She introduced the dignitaries in attendance, thanked all the donors for their generous contributions and described the fashions that would be shown. This took about 30 minutes.

At last, thought my table companions and I, the food would arrive. But no, the next items on the agenda were testimonials from individuals who had been helped by the charities, followed by a presentation of the donated items to be raffled during the meal.

The food service finally began at 1:30. Since the invitation had indicated lunch at 12:00, was I wrong to expect it to be served at or near that time? Is it acceptable for the meal service to begin an hour and a half after guests are seated?

GENTLE READER: Only to those who are not rattled when they find themselves talking to an audience of hungry people who are gnawing on their napkins.

Planners of such events are always afraid that people will leave after they have been fed, so schedule the obligatory announcements before the food. In addition, many people find public speaking nerve-wracking, which can make them focus on their own performances to the exclusion of considering how to treat the audience.

Any lengthy announcements could have been made during the social hour, when the guests would be able to fortify themselves with drinks and to look forward to a prompt lunch.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)