DEAR MISS MANNERS: Was it tacky of me to throw my own birthday party?

I wanted to use my birthday as an excuse to have a fun party, so I invited friends, who all agreed in advance to share the cost of pizza, and I provided cake and cookies. (A plain cake -- I did not write "Happy Birthday, Me!" on it, which I do think would have been tacky.)

Some friends remarked that they thought it was strange for me to "celebrate myself" in this way -- getting my own cake, etc. But these friends certainly weren't about to throw a party for me -- nor did I expect them to -- and this seemed like the best way to throw the party that I wanted for myself.

Is there established etiquette for throwing a party for oneself, and did I breach it?

GENTLE READER: Children give their own birthday parties, with the help of their parents, in the hope that it will teach them how to be gracious hosts.

But many of them must have flunked, because the adult birthday party, in which the host's interest is in honoring himself, often at the expense of the so-called guests, has become common.

Do not expect Miss Manners to reassure you that this is a charming thing to do. As you heard, your own friends were not charmed, although it was unkind of them to say so.

It was, as you put it, "the party that I wanted for myself." Where were your thoughts for your guests -- other than that they should pay for the pizza? How can they help noticing that you are prodding them to honor you?

It is not that mean old Miss Manners expects you to spend your birthday sulking along. But there is a subtle -- and nevertheless crucial -- difference between wanting to celebrate with your friends, and instructing your friends to celebrate you.

By all means, throw a party, if that is what you wish, but then behave like a host. That means planning it for the enjoyment of the guests, not just the fulfillment of your own preferences. It also means paying for the refreshments.

A particularly gracious touch would be refraining from calling it a birthday party, so that guests do not feel obliged to bring presents. But perhaps that is too much to expect, on top of your having to pay for the pizza.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to give a widower my phone number? His wife died three months ago after being terminally ill for several years. We are in our 60s and belong to the same club, but rarely have the opportunity to talk.

I would like to get to know him better, and if things go well, spend some time together when appropriate.

GENTLE READER: You and all the other single ladies he knows, some of whom are probably ahead of you in line. You may be sure that he and his friends would snicker about this tasteless and unsubtle way of saying, "Now that she's finally gone, what about me?"

Miss Manners suggests that instead, you try to make friends with this gentleman in the normal way. When you see him at your club, start a conversation. If it or you seems to interest him, you are both free to suggest continuing it later.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a radiology imaging clinic. My supervisor has instructed all employees to be courteous with our patients and to try to encourage them to return for future testing.

I agree with him completely, but disagree with his method. He is sort of a folksy person who says to patients, "Come back and see us again" or "Hope to see you again" as they are leaving.

I told him I feel that sort of greeting is inappropriate, as many of our patients are seriously ill, and it seems like we are wishing them to have a future illness so we can get their business.

I prefer to say to them, "I hope you feel better" or "Have a nice day" as they leave. He says that will not encourage patients to return. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: Neither of you. "Have a nice day" isn't charming, either, to someone laden with bad news.

Miss Manners always cautions against interpreting conventional phrases literally, but even she once reached her limit. It was when she was departing from a funeral, walking toward the church's open doors where she could see her friend's casket being lifted into a hearse, and one of the church volunteers cheerily wished her a nice day.

Please issue a straightforward reminder ("Have you scheduled a checkup appointment?"), and then say a pleasant goodbye.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a luncheon/fashion show put on by a local charity organization. The invitation stated socializing at 11 a.m., luncheon at 12:00.

At the appointed hour, we all found our assigned seats and waited for the luncheon service to begin. Instead, the emcee took to the dais and made her opening remarks. She introduced the dignitaries in attendance, thanked all the donors for their generous contributions and described the fashions that would be shown. This took about 30 minutes.

At last, thought my table companions and I, the food would arrive. But no, the next items on the agenda were testimonials from individuals who had been helped by the charities, followed by a presentation of the donated items to be raffled during the meal.

The food service finally began at 1:30. Since the invitation had indicated lunch at 12:00, was I wrong to expect it to be served at or near that time? Is it acceptable for the meal service to begin an hour and a half after guests are seated?

GENTLE READER: Only to those who are not rattled when they find themselves talking to an audience of hungry people who are gnawing on their napkins.

Planners of such events are always afraid that people will leave after they have been fed, so schedule the obligatory announcements before the food. In addition, many people find public speaking nerve-wracking, which can make them focus on their own performances to the exclusion of considering how to treat the audience.

Any lengthy announcements could have been made during the social hour, when the guests would be able to fortify themselves with drinks and to look forward to a prompt lunch.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I introduced a very close young friend of mine to my sometime boyfriend (too long a story for here) some months ago. I had her go on a ship's tour in my place, as I was in the hospital recovering from surgery.

This was July 2012. Last Christmas I was invited by my "boyfriend" to his company party, and he also invited my young BFF. He asked me, and I said it would be a nice invitation for her. Then I went out of town for the holidays.

He contacted my BFF and invited her to a Christmas Eve dinner at a couple's home (his close friend) with other people. (I knew the husband and just met the wife prior.) I was fine with this.

Then, he invited her this week to a casual dinner at the same couple's home. They had invited my "boyfriend" and the lady who baby-sits for them and her adult son. But he didn't invite me. My BFF had to decline because she had to work in her dress shop that evening. He told her that he understood and would continue to invite her when he could.

Is it proper etiquette to invite someone who was introduced to the host/hostess and my sometime boyfriend (grown man, by the way) by me, knowing that the invitee is my BFF, without inviting me? Or even mentioning it to me?

GENTLE READER: Are you writing a country music song about this?

That strikes Miss Manners as the most suitable way of elucidating what it means to be a sometime boyfriend, and what he and a best friend forever owe the not-infrequently absent person who puts them together.

But you have asked only a far tamer question about the social obligation to include you at a dinner subsequent to the one to which you authorized sending your friend as a substitute. There is a rule that people who are introduced at a social event should include their hosts if they decide to meet again. But that doesn't quite apply to your case, as you sent them to functions together over several months. In addition, the gentleman might argue that he was merely reissuing an invitation that you approved but your friend was unable to accept.

None of this addresses the emotional undercurrents that are sloshing about beneath the social surface. Miss Manners is waiting for the song before she can do that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have recently been confronted by a serious and most unsettling situation within our extended family. A relative (first cousin) was sentenced to death years ago for a crime he committed. He will likely be executed soon.

I am very close to his grandparents who raised him. They are my aunt and uncle. What is the appropriate action to take in this unusual situation as far as an expression of sympathy? Are flowers and/or a card appropriate, or should no mention of the situation be made? I understand that there will be a small funeral.

GENTLE READER: Please treat this as you would any family funeral, attending, if you can, sending flowers, writing to express your sympathy. Miss Manners suspects that your aunt and uncle will receive little such support, making yours all the more necessary.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)