DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am aware that while dining in restaurants, it is traditional for a gentleman to give the waiter both his own order and the order of any ladies he is eating with. What is the proper protocol for responding to unexpected follow-up questions from the waiter, such as, "How would you like that done?" or, "I'm sorry, but we're out of that item; is there something else you would like instead?"

Should the lady answer those questions directly to the waiter, or should she have her male partner relay the information, even when the waiter is present?

GENTLE READER: It depends on how crazy you want to drive the waiter.

Many are young enough to be unacquainted with this custom and will be rattled by it, fearing that the lady will be insulted that the gentleman is speaking for her, and that food is about to fly.

But, as you have discovered, even those few who do know about it will rarely keep it up by directing all questions to the gentleman. In theory, the waiter should ask him, for example, "How would madam like that done?" whereupon the lady would respond to the gentleman, "Rare to the point of bleeding," and he would relay this to the waiter.

Miss Manners admits that this bit of theater is difficult to carry off with a straight face, and that hardly anyone finds it amusing to try. So perhaps it is just as well to spare the waiter by switching to direct answers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to call people by their last names in the United States?

GENTLE READER: Apparently. It implies that they are grown-ups.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an experienced nanny of many years. Recently I have had jobs where family members hit each other. Sometimes it is the children slapping the mother's face; sometimes it is the children bruising each other; and sadly, most recently, twin 7-year-old girls I work for began hitting me.

I don't know what has changed, as in all my years, the No. 1 rule all parents seemed to agree on was No Hitting.

In any case, I wonder if you would help me come up with a way to address this during the initial interview. I feel uncomfortable just saying, "Is hitting OK in your house?" I'm fairly sure they would say it isn't. One explained she is a "tiger mom," but then smiled as her child slapped her. How does one evaluate this politely?

GENTLE READER: You got a pretty good idea in the interview you describe, and Miss Manners trusts that you then informed the slapped tiger than you would not be a good fit in her household.

Without such a dramatic demonstration, you are unlikely to extract the proof you want by quizzing the prospective employer. As you notice, no one admits to approving violence.

But you can state your non-negotiable policy: that you do not tolerate hitting of any kind, whether between children and grown-ups or among children. You should then explain how you deal with children who disobey this rule, and say that you expect parents who hire you to support you if it happens.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you please give me one or two examples of what would be considered an acceptable gift to present to someone I enjoy spending time with and am seeing on a regular basis?

I regret to inform you that I gave her a bracelet for Valentine's Day. Although she said she liked it -- and as far as I know, still likes me -- I understand that respectable ladies do not accept jewelry from their gentlemen admirers.

GENTLE READER: So -- do you still like her? Did you get the answer you wanted to the question of whether this lady is respectable?

Miss Manners confesses to hoping that you did not offer the bracelet as a test, but found out only later that accepting it was questionable. Furthermore, she would like to believe that the lady was equally unaware, or perhaps embarrassed to refuse, for fear of your taking that as an insult.

Yet despite this uncharacteristic burst of tolerance, Miss Manners is not prepared to remove that rule from the books. She will, however, broaden it from merely barring ladies from accepting jewels, clothing or anything of substance, because "favors" (and we all know what that means) might be expected in return.

The refurbished rule, now that couples form and disband frequently, should be that neither person in a courtship should accept valuable presents before there is a formal commitment. The era when ladies flung back any token associated with a failed romance seems to be over. Squabbling, and even suing to take back things of value, is more common and uglier than ever.

The classic Valentine's Day presents are roses and/or chocolates, and, to up the ante, books of love poetry. Not knowing this particular lady, Miss Manners cannot suggest other suitable presents, but only caution that they should be items that would not be in dispute should you part.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For Valentine's Day, my husband had flowers sent to the place I work. The roses were obviously thrown into a so-so vase quickly without taking care or time to arrange them, probably due to the overwhelming amount of business (read: opportunity to gouge customers) on such a holiday.

When I got the credit card bill, I was shocked at the price. It had nearly doubled from the cost of last year's roses, which were beautifully arranged. I would like to check with the florist to see if there was a mistake. I really don't think there was. But I would like to not do business with these people again, and I don't know how to tell my husband without making him feel that I don't appreciate his thoughtfulness.

How does one question the monetary value of a gift without offending the giver?

GENTLE READER: Which giver? Your husband provided the sentiment; the florist provided the flowers. Miss Manners suggests you complain to the party whose contribution you found objectionable.

A reputable florist will apologize with more flowers, thus increasing your husband's reputation at the office. If the response is unsatisfactory, you can mention to your husband -- next January -- that you have found a new florist you like.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three years ago, upon my return home from a year away, I happened upon a tall, handsome man at an afternoon picnic who looked very pleased that I had arrived and smiled at me. I did not encourage him.

After two sordid attempts to reconcile with my ex-husband, I realize that I would like to get to know the tall, handsome man a little better. As it would turn out, he's an acquaintance of my ex-husband. Does this mean he's off-limits forever?

Friends have suggested I ask him out. My philosophy has been that a woman should never ask out a man -- I believe that doing so may set a disappointing precedence for future dynamics. I've put my efforts the past year into becoming as healthy, fit and happy as I possibly can, as I am hoping to simply become irresistible.

Well, five men except he have pursued me. He still hasn't asked me out -- but he flashed me that smile again two weeks ago.

Now what? I believe I must keep focusing on my educational goals and health commitments, but really -- do I just keep hoping? I simply refuse to ask him out.

GENTLE READER: Refusing to initiate a date is not a philosophy, Miss Manners feels obliged to tell you. Stoicism, existentialism and sophistry are philosophies. Dating strategies are not.

Fortunately, mere tactics can be altered without the necessity of re-examining the meaning of life. As you seem to encounter this gentleman socially, see if you can turn those smiles into some sort of conversation. If you can get to an impersonal topic, you can then say, "I'd love to hear more about what you think, but I suppose this isn't the place for a prolonged conversation."

If he wants to pursue you, as you put it, he will make a suggestion. If not, it may be that he considers the former wife of a friend to be off-limits.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can anyone say "Happy Valentine's Day" to anyone else? Is this equivalent to "Merry Christmas" or "Happy New Year"? A man said it to my wife and me. To me? Gross?

GENTLE READER: It seems doubtful that he meant it as a declaration of love. Still, Miss Manners has been made aware that spreading holiday cheer to strangers does not always have the charming effect that is intended.

It is not just those who are saluted on religious holidays they do not observe. More than one childless Gentle Reader has reported feeling tearful when strangers wished a Happy Mother's Day that these ladies would have liked to have. And the brokenhearted would probably join you in resenting being urged to enjoy Valentine's Day.

Mind you, Miss Manners does not endorse suppressing holiday joy because it is not universally shared. She merely cautions that it is always risky to presume that one knows the circumstances of strangers. Holidays aside, people who go around calling out "Smile!" to others are a public menace.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)