DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my 40s and was recently blessed with my first and only child. I am very thin by nature. I gained only 20 pounds while pregnant with my son.

Now people seem to question if I've really had a baby. I've had people look at me and ask if we adopted! They do not seem to believe that I have just had a baby because I am so thin.

Are all mothers just expected to carry around baby weight for some amount of time these days? Is it not acceptable to be skinny after having a baby? How should I respond?

GENTLE READER: It has nothing to do with theories about postpartum weight. Rather, this is just part of a widespread ad hoc campaign to annoy mothers. Revering motherhood in general doesn't seem to stop people from picking on mothers in particular.

If you had retained weight, the same people would be informing you that you still looked pregnant. Now you can look forward to hearing their critical opinions of your child-rearing practices, whatever they may be.

Presumably, people whom you know are aware of your pregnancy and the birth, so Miss Manners gathers that you are talking about acquaintances and, very likely, strangers. You do not owe them an explanation, and you should not really care how they think you acquired your son. There is no need to go beyond a curt "no" when asked if he is adopted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work with a gentleman whose spouse will not allow him to wear a navy blazer with lighter-toned slacks during the winter months. She insists it can be worn only during spring and summer and then tucked away until the following year. I contend that a blazer is year-round attire and can be worn for informal occasions. Your advice is needed.

GENTLE READER: By whom? Your friend is getting perfectly good advice from his wife, and Miss Manners has no wish to interfere. The only real help would be to buy him a winter navy jacket and dark pants.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you help me with a way to express sympathy or get-well wishes that do not include "I will pray for you" or "I will keep you in my prayers"? Not only is it a cliche, but I do not wish to expose my prayer life, as it is mine alone.

GENTLE READER: Your second reason is better than your first. Fear of using conventional phrases has led many people to come up with such appalling alternative cliches for the afflicted as "It's all for the best" and "What you need is a more positive attitude."

What the afflicted want to hear is that you care. You can use that same formula to say that they are in your thoughts or in your heart, or you can merely tell the sick that you dearly wish them well, and mourners that they have your sympathy.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in the process of applying to law schools. Most schools require that you submit three letters of recommendation.

Last August I asked three former colleagues if they would mind submitting letters on my behalf. All three of them enthusiastically agreed. At the time, I told them that I would need the letters to be sent in around November, since admissions are rolling and I would have a better shot at acceptance if my applications were completed earlier.

It's now approaching mid-January and none of my recommenders has submitted a letter.

While I understand that schedules are busy, final deadlines are in February, and I'm concerned that my applications will not be completed. I sent each of these colleagues a handwritten letter in August thanking them for agreeing to write letters for me and again in early December updating them on my progress.

What is the polite way to remind these people about the recommendations? If they no longer wish to write these letters on my behalf, I need to know as soon as possible so that I may find replacements.

GENTLE READER: Nobody is too busy to write a letter. Miss Manners keeps hearing that anguished cry -- from bridal couples, from young people whose relatives shower them with presents, from friends of the bereaved -- but it arouses no sympathy in her steely heart.

She has a pretty good idea of how these people spend the discretionary time that they grudge others -- and many of whom have just spent time and thought on pleasing them.

In the case of recommendations, there could be another, equally culpable, element. It is possible that they didn't want to recommend you, in which case they should have said immediately that they didn't feel they could do you justice. But as they were all enthusiastic at the time, Miss Manners suspects the rudeness is due to laziness.

You have done all you can, except to find other letter writers immediately, and caution them that it must be done that very day to meet the looming deadline.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dentist enjoys using his patients as a means of venting his political frustrations. I've been through several nightmarish dentists and don't want to give this one up, as he does a very good job on my teeth, but I am stressed by the comments he makes regarding the state of things in society.

I would normally try to change the subject by saying, "So how is the tartar looking?" but it's rather hard to talk with dental instruments in my mouth. What can I do short of changing dentists?

GENTLE READER: Close your eyes.

Normally, this is not a polite thing to do while someone is talking to you. But those dental chairs are so comfortable, and there are sprays in the air from which you should shield your eyes, and anyway, your mouth is open, and he is supposed to be concentrating on his work.

Miss Manners suggests that you refrain from making those ulmphh noises that dental patients do to indicate assent, to leave the impression that you have dozed off. With any luck, you will.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the queen of a Mardi Gras krewe and am hosting a semiformal Queen's Party. I will be serving a buffet but don't want to use the word "buffet." Is there another, "classier" word I can use?

GENTLE READER: Victorians who first used the word "buffet," pronounced the French way, to describe a meal laid out for self-service on the buffett (the sideboard), probably thought they were classier than people who were still using the 16th-century word "collation" for a light evening meal.

Buffet is now standard, however, and Miss Manners fails to see why you think it is declasse. It tells your guests what to expect -- that whatever they grab from the table will have to be eaten standing up.

However, she bequeaths you the abandoned word "collation," which will probably fail to convey the terms of your gathering and leave them wondering whether they should make dinner reservations. And she adds the warning that attempts to be "classy" almost inevitably produce the opposite effect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During a big storm, a relative of mine lost all power in her apartment. A neighbor took her in and provided her with food and shelter for several days.

When she was able to return to her own apartment, my relative sent the neighbor a thank-you card and included a gift certificate for a local department store. Now she is put out because she received no thank-you for the thank-you card. Is it necessary to say "thank you" for a thank-you card?

GENTLE READER: No, that would make an endless cycle. But one must send thanks for a present, even when the present was sent in order to thank. Miss Manners concedes that the gift certificate qualifies as a present, although it strikes her as a paltry return for a grand humanitarian act. Having just stayed in the house, your relative could have noticed her neighbor's taste and chosen something specifically to please her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our women's club honors our president at a dinner at the end of the club year. Is it proper for the president to select the location and control events?

The president is presented with a gift at this dinner. Is it proper to ask her what she would like for a specified amount of money?

This has been an issue between myself and a friend. Over many years neither of these issues was in question, but things have changed!

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the change that now has people taking charge of honoring themselves, even when others propose to do it. Tossing modesty and gratitude aside, they dictate the arrangements and presents for their own birthday parties, showers and, as you have found, any other occasion.

Miss Manners would be inclined to cede it all to them, allowing them to give the toasts and speeches about how wonderful they are, and to let them do all the clapping, too.

She would rather you didn't encourage such behavior by handing over the choice of the present. But she supposes you should humor the outgoing president about the other arrangements, and choose for the next president one whose admiration and organizational skills are concentrated on the organization.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)