DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the queen of a Mardi Gras krewe and am hosting a semiformal Queen's Party. I will be serving a buffet but don't want to use the word "buffet." Is there another, "classier" word I can use?

GENTLE READER: Victorians who first used the word "buffet," pronounced the French way, to describe a meal laid out for self-service on the buffett (the sideboard), probably thought they were classier than people who were still using the 16th-century word "collation" for a light evening meal.

Buffet is now standard, however, and Miss Manners fails to see why you think it is declasse. It tells your guests what to expect -- that whatever they grab from the table will have to be eaten standing up.

However, she bequeaths you the abandoned word "collation," which will probably fail to convey the terms of your gathering and leave them wondering whether they should make dinner reservations. And she adds the warning that attempts to be "classy" almost inevitably produce the opposite effect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During a big storm, a relative of mine lost all power in her apartment. A neighbor took her in and provided her with food and shelter for several days.

When she was able to return to her own apartment, my relative sent the neighbor a thank-you card and included a gift certificate for a local department store. Now she is put out because she received no thank-you for the thank-you card. Is it necessary to say "thank you" for a thank-you card?

GENTLE READER: No, that would make an endless cycle. But one must send thanks for a present, even when the present was sent in order to thank. Miss Manners concedes that the gift certificate qualifies as a present, although it strikes her as a paltry return for a grand humanitarian act. Having just stayed in the house, your relative could have noticed her neighbor's taste and chosen something specifically to please her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our women's club honors our president at a dinner at the end of the club year. Is it proper for the president to select the location and control events?

The president is presented with a gift at this dinner. Is it proper to ask her what she would like for a specified amount of money?

This has been an issue between myself and a friend. Over many years neither of these issues was in question, but things have changed!

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the change that now has people taking charge of honoring themselves, even when others propose to do it. Tossing modesty and gratitude aside, they dictate the arrangements and presents for their own birthday parties, showers and, as you have found, any other occasion.

Miss Manners would be inclined to cede it all to them, allowing them to give the toasts and speeches about how wonderful they are, and to let them do all the clapping, too.

She would rather you didn't encourage such behavior by handing over the choice of the present. But she supposes you should humor the outgoing president about the other arrangements, and choose for the next president one whose admiration and organizational skills are concentrated on the organization.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know that I can't say anything about gift cards (except "thank you"), but perhaps Miss Manners can.

I do not enjoy shopping. But every year I start months in advance, doing my best to find a thoughtful, appropriate gift for each person. Then Christmas comes, and I get an assortment of gift cards -- and my shopping chore starts all over again.

Some are for stores not found in my area. And I have to make the gift fit the size of the card, so to speak -- I often end up having to add money. Very rarely, those who know me well give me a card for a store that I frequent regularly, or for a shop, previously unknown to me, that becomes a favorite. But not usually.

I realize I risk sounding like an ungrateful cad -- after all, a stack of gift cards indicates at least that many friends. But the actual result is that I have to do all the shopping twice, I have to run all over town, and I'm limited to just so much at a particular store.

I never thought I'd say such a thing, but if you're looking for a one-size-fits-all gift, just go with cash. Does Miss Manners care to comment?

GENTLE READER: How about this: Cash isn't a present; it is a penalty paid by people who have not taken enough interest in the recipient to know what to choose.

Or this: Miss Manners agrees that laundering money with a gift card makes it harder to spend, and therefore worse.

Or this: If there were such a thing as a one-size-fits-all present, everyone would already have one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It has taken me many years to come to terms with the abuse I suffered from my mother while growing up, and I prefer not to have anything to do with her because she is in denial that it ever even happened and will not get help for her mental illness.

I make a point not to mention my mother to anyone and never criticize her to others, as I do have sympathy for her, since it is obvious that she endured her own trauma at some point. It's as though she doesn't exist, and I like it that way.

I now have a 5-month-old son, and people often ask about his "grandmother." What can I say that won't make them feel uncomfortable? She isn't dead, but she will never be a part of my son's life.

GENTLE READER: Say, "It's a sad story; I'd rather not talk about it."

Miss Manners is aware that many people consider this an invitation to ask, "Why not? What happened?" so repeat the second half of the sentence until they give up.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating my boyfriend for eight years. We have lived together for the last six or seven years. How much longer should I wait for a proposal?

GENTLE READER: Go right ahead and propose. You have Miss Manners' blessing, and you will have his answer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Like most women, I have dreamt of a magical wedding to my very own Prince Charming. At the young age of 19, I was deeply in love and engaged to the man of my dreams.

Before we had even started planning our wedding, we found out I was pregnant (oops and yay!). We decided we should speed up the process for the benefit of the baby and our new family. We had a small ceremony with a judge in the home of my husband's mother. Only our immediate family was there to witness our vows -- no friends, uncles, aunts, etc.

Now, two years later, we are even more in love than before. I am only 21 and he is nearly 24. I still dream of my dad walking me down the aisle, a big, white fluffy dress, my husband at the end of a long cathedral aisle. I ache for the "first dance" and dance with my father, the bridesmaids' support, and the excitement and affirmation of all of our loved ones.

Would it be so wrong to have a wedding now, two years after our vows? We didn't have a registry, bridesmaids, caterer, dancing, reception, etc., before. Is it OK to go all out now?

A final note ... if it is OK for people to get divorced and remarried to another person and have another wedding, then how could it be "wrong" to have a "real" wedding (dress, registry, bridesmaids and all) to the same man you've been in love with and faithfully committed to for years?

GENTLE READER: Could it be the fact that a real wedding is exactly what this is not? At a real wedding, people get married. You had a real wedding.

If you want to have a mock wedding for the sake of the lavish pageantry, you should be extremely careful about whom you invite. You wouldn't want people assuming that your objectives are to show off and receive presents.

Miss Manners is not quite that hard-hearted. Almost, but not quite. She assumes that you just want a bit of glamour in your otherwise happy life. Life is so relentlessly casual nowadays that many people yearn for that. Indeed, it probably accounts for many a financially ruinous wedding.

But you don't need to pretend to be getting married in order to throw a formal, glamorous party. You don't need any excuse but that of wanting to show your friends a good time -- without their being your attendants or audience, and without their having to worry about producing presents.

You can then be yourself, an adult wife and mother, rather than the embodiment of your childish fantasy. And at a formal party, you can even wear a strapless white ball dress, as that is what passes for a wedding dress nowadays.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our office was wondering when it is appropriate to stop wishing people a happy new year. For instance, is it appropriate to wish callers and visitors a happy new year throughout the month of January, or beyond?

GENTLE READER: The time to stop is when people are embarrassed about having violated their New Year's resolutions. Miss Manners estimates that as any day now.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)