DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended an exclusive dinner that was clearly identified on the highly sought-after invitation as "white tie." Although the men in attendance were all clad according to the formality requirements -- white tie and tails, not tuxes -- several women actually arrived in short cocktail dresses, and one was even in a short cocktail-type suit.

I won't even talk about the women who wore dress pants! To make matters worse, some of the women members of the organization hosting the dinner were among those in short cocktail dresses.

Although the organization threatens to turn improperly dressed men away at the door, there has been no such threat for women offenders. But I have to wonder, is their fashion faux pas not as bad? Am I hopelessly mired in the past to believe that "white tie" remains the most formal of the formal events and, as such, demands long dresses, not short -- and certainly not pants -- for women?

GENTLE READER: You do have a point, even one with which Miss Manners agrees. But you would be wise not to press it.

Since the 19th century, it has been thought that the proper sartorial division between the genders is that the gentlemen should be dressed conventionally, distinguished only by the perfection of their tailoring, while ladies should indulge in fanciful variety.

You don't need Miss Manners to tell you that there have been revolts in both ranks. There are gentlemen who insist on dolling up their evening clothes with strange vests, perky ties, peeking non-handkerchiefs and such. And ladies who seek a standard evening uniform of little black dresses or trousers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I told my pregnant daughter-in-law that she looked good but tired. She took offense to this by saying that wasn't a compliment. I was just stating what I thought was a fact. Was it rude of me?

GENTLE READER: It is certainly tiresome. Miss Manners is as puzzled as your daughter-in-law why many people seem to think that this is a helpful remark.

To make it so, please amend it to, "You must be tired -- tell me what I can do for you so that you have time to take a rest."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were married two years ago June, and I have yet to send out thank-you cards. The truth is, I have been very preoccupied with now two children and a husband in grad school, not to mention several address moves. I lie awake at night feeling terrible. What should I do? I just feel like it's way too late now. Help!

GENTLE READER: As you are up anyway, why don't you spend the time writing those letters?

Miss Manners hopes you are not up waiting for her to tell you never mind, it's too late anyway, so there's no use feeling bad.

Yes, it is disgracefully late, which is why you are right to feel terrible. The only remedy is to write now, saying, in specific detail, how much you continue to enjoy those wonderful presents. And please leave out the part about being so preoccupied. Your benefactors are busy, too, but they found the time to try to please you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to whisper at the dinner table?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but Miss Manners admits that there are exceptions. You are allowed to whisper, "I think there might be some food caught on your teeth" or, "If you don't stop putting your hand on my knee I'm going to stab you with my fork."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to give gifts that have meaning to me with the receiver in mind. What should be the purpose behind the type of gift that is given?

For example, this Christmas I mailed religious gifts to family and did not receive one thank-you, but did receive raves for the doghouse I built for my neighbor's dog, aside from my neighbor.

What should be the motivation in choosing a gift? Need or want? Sharing an interest?

GENTLE READER: Building that doghouse was a spectacular present, and Miss Manners doesn't wonder that it attracted admiration beyond that of the recipient. She trusts that the dog has been licking your hand in gratitude.

But unless your relatives are simply too rude to acknowledge presents, something must have gone wrong. With religious items, that can easily happen. Even if you chose presents that you know to be in keeping with their beliefs and practices, the implication can arise that you have something in mind besides just pleasing them -- that you want to change or expand these in some way. It is an extremely sensitive area, and while your relatives were deeply remiss in failing to acknowledge your presents, Miss Manners supposes they were flummoxed about how to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I went on a cruise, we were seated with several other couples at a large round table for dinner. The others had arrived before we did and, as there was a bread basket on the table, they had chosen their bread plates.

However, some of them had taken the one on the right side of their place setting. My husband was seated on my right and he correctly chose the bread plate to his left, which left me with no bread plate.

How should I have handled this situation? The woman to my left had an unused bread plate to her left, so I asked if I might have that one. This clued her in that she had chosen the wrong one, but it wasn't made into a big deal.

It seems that many people, even well-educated adults, are unaware or forgetful that their bread plate is to the left of their place setting. I didn't want to embarrass anyone by saying, "Your bread plate is the one to your left," but I did want to have some bread and butter with my dinner.

GENTLE READER: But you did get your bread and butter, and the lady to your left does not seem to have died of humiliation. Miss Manners is gratified to know that your effort to acquire a plate unobtrusively triumphed over your impulse to criticize the manners of people who might then be tempted to pitch you overboard.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'd like to get your opinion on children's preprinted thank-you notes. I've seen a few where the body is printed out, but the child is required to fill in only the names of the giver, the gift andhis or her name.

I think this is a good way to initiate my 3- and 5-year-olds to the etiquette of expressing gratitude for a gift, but my mother thinks they are impersonal and insulting, since they are not handwritten (by either me or the child).

I feel they are an appropriate way to teach children who are capable only of writing their names properly to thank someone who has been kind enough to give them a gift, and feel it is more personal than my writing a note and the child signing it, as it is obvious the effort has not been made entirely by them. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That you are teaching your children to send thank-you letters is admirable. But why are you not teaching them how to compose them?

"Because they can't write," you respond, politely refraining (Miss Manners hopes) from adding, "Duh."

True. You may have to do the actual writing. But you can teach them to do the thinking. Form letters are not cute, even from toddlers.

You should be questioning the children to extract the essentials of a letter of thanks: a specific, favorable reaction to the present; an expression of gratitude; and a bit of chattiness to establish the idea that it is not just the present that is valued, but the relationship.

This is not going to be easy. Any expressions of delight when opening the package should be noted, but those are not apt to be especially articulate. So the process goes something like this:

Parent: "What can we tell Aunt Tilda about how much you like the sweater?"

Child: "I wanted a fire truck."

Parent: "I know. But it's your favorite color. Isn't purple your favorite color?"

Child: "Maybe."

Parent: "What can you tell your aunt about what you've been doing?"

Child: "Nothing special."

Parent: "Sure you did. We went to the museum, remember? What did we see?"

Child: "The food court."

Parent: "Yes, but what else? Remember the dinosaurs? What were they like?"

Eventually, you can put together something that the child vaguely recognizes as his. And -- even more eventually -- it will teach him how to write a letter of thanks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please settle a good-natured bet between my husband and me. If I have acquaintances who have put their house up for sale, is it rude to ask them their asking price if we all know I have no interest in buying it?

Nor do I have any intention of buying or selling a house at all. Really, I just want to know out of curiosity. For the record, I think it's rude, akin to asking someone their salary. My husband, on the other hand, says it's fine.

GENTLE READER: Asking out of mere curiosity would indeed be rude. You need a better reason.

Fortunately, Miss Manners can supply you with one (in case you can't figure out how to look for the listing online). You can pose as being helpful by saying, "In case I know anyone who might be interested in buying your house, how much are you asking?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)