DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father-in-law was arrested last week. His family is obviously distraught over this.

In addition to the emotional problems, the sequence of events that followed his arrest have revealed that his wife's finances are not exactly where they should be considering she is not too far away from retirement. (She was unable to bail him out of jail and had to borrow money from relatives to hire a lawyer.)

I am extremely concerned for her emotional and financial well-being, particularly considering she will likely be losing her husband's income permanently. I have a knack for personal finances, so I was thinking about offering to try to help get her finances in order by figuring out if she is handling debt wisely, showing her money-saving strategies, etc. Would that be inappropriate?

GENTLE READER: Tragedy is certainly the time for relatives to offer their assistance, but Miss Manners sees the possibility of danger here.

If your mother-in-law had nothing to do with her husband's crime, she is going to be freshly skittish about trusting even a member of the family. The poor state of her finances suggests an ineptitude that could hamper you in showing her that whatever you do is in her interest.

Now, what about the possibility that her finances show that she was -- purposely or inadvertently -- mixed up in your father-in-law's situation? You really don't want to be the one to handle that.

Miss Manners does not want to discourage you from helping a relative in dire need. She is only suggesting the wisdom of getting a disinterested and reputable professional to do the work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My roommates and I decided to throw a casual house party since we wanted to meet each other's various groups of friends. We decided that the easiest way to coordinate among the four of us would be to send out an online invitation via Evite along with word of mouth.

We sent the Evite out six days in advance of the party but have received very few responses back compared to the number of those invited. Since this is a casual get-together, it is not a crisis; however, the four of us do need to figure out how much food and drink to purchase for our guests.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask guests to click a response given the lead time, whether it be yes or no. Do I have overly rigid expectations for guests to respond to a casual method of invitation?

GENTLE READER: If it is any comfort, people who send out engraved invitations to decidedly not-casual weddings also have trouble getting responses from their guests.

That is not a comfort to Miss Manners, who cannot understand how people can be so callous as to fail to realize the difficulty this imposes on hosts, in addition to the insult.

But it is evidence that the problem is not ease of responding. Response cards, stamped envelopes and computerized methods requiring only a touch of a key have not even made a dent in the amount of non-responsiveness. Like other disrespected hosts, you will have to call or text around to find out who plans to attend.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Upon opening what I thought would be a wedding invitation from good friends, I found, printed on very nice stationery:

"Our wedding is coming but oh, what dismay.

"The venue is small on our big day!

"Though we can't squeeze you in during our special hour,

"Would you please come to our wedding shower?"

Underneath is a list of stores where the couple is registered.

How rude and hurtful is this? What a gift grab! I don't even feel up to making a RSVP.

GENTLE READER: Why, it was just recently that another bridal couple wrote Miss Manners that they were sending "a sweet poem that is nice for asking for cash" with their wedding invitation.

Do we have a trend here? Is the word spreading, in the white tulle set, that crudeness is charming when it is put into rhyme (even if not exactly rhythm)?

However, Miss Manners insists that you reply to the paltry invitation you did get. One rudeness does not excuse another. How about:

"Accepting with pleasure

"A day of leisure (British pronunciation required),

"We wish you the best.

"As you are feted and wed,

"We'll be home in bed;

"Good luck, and the rest."

Well, no, not really. Please forgive Miss Manners that lapse and write a simple answer declining the shower invitation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the last several years, my husband and I have hosted a quite nice holiday party (catered food, serving staff, crystal, silver, etc.) for friends and neighbors.

As planning begins for this year's party, I can't help but notice when I review the guest list that there are people we haven't seen since our party last Christmas. It would be nice if some of our guests thought enough of us to at least have had us over for a drink at their home, but that is not the case with several couples.

How do I politely drop them from our guest list? What would be an appropriate response if someone inquires if we are having our party and they are not invited?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, people often do treat annual parties as a sort of public service, failing to reciprocate and brazenly assuming they have standing invitations. It is, as you have found, a poor return for hospitality.

For that reason, Miss Manners advises skipping an occasional year, or at least varying the party -- one year making it New Year's, instead of Christmas, for example -- so that you can honestly say that you are not giving the usual annual party and dislodge the expectation.

Even now you can still claim, to those who have the nerve to ask, "Oh, we're not having that big party this year. We'll just be getting together with a few people whom we see all year."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to give my boyfriend a hint that I want a promise ring for Christmas? He usually gives me money.

GENTLE READER: But did he make you any promises? Or are you just on his payroll?

Miss Manners would think it prudent to establish the sentiment before trolling for the symbol.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a difficult part of my job, I am required to dismiss students who fail to meet academic standards. Such a dismissal is done in person, but it must be accompanied by a letter detailing the specifics of the situation and the action taken.

I continually struggle with how to end such letters. Closing the letter with "Sincerely" or "Regards" seems to me too pleasant for such a negative letter, but closing the letter without any valediction seems too cold and abrupt. I would appreciate your thoughts on this matter.

GENTLE READER: Is it your thought that unpleasant news should appear in an unpleasant format?

"Sincerely yours" and the slightly stiffer "Yours truly" are conventions, which is to say that they convey neither warmth nor coldness. That is a great advantage conventions offer -- neither the writer nor the recipient needs to analyze them. Miss Manners hopes that you have not balked at addressing these students as "Dear," on the grounds that you don't love them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear friend has recently written me with some bad news concerning her health. I would like very much to express my continuing thoughts and prayers for her, without falling into the "me-me" trap.

For example, I don't want to say, "I was very upset to hear that you have X disease." My feelings, after all, are not what is important in this matter. But I am at a loss as to how to express my support and concern.

GENTLE READER: Expressing sympathy and affection do not constitute the all-too-common me-me reaction that Miss Manners commends you for wanting to avoid.

Me-me would be announcing that you had troubles, too, or that you knew of worse cases, or that you knew just how your friend felt, or that you were sure things were not as bad as reported, or that you advised her that pulling herself together and thinking positively would make her problem disappear.

Expressing your own sympathetic feelings is quite a different matter. It is a comfort to know that people care; your dear friend would hardly want to think you unaffected by her news. Once you have conveyed that, you will be right about dropping the subject and allowing your friend to speak of her feelings -- or not, as she chooses -- knowing she has a deeply sympathetic listener.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The other night I was dining with a lady friend at an outdoor table at a nice restaurant. During the meal, the elegant lady accidentally knocked her purse off the side chair, and the contents of the purse spilled across the concrete patio. As a gentleman, I did not feel comfortable diving under the table to fetch the possibly private contents of her purse. At the same time, I did not feel comfortable sitting still while the gentle lady crawled under the table without my help.

As may be typical in these sorts of situations, paralysis took over and I did nothing but sit there. What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: Ask the lady at the time, rather than Miss Manners after the fact?

While appreciating your delicacy, Miss Manners wonders why she is drawn into the situation. You could have said, "Please, let me help you," and refrained from doing so if the lady squealed from under the table, "No, that's all right, I've got it all."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)