life

Young Man Considers Taking Leave of Homecoming Invitation

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 9th, 2012

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past few weeks I asked a girl to the homecoming dance and we have kissed. A couple of days ago, her best friend informed me that she didn't like me anymore. I haven't heard it from her directly.

I don't know if I should still take her to the dance or if I should talk to her and not go. When we text each other now, it is very short and about trivial things. What should I do about the dance and our relationship?

GENTLE READER: Did you skip the elementary school lesson about the dangers of third-person reports on who secretly likes you and who secretly hates you?

Miss Manners assures you that it still holds. As does your date, unless you hear otherwise from the young lady herself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dad is living with his "girlfriend." After a 54-year marriage, he quickly rebounded after my mom died three years ago and began dating her friend, who moved herself in within six months.

My sister-in-law is having a 75th birthday party for my dad, and I just found out that the "girlfriend" has invited her son and two grandchildren to this family function. Last Thanksgiving I was really put on the spot and made to feel I had to say yes when she cornered me and asked if the same son could come to my house. Luckily, she and her son decided to go to another function, and my dad came to my dinner.

Do you think this behavior is rude, and how should I respond next time I am in this situation? I would like to put an end to her manipulation of my family.

GENTLE READER: So Miss Manners gathers from your use of quotation marks alone.

She also suspects, from your description of that lady's having "moved herself in," that you have not consulted your father about this because you believe that he is a helpless victim of such manipulation.

But lest you manipulate him, you should find out whether he wishes the extended members of his household to be included in family events.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately I have had two (so-called) professionals in my home. While I am paying for their service, they have turned the professional conversation into political ranting. Both have made the assumption that I agree with their opinions.

I can only guess that they believe I agree because I didn't argue. Apparently my saying nothing must have, in their minds, conveyed approval.

I have strong political opinions and enjoy a good debate, but I didn't think it was in any way appropriate to get into a debate with someone I have hired. What is a polite way to let someone know that I do have opinions but don't want to discuss them?

GENTLE READER: Furthermore, Miss Manners supposes that they -- calling themselves professionals, while ignorant of professional behavior -- are charging you for the time.

Even if you agreed with their politics, she would recommend saying, "Can we get back to going over my taxes?" or "fixing my toilet," or whatever it is that you are paying them to do.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

It's a Full Time Job to Describe What You Do at Home

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 7th, 2012

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When family, friends and acquaintances find out that I do not work outside the home, I am frequently asked what I do all day. I am a 56-year-old female who worked outside the home for many years, but now when I say I don't work (nor do I need to; my husband supports us well), I often get, "I would be bored" or "I need to be out."

I say I like being home, or I have more time for projects, etc., but I really would like to have the words to project that I am not boring or useless, now that I am home, without trying to tell them what my daily schedule is. I feel like I have to justify my day just because I don't have a "job."

GENTLE READER: How can you not be bored, having to listen to the same old deprecating cliches that these people think pass for conversation?

Unfortunately, it would be rude to point out your day was fine until they spoke up. Instead, Miss Manners would reply: "You know your list of things you know you ought to do but don't have the time for? And that other list, of things you would like to do but are too tired for? Well, those are the things I'm doing."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece's wedding dress is ivory. Do the table linens and cake need to be ivory as well, or can they be white? Or does it really matter?

GENTLE READER: It matters only if the bride falls onto the cake and attempts to cover the problem with a tablecloth. Should that happen, Miss Manners believes the color clash would lead the guests to think that not enough attention had been paid to planning the wedding.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received some beautiful red roses from my boyfriend. When he got to my house, he was appalled that I had removed the card. He said it is very inconsiderate to remove it, and that it should be left on the bouquet for all to see.

I have always read the card and then removed it. Is that inappropriate?

GENTLE READER: Not if the flowers were for you. Miss Manners gathers that they were actually meant for all to see that he had sent them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I spent a lot of money and hours making dinner for a friend. After she got home, she phoned me and told me that dinner went right through her. I think that is bad manners.

GENTLE READER: And an even worse image. If your guest meant to alert you that something might have been wrong with the food, she should have said, "I'm a bit ill, and I don't know what caused it" -- and then waited to see if you declared a similar problem.

Otherwise, Miss Manners fails to see how you would be able to distinguish signs of food poisoning in yourself from a reaction to the way she put it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Sarcasm Difficult to Avoid When Answering Rude Questions

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 4th, 2012

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had back surgery several months ago, and my recovery is expected to be long. I have needed to use a walker and now a cane for assistance.

I am shocked at the number of complete strangers who have come up to me and made comments such as, "Why are you using that?" (pointing to the walker), "Is that permanent or temporary?" and "What's wrong with you?"

While a rude reply is very tempting, I know that's not correct. I usually ignore them, but what is the correct response to these buffoons?

GENTLE READER: That is a formidable challenge that you are facing -- thinking up a reply to "Why are you using that?" which doesn't sound sarcastic.

Miss Manners tried practicing the most straightforward answers:

"I'm using it to walk. It's a walker."

"Oh, it's just temporary until I can find one of those antique canes with the silver tops and concealed weapons."

"Wrong? Is there something wrong I can help you with?"

Oh, dear. But even before she slipped off the straightforward path, Miss Manners noticed that her tone did not suggest that these people were being as friendly and compassionate as they no doubt think themselves. Perhaps you can do better.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Jenny and I are older divorced women. I have no family; she is like a sister and is among the single and married friends who invite me to spend the holidays with their families.

I was Jenny's only local friend to attend the out-of-town service and wake for her own sister. At my table, Jenny's nephew-in-law assumed a truly nasty expression and asked: "Do you and Jenny live together? No? Do you live close to each other? No? But you travel together? How did you meet?"

I ignored the innuendo and just answered straight. However, I wish I had a good comeback to "out" him for his rudeness! I felt like saying, "If we WERE lesbians, as you seem to imply, wouldn't we be a great couple!"

GENTLE READER: Suppose you had, and the nephew-in-law had replied in a loud voice, "Lesbians? That never occurred to me"?

That's the trouble with innuendo: It is deniable. Nasty look or not, his questions were within the realm of common social nosiness, which he could defend as an attempt to show interest and start a conversation.

He did not ask about your sex life. It is you who would have opened that subject. It is as if one had asked a straight lady and gentleman if they were married -- which is somewhat intrusive -- and they had responded that they are not sleeping together, which is way too revealing for polite conversation.

All the same, Miss Manners recognizes that you want to squelch the speculation that may well have prompted those questions. You could do this by saying, "We're a couple of friends, but not a couple." If you wanted to tweak him, you already did, simply by answering the surface questions with no further information to satisfy his presumed curiosity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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