DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had back surgery several months ago, and my recovery is expected to be long. I have needed to use a walker and now a cane for assistance.

I am shocked at the number of complete strangers who have come up to me and made comments such as, "Why are you using that?" (pointing to the walker), "Is that permanent or temporary?" and "What's wrong with you?"

While a rude reply is very tempting, I know that's not correct. I usually ignore them, but what is the correct response to these buffoons?

GENTLE READER: That is a formidable challenge that you are facing -- thinking up a reply to "Why are you using that?" which doesn't sound sarcastic.

Miss Manners tried practicing the most straightforward answers:

"I'm using it to walk. It's a walker."

"Oh, it's just temporary until I can find one of those antique canes with the silver tops and concealed weapons."

"Wrong? Is there something wrong I can help you with?"

Oh, dear. But even before she slipped off the straightforward path, Miss Manners noticed that her tone did not suggest that these people were being as friendly and compassionate as they no doubt think themselves. Perhaps you can do better.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Jenny and I are older divorced women. I have no family; she is like a sister and is among the single and married friends who invite me to spend the holidays with their families.

I was Jenny's only local friend to attend the out-of-town service and wake for her own sister. At my table, Jenny's nephew-in-law assumed a truly nasty expression and asked: "Do you and Jenny live together? No? Do you live close to each other? No? But you travel together? How did you meet?"

I ignored the innuendo and just answered straight. However, I wish I had a good comeback to "out" him for his rudeness! I felt like saying, "If we WERE lesbians, as you seem to imply, wouldn't we be a great couple!"

GENTLE READER: Suppose you had, and the nephew-in-law had replied in a loud voice, "Lesbians? That never occurred to me"?

That's the trouble with innuendo: It is deniable. Nasty look or not, his questions were within the realm of common social nosiness, which he could defend as an attempt to show interest and start a conversation.

He did not ask about your sex life. It is you who would have opened that subject. It is as if one had asked a straight lady and gentleman if they were married -- which is somewhat intrusive -- and they had responded that they are not sleeping together, which is way too revealing for polite conversation.

All the same, Miss Manners recognizes that you want to squelch the speculation that may well have prompted those questions. You could do this by saying, "We're a couple of friends, but not a couple." If you wanted to tweak him, you already did, simply by answering the surface questions with no further information to satisfy his presumed curiosity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I became engaged, the women of my religious institution (my mother's contemporaries) held a shower for me, for which I immediately wrote thank-you notes for the luncheon and the gifts.

My husband and I were married by a judge but had a reception several months later in my hometown. While I was mingling with the guests, one of the ladies who had attended the luncheon came up to me and told me, with a smile, that I had written her a thank-you note for the wrong gift (I got you X, and you thanked me for Y) and that she thought I would like to know.

I was mortified, of course. I apologized effusively, said it must have been new-bride idiocy, thanked her for the gift she did give me and retired red-faced.

It has haunted me since then, and I've never seen her afterward without feeling like a fool -- and I've been married 29 years.

Should I have written her another thank-you note? What would have been the best response? Since no one else mentioned anything, I can only hope that the rest of the notes were accurate. It's years too late, of course, but I'd love to lay this ghost to rest and feel I acted correctly at the time.

GENTLE READER: Twenty-nine years is a long time to feel like a fool, and Miss Manners would like to offer you some relief. But alas, she cannot bring herself to declare that the fact that the lady already had a (misguided) letter from you, or your including thanks with your embarrassed apology, took the place of a genuine and correct letter of thanks.

Presumably the lady herself has long since forgotten. But you have not, which does you credit. So the job now is to get it off your conscience.

You could write quite an amusing letter, but not about your guilt. Rather, you should say that you think you may have finally recovered from the bridal idiocy that made you thank her for the wrong present 29 years ago, and you want to tell her how much you have enjoyed the right one all this time.

Then, perhaps, you can get a good night's sleep. Just please include specific details, or your benefactor will be up all night trying to remember what on earth she gave you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a guest to do if a bathroom is not equipped with individual guest towels? On many occasions at a party or gathering, there is only one measly towel hanging in a bathroom for all and sundry to use. In many cases, the towel is already very damp and obviously (over) used.

In a friend's home, I would discreetly ask for another hand towel for the bathroom. However, I do not know the etiquette for advising a host/hostess of a lack of clean towels in the bathroom when the party is at full swing.

GENTLE READER: The towel sounds yucky, the hosts sound busy, and Miss Manners would not countenance leaving the bathroom without washing one's hands.

What to do? Uh, there is paper somewhere in that room. Look around.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

What is the social pay scale? How much will it cost you if someone you know gives birth, graduates, marries or dies?

Now that the ancient and charming custom of exchanging presents is deteriorating into simply paying people by the milestone, Miss Manners supposed that she would not have to become involved.

After all, the idea was to eliminate thoughtfulness. People anxious to be spared the thoughtful efforts of others to please them have long been selecting their own presents by means of the gift registry. Many now want to skip even that blatant bit of laundering to get their hands directly on the cash.

And many of their dear ones are only too happy not to have to give them another thought. Let's just pay the bill and be done with it, is their attitude.

The purpose of such dealings has always puzzled Miss Manners. Presuming reasonable reciprocity, what good does it do people in the same social or family circles to keep paying one another? Surely it has nothing to do with the custom of selecting and treasuring symbols of emotional ties.

However, if everyone is happy with the pay-as-they-go system, it is not for Miss Manners to interfere. Goodness knows it is entirely outside the realm of etiquette.

But it appears that not everyone is happy, and both sides of this commercial equation keep appealing to her. By far the most frequent etiquette question she receives -- dozens of them every week -- is, "What is the polite way to inform our guests that we want monetary gifts only?"

Some declare frankly that they expect their guests to help pay the wedding or honeymoon expenses, or their mortgage. Others explain that they already have everything they need, in which case Miss Manners would have thought they would be counting their blessings and thinking about helping the less fortunate.

The second most frequent question is from the targets of these demands, wanting to know how much they owe. Furthermore, they seem to believe that it depends on particular circumstances:

-- "What is the appropriate amount of money to give at a baby shower for someone I've met only twice?"

-- "What are the normal amounts of money to give to a niece graduating from high school with high honors, the neighbor's son who is graduating from law school, and my second cousin, whose family is having a dinner after the ceremony?"

-- "When going to a destination wedding that costs you money to fly, hotel, etc., what is a proper amount per couple or per person to give the bride and groom?"

--"How much money do I give as a wedding gift to my co-worker's daughter, whose wedding I am unable to attend?"

-- "How much money is appropriate to give to the daughter of your best friend from high school for her wedding?"

-- "What is the right monetary gift for two 30-something, already established professionals?"

-- "What is the appropriate cash gift for a mature wedding?"

-- "I am going to a wedding with my husband and three children, so there will be five people total. How much cash should I give? I think the plates are $80 apiece, but $400 is too much for us."

-- "How much money should you give the family at a wake?"

-- "My sisters and I traveled quite a distance to attend my oldest sister's funeral. My niece was appalled that our sympathy envelope did not contain any money. Although it has been a year, our niece is still fuming."

Please stop. Miss Manners cannot help you. Etiquette has no such thing as a chart that gives the cost depending on the relationship, the emotional bonds or the age. It considers both the hosts' and the guests' expenses irrelevant. Just go pick out something nice that you can afford. Or skip the whole panhandling event -- there are more worthy charities than people putting on expensive weddings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)