What is the social pay scale? How much will it cost you if someone you know gives birth, graduates, marries or dies?

Now that the ancient and charming custom of exchanging presents is deteriorating into simply paying people by the milestone, Miss Manners supposed that she would not have to become involved.

After all, the idea was to eliminate thoughtfulness. People anxious to be spared the thoughtful efforts of others to please them have long been selecting their own presents by means of the gift registry. Many now want to skip even that blatant bit of laundering to get their hands directly on the cash.

And many of their dear ones are only too happy not to have to give them another thought. Let's just pay the bill and be done with it, is their attitude.

The purpose of such dealings has always puzzled Miss Manners. Presuming reasonable reciprocity, what good does it do people in the same social or family circles to keep paying one another? Surely it has nothing to do with the custom of selecting and treasuring symbols of emotional ties.

However, if everyone is happy with the pay-as-they-go system, it is not for Miss Manners to interfere. Goodness knows it is entirely outside the realm of etiquette.

But it appears that not everyone is happy, and both sides of this commercial equation keep appealing to her. By far the most frequent etiquette question she receives -- dozens of them every week -- is, "What is the polite way to inform our guests that we want monetary gifts only?"

Some declare frankly that they expect their guests to help pay the wedding or honeymoon expenses, or their mortgage. Others explain that they already have everything they need, in which case Miss Manners would have thought they would be counting their blessings and thinking about helping the less fortunate.

The second most frequent question is from the targets of these demands, wanting to know how much they owe. Furthermore, they seem to believe that it depends on particular circumstances:

-- "What is the appropriate amount of money to give at a baby shower for someone I've met only twice?"

-- "What are the normal amounts of money to give to a niece graduating from high school with high honors, the neighbor's son who is graduating from law school, and my second cousin, whose family is having a dinner after the ceremony?"

-- "When going to a destination wedding that costs you money to fly, hotel, etc., what is a proper amount per couple or per person to give the bride and groom?"

--"How much money do I give as a wedding gift to my co-worker's daughter, whose wedding I am unable to attend?"

-- "How much money is appropriate to give to the daughter of your best friend from high school for her wedding?"

-- "What is the right monetary gift for two 30-something, already established professionals?"

-- "What is the appropriate cash gift for a mature wedding?"

-- "I am going to a wedding with my husband and three children, so there will be five people total. How much cash should I give? I think the plates are $80 apiece, but $400 is too much for us."

-- "How much money should you give the family at a wake?"

-- "My sisters and I traveled quite a distance to attend my oldest sister's funeral. My niece was appalled that our sympathy envelope did not contain any money. Although it has been a year, our niece is still fuming."

Please stop. Miss Manners cannot help you. Etiquette has no such thing as a chart that gives the cost depending on the relationship, the emotional bonds or the age. It considers both the hosts' and the guests' expenses irrelevant. Just go pick out something nice that you can afford. Or skip the whole panhandling event -- there are more worthy charities than people putting on expensive weddings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a father of three, with No. 4 on the way. This time, my wife and I decided to find out the sex of the baby before the birth (something we did not do with the others). I am proud to say that we are expecting a girl, and I would like to share the news with my buddies with the traditional cigar. Do I wait until the birth to pass them out? Or is it OK to pass them out now when I share our good fortune?

GENTLE READER: You have three children, and you haven't learned patience?

Yet there are other things Miss Manners hopes you never learn, such as that not all pregnancies go smoothly, and not everyone is as charmed by embryos as by babies. (Some people even find cigars offensive, but that's another matter.)

Your daughter is not ready yet for her debut. Please give her a chance to get ready to face the world, and, for heaven's sake, to put something on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, after four years of relative happiness, my male partner and I ended our relationship. It was not amicable, a particularly unpleasant experience that took me the remainder of the year to accept, cope with, and gradually begin to heal from.

Several months ago, I began to very slowly and casually date another gentleman. Things are going rather well, and he and I attended a friend's barbecue over the weekend.

My friend knew about my circumstances and was pleased and excited to see that I seemed to be moving on. However, we ran into a few problems from the "friends of friends." Many of these are people I've met and do like, but time and distance being what they are, I just don't see them more than once or twice a year at such events.

One person, excited upon seeing me, ran over to hug me, introduced herself to my male companion, and then exuberantly asked, "But where is Eric?" (my former partner).

I was able to reply with a lighthearted, "I'm not sure! Did he not come with you?" To my relief, she received the message immediately.

Others, however, didn't really get the hint. One guest asked three times during the introduction and when I was chatting with several others, saying, "Wait -- did you and Eric break up?" Another remarked to my companion, "Ohhh, so YOU are the new Eric," and with a playful hip bump added, "You are definitely more handsome."

I fully understood her playful intent, but felt awkward for my companion, who could only smile shyly and thank her for the compliment. Another guest, when we were greeting each other, remarked, "You've lost some weight and you are growing out a goatee -- it looks good!" until his girlfriend came in and mercifully rescued us.

How do you politely respond to queries from friendly acquaintances about your former lovers?

GENTLE READER: As these people seem to be in a teasing mood, Miss Manners suggests you tease back. You might do this by turning to the gentleman you brought and saying, "I'm sorry to embarrass you by exposing you to this. They're really very nice people who mean well, just a little primitive socially. But I'm fond of them anyway."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a beautiful baby boy by donor insemination. I am not married, and it was by choice.

Because a new baby is such a conversation starter (grocery store, library, day care, work), often-asked questions are, "Does his dad have such blue eyes?" "Is your husband tall?" and the like. Since many of the people who ask are not simply strangers -- like the day-care mom I am not friends with but will see regularly -- how do I answer this without telling my whole story or curtly correcting them?

I'm having a hard time finding a middle ground. I want to be friendly, and I don't want to lie. I have no issue telling people there is no dad -- but I don't want to stand there having a conversation with the inevitable questions (happens quite a bit) when I have to get on with my day!

GENTLE READER: As you say, these questions are conversation starters, not the Civil Service exam. Furthermore, these people are not burning with curiosity to know where your baby got his blue eyes. Any answer will do.

But not the one that actually addresses the question, because that would stimulate their curiosity, and you would be standing there forever, being peppered with nosy questions.

You want a conversation ender, and Miss Manners can think of several: "There are blue eyes in my family"; "Don't most babies have blue eyes for the first few months?"; "People say he looks like me."

And for the other question, something like, "At his one-month checkup, he was in the 78th percentile for height." When new parents start talking about percentiles, everyone else flees.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the last 11 years, I have had a friend, now almost 50, who seems to get engaged every year and a half or so.

Now she is talking about getting engaged to a man who is still married, and I honestly don't know what to say to her. He has been "separated" from his wife for many years and to date has not served his wife with divorce papers.

For the first couple of engagements, I was very happy for her, then less so, and now I've literally run out of things to say. In this situation I actually want to ask her, "Are you nuts!" but I know it's not polite, even though it might be more than appropriate, and I'm restraining myself.

Please, if you could help me come up with a polite, noncommittal answer when she throws things like this at me it would be greatly appreciated. My beliefs are such that I consider a man (or woman) not completely divorced as adulterous, especially when children are involved.

GENTLE READER: Please continue to restrain yourself, however strong the temptation. It wouldn't help, anyway. As you have noticed, the lady does not have a sharp learning curve.

But as she is a friend, you ought to be able to say, with some sincerity, "I hope you'll be happy." You only have to leave out the rest of your thought, which is, "... however stupidly and immorally you are trying to achieve it."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)