life

Airlines Turn Flying Into One Big Free for All

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 23rd, 2012

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was on a flight where my bag was too big to fit into the overhead bin, but fit under the seat on the aisle. I was sitting in the inside seat.

When my seat companion arrived, I asked if it was OK if I left it there, offering to see if I could slide it over to under my seat area. He said that it was fine, so I didn't attempt it.

When I was leaving the plane, I had a woman accost me, saying that she thought that was the rudest thing she had ever seen. I explained to her that I had asked if it was all right.

She responded, "He is only 19; what is he going to say?" Clearly, this was his mother.

I'm wondering your opinion of the situation and if you think I was truly rude.

GENTLE READER: What has Miss Manners wondering is whether people who used to design rough camping trips to build teamwork among students or employees now work for the airlines. It would make sense, as their specialty is leading people to miserable conditions under which sufferers must rely on one another.

A typical flight is filled with passengers pleading, "Could we please change seats so that I can sit with my child?" and, "Do you mind putting your chair back up a bit so my tray isn't pushing into my stomach?" and, "I'm sorry to wake you, but would you please step into the aisle so that I can get out and go to the bathroom?"

And then there is your request, as well as numerous others related to the storing of carry-on baggage.

Miss Manners would not have thought that sitting next to one's traveling companions, reclining, being able to lower one's tray, storing hand luggage, dozing and going to the bathroom were outrageous expectations. But since airplanes have been refitting the interiors to make these things difficult, and selling marginal improvements, the passengers are at one another's mercy.

Of course, we should try to accommodate reasonable requests. But it is also possible to decline politely. Your seatmate might have needed the legroom, or had something of his own to stow. Sometimes it is possible to suggest an alternative, as you did when offering to attempt sliding your bag to your side. Asked to change seats, someone could say, "This is a premium row. Whoever has your daughter's seat in the back would probably be delighted to be upgraded."

Or one can simply say, "I'm sorry, I can't help you. Perhaps there's someone who can."

You were not rude, but your critic was. Even if you had been, she was rude in chastising you. But if you were embarrassed, think of her poor son. She has just declared in public that at the age of 19, he is too much of a child to speak for himself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife has cancer and her health is quickly deteriorating. How do I respond when people kindly inquire on how she is doing?

GENTLE READER: "As well as can be expected, I suppose. I'll tell her you asked about her."

This doesn't really mean anything, Miss Manners acknowledges, as one would have to know her condition to know what could be expected. But it allows others to pursue the inquiry or not, depending on their level of interest.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Attention, Wedding Planners: Ostentation Is Not Elegance

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 20th, 2012

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have both a son and daughter planning weddings within the next 2 1/2 years. They and my future son- and daughter-in-law are worrying and wondering about how to settle on a list of guests that includes as many family members as possible, but doesn't make the cost impossible.

They aren't looking for anything extravagant, but neither side of the family has any money to speak of; income-wise we are probably considered lower middle class, so it's going to take a big effort on everyone's part to pull off two modest weddings.

My husband and I both have exceptionally large families -- I have five siblings and he has nine. Obviously that makes for a huge number of aunts and uncles and cousins. Some live in the immediate area, and we get together often, but even most of the out-of-towners stay connected and get together often for holidays, graduations and weddings.

There is a strong sense of tradition in our families, and many of the cousins have found ways to invite the entire extended family to weddings. There are a few cousins, including those who have grown up a long distance away, or were from earlier marriages, who have not remained as close, but are sometimes included in special occasions.

It has become a question of stress and concern, and we would love your guidance. Several possible solutions have been discussed, but none seem ideal. Obviously, we could lower the cost of the reception and invite every single cousin, but based on the budgets we're looking at, that would mean having hot dogs on paper plates. There is the idea of inviting only cousins who have been part of the smaller events and have been close over the years, but it's hard to figure out where to draw that line.

Another thought was to invite each aunt and uncle "and family," and trust that RSVPs will come in time to get a good head count, but that leaves open the possibility of more than we can handle.

Can you please tell us a way to include everyone we should, still allowing for an event a little more formal than a cookout? My kids and their spouses-to-be are caring, earnest people who each want to have a lovely, memorable reception without hurting anyone's feelings.

GENTLE READER: Your family's priorities are exactly the opposite of those held by most people who are planning weddings. It is now widely believed that one should first decide on the desired place, the food, the music and such, and then figure out from the cost how many people to invite.

Because you understand that is upside-down planning, and that the guests are more important than the expensive trappings, Miss Manners is especially delighted to inform you that your children may have weddings that are not only formal, but more charmingly so than the standard weddings of today.

A vast wedding industry has convinced people that a proper wedding consists of a multicourse dinner and dancing through the night, in addition to auxiliary events for days before and after. It is wildly expensive, and many have gone into serious debt to stage it.

But ostentation does not produce elegance. Traditionally, the weddings of those who could afford anything were held in the daytime, followed by a tea. As this needn't require more than tea sandwiches, cake and champagne or punch, you will be able to invite everyone.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Invitation Inquiry Will Not End Well

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 18th, 2012

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to ask the parent of the child who had an overnight party why your son/daughter was not invited?

GENTLE READER: What response do you hope to obtain?

A weak excuse, such as, "Oh, we asked only his very closest friends."

An honest excuse, such as, "The girls say she's kind of a drag."

Or just ruining whatever social life your child may hope to have?

Whether or not you would succeed in wrangling an invitation, you may be sure that the parent you call will talk it over with the child-host, who is not likely to resist letting the other guests know.

Do you really want to have to change schools and move to a different neighborhood to help your child live that down? Miss Manners believes it would be easier on you, as well as on your child, for you to treat it offhandedly, with the explanation that everyone can't be invited to everything.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A relative consistently refers to the fact that she is a "tenured professor of journalism" to justify commenting on spelling, grammar and usage on items posted on social media.

In other posts, this person has lectured on comments made by others with regard to the tribulations of university instruction, pointing out that she knows how to do it better, not only because she is tenured, but also because her university has, according to her, a higher rank. For what it is worth, the university she is employed by is a state university in a rather impoverished area. The state has a low rank for educational achievement.

Beyond the fact that it seems inappropriate, may I say rude, to correct others in a social setting, I would appreciate your comments on the propriety of claiming expert status as a result of having obtained job security. I recognize that having been granted tenure presumes that an individual has complied with standards established at an institution, and that one achieving it may be proud of having done so. However, it seems pretentious at a minimum to constantly refer to it.

GENTLE READER: You and the university have something in common: an inability to terminate the relationship with this annoying person. So Miss Manners suggests that you try not to let her behavior bother you.

But of course "expert status," however acquired, does not entitle anyone to go around being a nuisance. (Miss Manners is wildly insulted when people coyly say they had better watch themselves around her, as if she would ever commit such rudeness.) And compounding it by bragging about tenure only makes one feel sorry for the lady's employer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the acceptable social response when an immediate family member of the deceased approaches you at a funeral and says, "Thank you for coming"?

Do you leave it simple and say, "You're welcome," or something a little more heartfelt like, "This is where I want to be, supporting you and your family"?

GENTLE READER: But if you make that heartfelt statement, they will have to thank you all over again, and you'll be back with that awkward "You're welcome."

Supporting the bereaved is only part of the reason for attending a funeral. Paying respects to the person who died is the other part, and the family is thanking you for that. Miss Manners recommends that, having offered your condolences, you then reply with a statement of how highly you thought of that person.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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