DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way for a woman to respond to a man telling her that his wife won't have sex with him? It happens frequently, and I feel like I should listen to his problems like a friend, but at the same time I think he is trying to get me to take up her slack.

GENTLE READER: That would be Miss Manners' guess, prissy though she is. And few people appreciate how handy being prissy can be.

The prissy response would be, "I don't think she would appreciate your telling me this." But if you're not happy with that, try, "I suppose you're telling me this as a friend because you want me to talk to her about it and find out what the problem is."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a same-gender spouse. Several years ago, we had a commitment ceremony and pledged our lives to each other. It was attended by our extended families and friends. Both of my sisters took part in the ceremony, and their husbands and children were present to witness the event.

For our honeymoon, John and I flew out of state and had a legal marriage ceremony. Unfortunately, our marriage is not recognized by our home state, but I thought that our relationship, at least, was recognized by our families.

The daughter of one of my sisters will soon be getting married. This week I received a "save the date" card from my niece. The envelope was addressed to me only, and the enclosed RSVP card was in my name only. There was not even an indication that I was allowed to bring a guest!

John and I are both hurt by the omission, and I have no intention of attending a family wedding from which he seems to have been rather pointedly excluded. I would like to make my position clear, but wish to avoid rudeness and unnecessary family drama. In order to accomplish these goals, I would like to send a letter to my niece, and I hope to receive your guidance.

The letter I have in mind would be something like: "Dear ---, I recently received your save-the-date card. Although John's name was overlooked, we are both delighted with the news of your upcoming wedding. Regrettably, it appears as though we will be unable to attend; however, we wish you as much joy in your ceremony as we had, and as much happiness as we continue to have."

What are your thoughts? Are John and I overreacting? Would such a letter be appropriate?

GENTLE READER: How can a letter not be appropriate when it wishes the recipient happiness, gives her a prompt answer (although a save-the-date notice doesn't really require one), and, in saying that your husband was "overlooked," provides your niece with a grateful out?

Miss Manners will even write the proper response for her: "My dear Uncle, I am mortified that John's name was omitted -- please ask him to accept my humble apologies. I can only imagine that in my silly bridal confusion, I must have used the family directory from before we knew him. Of course I want my uncle-by-marriage at the wedding. I will continue to hope that when the time comes, you and he will have been able to alter your plans in order to attend.

"Meanwhile, I send you both my love."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past year, two male friends whom I have known for many years proposed marriage to me. I turned them both down due to the fact that both asked me in a text message.

Miss Manners, when did asking for a woman's hand in marriage become so impersonal? I frankly felt offended that neither was willing to ask me in person on one knee.

One of the previously mentioned men I would love to marry. He is a great guy who has been there for me through thick and thin for seven years going on eight, and we work very well together. I'm 27 years old and still think that if a man is going to ask for a woman's hand in marriage, he should at least talk to her father about it and get permission to ask. Am I being too old-fashioned in this thought?

GENTLE READER: Or perhaps not old-fashioned enough. The showy, on-one-knee proposal is a modern standard, derived from cartoon ideas of Victorian proposals. Old-fashioned gentlemen were not absolutely required to propose from the floor.

Nor did they text. Miss Manners agrees that texting, which is a lightweight way of conveying instant thoughts, is unsuitable. That you have captivated two gentlemen who thought this would charm you is alarming.

Nevertheless, one of them is someone you want to marry. Seven years through thick and thin, and that's it?

Would you accept a compromise between the overly casual and the overly contrived? That would be the dignified statement that he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, followed by the simple (but, from the right person, thrilling) question of whether you will marry him. To prompt that, you could text (because this would not be a formal communication), "If you have an important question to ask me, I would be glad to listen."

As for first asking a father's permission, that comes to us from a time when the father had the option of refusing. His daughter would wear him down eventually, of course, but permission was seriously required. And the answer often came only after a thorough financial grilling of the suitor, because he would be expected to assume the sole financial support of his wife that her father had been supplying.

Miss Manners is guessing that this does not describe your situation. The form of asking permission, like that of a father giving away the bride, can be retained as a charming anachronism, but only after the lady both consents and warns her father. You wouldn't want him to ask to see the young man's portfolio, and you certainly wouldn't want him to say, "But I thought she was seeing Zachary."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct sequence of courses in a meal?

GENTLE READER: (1) oysters, (2) soup, (3) fish, (4) roast meat, (5) vegetables, (6) game, (7) salad, (8) creamed or frozen sweet dessert, (9) cheese, (10) fruit, (11) chocolates or wafers served with coffee.

This is Miss Manners' abbreviated list from what used to be considered a proper dinner. You are welcome to pare it down even more, if you don't mind your guests' foraging in your refrigerator afterward, but please keep the correct order.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had a small cocktail party, and although we are clean-freaks who run a spotless household, it is sometimes impossible to avoid the large bugs that live in North Texas. As the guests were sitting around my living room, a very large cockroach crawled across the wall. Everyone noticed, and they were visibly grossed out, though they tried to be polite.

I was absolutely mortified. I very quickly grabbed it with a tissue, moved the food away from that area, and offered everyone another drink. But at that point, I felt like everyone's skin was crawling. Mine certainly was.

What is the correct response to a situation like this? Is there anything that can be said or done to lighten the mood and make everyone comfortable?

GENTLE READER: How about: "Oh, dear, I meant to keep the pets locked up while you were here. Alfred knows he is not supposed to be in the living room, but he has a weird sense of humor."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I built a guest cottage across the deck from my house. It has a private bathroom, but guests currently share the main house kitchen. (At some point I hope to be able to afford putting a kitchenette in the cabin.)

Some of my visitors are there especially to see me, and others because it is a nice independent place to stay in a popular destination, which is fine with me, as those I would have there would be people I like even if I'm not going to see much of them.

I am not a morning person and am accustomed to living alone. I don't mind having a guest around while we are having our morning tea or coffee, but on my days off, I really appreciate quiet time to read the paper, meditate, do tai chi or whatever for a couple of hours before having to engage in conversation.

Is there a polite way to discourage much interaction (or to put a more positive spin, encourage quiet companionship) in the morning beyond a pleasant greeting? If I could figure this out, I would be happier to have my guests stay an extended period, more than the couple of days when I feel I really need my space if I haven't been able follow my usual comfortable routines.

Second question, but less pressing: Is there a way to gently hint to people to clean up after themselves?

GENTLE READER: You are being far too gentle for a good host. Good guests want to fall into the household routine -- if only they can guess what it is.

Someone who is chatting you up while you are trying to read the paper may have preferred to sleep late, but feels obliged to be sociable. Some may have agonized over whether cleaning up before leaving means remaking the bed so that it looks neat (but has used sheets) or just piling up the laundry.

Miss Manners urges you to orient them as part of your welcome. "Sleep as late as you like," you could say. "I'm up early, but not really sociable until late morning. However, there will be coffee and tea in the kitchen whenever you want it." You can't direct guests to clean up, but on the last day of their visit, you can put a set of clean sheets in the guest room and hope.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)